Now as I go back and reflect on everything that happened in the last 24 hours, I realize that it's there fault...no one elses and that you shouldn't feel bad for them...at all..even if you do.

I seriously don't know what to think about it. I get scared, because I know that your dad and step dad are acholoics, and it scares me, because I know what you do. And you shouldn't be. I've seen you more drunk than you've ever been before these last few weeks and it scares me, because I don't want you to be like them. It bothers me, it hurts to see you like. Because I know you would never do anything, but that look in your eyes reminded me of the pain he onced caused me back in the day. That look of bloodshot eyes and just the look of total and complete something...I can never find out what that look is or anything that went with it, but Evan doesn't do drugs, he's just drunk all the time, because he always has those eyes. Those killer eyes that make me have nightmares, you aren't supposed to have those eyes, you're not supposed to bring back those memories, I should have just left your ass somewhere, I should have just went...blah. Or something...I just shouldn't have dealt with it. I know it's my fault I stayed...and I know I could have left...but I couldn't, because I care to much...I didn't care if I got caught as long as you were going to be fine...that's all that really mattered...I would have said something about the flu or something and that I was bound to get it because of the fact that well...you know I'm always with them...I dunno...but I don't know. I feel hated right now. I just feel like I ruined your night, I just said something wrong to you. I know that I did. I don't care though, aren't you lucky that you don't have to deal with the fact that you never had anyone in your family. That's the niciest thing in the world. You're lucky. I've never seen it before and I don't like it...and you've been here for what...a semester...I saw shit like this for my entire life, it's like no matter what everything that has something to deal with my past comes up in some way, be it exboyfriends, acochol and how I know better than to use it, even though on rare occasions I do...I don't really care. It's horrible. I dunno what I'm trying to say. I shouldn't have been a good friend. I should have just left. I should have, but I didn't. Fucker. I hate you, well I hate myself for liking you. Seriously. I don't know why...I just do.
You are someone in yourself. But, I don't know. I hate people with perfect families that never have anything wrong. Seriously. Where the fuck did you get off getting something better than everyone else. Not having any problems. I don't know it just bothers me. I don't know why...it just does...I wish that I didn't have to deal with you, sometimes. I hate people that have families, even the people with broken families or a single parent. I have a Grandmother thinking that her house is just a hotel room and unpremenant address...and my Grandfather is just someone that carts me around and tells me how fucked I am for not doing this, or why don't I get out there and do something, at least your working! And my mother...well she is dependent apon her Evan...and my Dad, I don't think he knows what has happened to me in the last few months...I wonder if he even knows if I'm in college...hmph...maybe I'll just send a bill to reawaken him of his oldest daughter. It's really nice having your reality slammed down by someone that loves you so much, I know you're completely aware of it...but it's something.

You make me feel whole again, you make me laugh and you make me cry, you make me think, and you do everything that I wish that I did, becaue of everything. I wish I didn't feel this way about you, but I swear I wish I could just know how good you are at kissing and how great is to be held by you, even if it doesn't mean anything. To fall for you is to want you. Which probably isn't in the best interest for me, but do I really care? No. Do you know that I want you, of course you do, because I see it in your eyes when you look at me, or at least when I'm thinking about you...you know it and I don't mind. I want to be with you for some reason and I know that I shouldn't want to be...because you do nothing but cause pain for others. And because of the fact that you don't care about me like that makes everything okay, because I know that I have nothing to worry about, because I know taht I can't get hurt by you. Which is the best thing in the world. I don't know why I like you so much. I just want to tell you, but why should I when I know you don't feel the same and right now you're really awesome and I love the relationship we have. It's great...so much better than what I have with my other guy friend for the moment. I dunno..anways. I just thought that someone ought to know that I totally love him! He's awesome...anways. I don't know...it's just like: meh. I dunno...

I want him. Damnit. Anyways, you have no idea how horrible you looked when you told me that you're friends decided that I was a "a bit too much" for you. That makes me laugh. beacuse I dunno...BECAUSE I'M NOT!! You can't complain in bed, and you don't complain when you're with me in general. Hell, you don't complain at all, and it's horrible. You just make me think about everything and why I did the things I did, I can't believe that I did. Why did I? Seriously?? That's the most horrible thing in the world for me to think about. I did stuff with you...I can't believe that. On top of all of this your friends met me a total!! of three times! How's that for judgement?? Seriously. They say that the first impression does everything for you...and I was quiet and told you I liked your shoes...that's my best first impression ever. Seriously, because everyone else gets the loud, annoying holliejo that's on crack!! So, how the fuck couldn't you love me!?!?! I'm confused...that's the most stupid thing in the world. You're supposed to love me, seriously. I'm confused, and pissed off at the world. I dunno...I give up. You're such a fucking dick lick.

What to do what to do. I want to be friends, seriously...that's the biggest bunch of shit I've ever heard in my life.

I don't know what to say to you when you guys do shit like this to me, it's like: hmm, let's exclude holliejo and allison, because well...I guess we're the losers of the group...thanks hon!

I have decided that you could be a really really good friend, when you want to be, just kidding you could be a really really really really good friend all the time!! You rock. I couldn't believe that you made me go to lunch with you today, that was great. Anyways, so yeah...I'm glad that he is there to talk to, because of the fact that without him I'm not sure I could make it, I know that he understands me a lot more than most, even if he doesn't feel like it. He's really really awesome. I mean that. I don't know...anyways, he helped me with my bestest friend Courtney. He knows what it's like and I appericate him being there, because of the fact that he's been through all of that, and he knows what it's like. So, now I know what I'm going to tell her and be like, because that's going to be for the best. She's a really awesome person, and for something like this to be thrown into to the mix, I completely understand why she would feel the way she feels, I love her to death and she's been there when times are rough for me and all of that, so now I can only return the favor. Only, I'm not going to be there when she's crying and all I can do is offer words of support over the phone, that's going to be really hard, because of the fact that she isn't going to listen in most cases, because she's just that way...you have no idea how hard this is, when push comes to shove I'll just tell her to call Ashley and talk it all over with Ashley, she's been there and done that, more so than me, but we've all been through something in our lives that has changed us dramtically. And if you don't understand why I can't leave the room and go into the study or the lounge, because this convo over this phone could change the world...she is just going to have to get over it, because she hasn't been through anything like this, or at least I don't think she has, is she hiding something so great and grand, I doubt it, because of the fact that they would all have to hide it from me and that's impossible, because they all have big mouths, it's in our nature to be like that...I don't know why, but it is. We all have to have smoething to talk about...always. You don't understand why certain people cry themselves to sleep or just like to nap for hours at a time, just to escape the fear of what is going on in the real world, it's scary that you don't have any fears about your parents or anything like that. It's strange...I don't know how to explain it. You have a picture perfect family...or at least you would. You're lucky and all of that...and you don't understand...I can only imagine all the things that you tell your friends and your family about me...about how you got the crazy roommate that likes to be depressive and a bitch all the time...about how you bet she cuts herself when no one is assuming it...about how everything in my life is always haunting me and that makes me someone that is really dependent on other people, you tell everyone how much you hate me. And that's fine, because in reality, I'm slightly jealous of you and your perfect family...and you're pity little problems, but in reality even though I'm jealous just that little bit, it makes me hate you, because you don't have anything to worry about ever. You're such a skank and I hate you.
Stupid girl and stupid things...I hate you...don't take the fact that bunker is kicking your ass at video games out on me, I wasn't...I was being serious...you wake me up all the damn time. with your little clicking and all that....you're going to hate me when the time comes and I really don't give a flying fuck. I don't. You're a bitch and I hate you.