It's been awhile. In fact it just took my hands a bit to find the keys. Kind of a lie, but you get the gist of it. School is finally working out and everything seems to be moving right along. It seems like the money and everything inbetween will all be okay. I just want all of it to be okay too. I mean there's nothing more I want than to be really happy in life with finicial (spelling) stablility. Speaking of stablity and spelling, both of which I'm working on more and more everyday. But, for really. It seems that I'm working on all of it. Along with a boy that I once knew. I thought once upon a time that I would be really happy. That this is what I wanted in life. I wanted him. I wanted to share things with him. I wanted him to be there. But, it was shortlived...twice. I think because we were both exploring our lives. Totally different pathes. Something totally not worthwhile, but when we weren't focusing on that. Totally amazement. I was happy. Really happy. It wasn't like a friend, or a boyfriend. It wasn't like I needed him there, but damn it felt good. He was amazing. And sitting here thinking about it right now, freaks me out, because I'm not sure if this is what I'm supposed to be looking forward too. Or what? I don't know if I should just completely shut myself off to others and just focus on the thought that maybe one day, we'll be together. That we'll be together...and it will be nice, because I can sit here and honestly say, if he said, "let's give it a go." I would work around everything to make us happy. To make sure that I was putting into the relationship as much as possible. But, I also know that isn't going to work that way, just because we discussed things...and we're not ready for something like that. Maybe, when I'm getting older, but I want him in my life. It's been a year. It's just amazing that I still hold hold a place for him in my heart. Caring about him, worrying about him, but all the while, wondering if this is all worthwhile. I wonder if this is something that I want. If this is something that I don't need. If this is all worth it, like I said. I don't know if I want to have him in my life, if all that is going to happen is I'm going to fall apart. Because I don't want us to fall apart. I want to be with him. I really do. He's amazing. We were only together for a short period of time, but it seemed like the most wonderful time ever. It was really harsh what happened, and I wish it didn't. I wish I would have tried a bit harder to make everything with us work out in the end. That spring killed us. It killed me, well actually it didn't kill me, and yes, it did make me stronger. A hell of a lot stronger. It made me think about myself. Because of the fact that we broke up not only because it was awkward, but because of the fact that his friends this and his friends that...that was bullshit. I wish I could have just been someone that everyone would have liked, and then slowly exposed myself, after the fact that he and I could have been a rock solid relationship. It takes a lot. And it kills me. I think about all the mistakes I've made, and what not, but I guess everything is fine. I just have to think and grow up. I still have a lot of time for the both of them.