Things To Talk About....
1) Nic And Nathan (yum)
2) Greggers
-how I should understand
-how he doesn't understand
3) Beth...
-with the things that she did to me
-the Kyle picture
4) Bunker And Becky
-how it ends up that he always treats me like shit when we're together
-how they are always together, and they treat everyone else like shit
5) Holy Shit, Where's My Break!?!
6) Courtney...
-How I haven't talked to her in forever!

1) Aww, I saw Nic's brother today, and I just sat there in love with his brother because I figured that's as close as I'm going to get to him, and that kind of sucks, but I guess that's okay...for really. Anyways, yeah...so I totally like Nic, still and I think that as long as I can remember him, and as soon as I see him, and as soon as the memories of him smelling great all come flooding back, I'm going to remember how great of a person he is and that's going to suck for me, becasue I don't want to still like him, but I know I always will..doesn't that kind of suck, because well you know, you totally want to be with this persona nd you know you can't and that totally sucks and everythign. I mean that. I wish someone knew what I felt like, he was my best friend that I fell for and I left and now I can't have him, and it hurts in some ways. I mean that. I don't know what to do about everything with it. It's soo crazy and everything. I don't know...
2) Greggers! (I'm doing this in outline form that way I can get everything! I need out!!)
-For some reason I feel inclined to know how Greg feels. Like I should know why he's like that and everything, but I don't. And everything, just because we are more like the same person doesn't mean anything. I mean that. I don't know anything about the boy, I love him to death, and I would give anything for him to give me a chance to understand and make sense, because it just really sucks. I know the techniques he uses to protect himself and everything, because I did the same thing. To shield yourself from everyone else, and make it so they can't understand you, is completely normal, because if you don't let anyone see what you're really feeling, then later they can't use that against you, and then they can't see how frail you really are. At least that's what I get from it, and if that's wrong, so be it. At least I tried really hard for everything to make sense and everything. I mean that. Other than that, I wish that he just let me understand. I really do. I mean that, I wish he had enough trust in me to be able to tell the things I may need to know that way I can totally help him. I know that he may not want help from me, but I just wish he also knew that I would totally up to helping him in any way that I could...even if that's just listening and being there for him. I don't think he understands how much it hurts every time I see him like that. I just wish there was a day when I could be like...Greggers I love you when you're all perky...because you are one of the most amazing people I know and everything, and stuff, but no...I'm scared that he'll take it the wrong way and I know that he would. He'd be like...you're just like the rest of them and you don't understand why I'm like this and blah blah blah...but also he doesn't understand that he never gave me the chance to do it. He's never going to either and it sucks. I just want him to understand me and be able to trust me, but I don't think that's going to happen and it hurts me. But he doesn't understand anyone else's pain but his own, and that makes him blind.
3) Beth
-I'm totally in love with her, like she's my best friend and everything and what not, and well, it's kidn of hard for me to say this and everything, but even though with all of my friends, they know that I'm easy to push around. And Beth bluntly said to me that she's anti telling people what to do, but

Things To Talk About....
1) Nic And Nathan (yum)
2) Greggers
-how I should understand
-how he doesn't understand
3) Beth...
-with the things that she did to me
-the Kyle picture
4) Bunker And Becky
-how it ends up that he always treats me like shit when we're together
-how they are always together, and they treat everyone else like shit
5) Holy Shit, Where's My Break!?!
6) Courtney...
-How I haven't talked to her in forever!

1) Aww, I saw Nic's brother today, and I just sat there in love with his brother because I figured that's as close as I'm going to get to him, and that kind of sucks, but I guess that's okay...for really. Anyways, yeah...so I totally like Nic, still and I think that as long as I can remember him, and as soon as I see him, and as soon as the memories of him smelling great all come flooding back, I'm going to remember how great of a person he is and that's going to suck for me, becasue I don't want to still like him, but I know I always will..doesn't that kind of suck, because well you know, you totally want to be with this persona nd you know you can't and that totally sucks and everythign. I mean that. I wish someone knew what I felt like, he was my best friend that I fell for and I left and now I can't have him, and it hurts in some ways. I mean that. I don't know what to do about everything with it. It's soo crazy and everything. I don't know...
2) Greggers! (I'm doing this in outline form that way I can get everything! I need out!!)
-For some reason I feel inclined to know how Greg feels. Like I should know why he's like that and everything, but I don't. And everything, just because we are more like the same person doesn't mean anything. I mean that. I don't know anything about the boy, I love him to death, and I would give anything for him to give me a chance to understand and make sense, because it just really sucks. I know the techniques he uses to protect himself and everything, because I did the same thing. To shield yourself from everyone else, and make it so they can't understand you, is completely normal, because if you don't let anyone see what you're really feeling, then later they can't use that against you, and then they can't see how frail you really are. At least that's what I get from it, and if that's wrong, so be it. At least I tried really hard for everything to make sense and everything. I mean that. Other than that, I wish that he just let me understand. I really do. I mean that, I wish he had enough trust in me to be able to tell the things I may need to know that way I can totally help him. I know that he may not want help from me, but I just wish he also knew that I would totally up to helping him in any way that I could...even if that's just listening and being there for him. I don't think he understands how much it hurts every time I see him like that. I just wish there was a day when I could be like...Greggers I love you when you're all perky...because you are one of the most amazing people I know and everything, and stuff, but no...I'm scared that he'll take it the wrong way and I know that he would. He'd be like...you're just like the rest of them and you don't understand why I'm like this and blah blah blah...but also he doesn't understand that he never gave me the chance to do it. He's never going to either and it sucks. I just want him to understand me and be able to trust me, but I don't think that's going to happen and it hurts me. But he doesn't understand anyone else's pain but his own, and that makes him blind.
3) Beth
-I'm totally in love with her, like she's my best friend and everything and what not, and well, it's kidn of hard for me to say this and everything, but even though with all of my friends, they know that I'm easy to push around. And Beth bluntly said to me that she's anti telling people what to do, but

Eveything you said you stood for meant nothing...I no longer care if I can't drink tonight...I no longer care if you said this or you said that. It's now done to what I am...what I do...who you are. You said that You're Against Telling People What To Do...And You SLAMMED THE DOOR! You yelled at me. What the fuck.

hmm...to do homework? UMM! Hells no! I have so much to do though, but I don't have class tomorrow, so I'm good...I can totally do homework tomorrow and what not...that'd be cool. :) I have to work too, and then everything is just like wow and piling up and it's getting really scary...but I'm sure that'll I'll be fine and what not...it's hott in my room. hmm...let's see what I can talk about! I should talk about you! Yes You! I love you! And Hate you! And Want To be just like you! And I just want to be with you! And I wish I wish...you know what...I bet you're one of the best kissers EVER! I want to kiss you! I have no idea where all of this is coming from...

Why does everything that I don't want to happen to me, happen to me? Like everything. Seriously? And on top of that, why can't people tell me things that happen? Like, why can't my mom call me, or write me, it doesn't hurt as much to write to me about things that happen. I mean that. Twice now, since I've been away at college, horrible things have happened in my family. They've put to sleep two of my animals without me knowing about it, until after it was over and done with. The nice thing would have been to call and tell me. That would have been nice, but nope they didn't. And, even if I can't go back to where I want to be, there's still that love and attachment to the animals that I could call mine at one point in time. I wish that I could say that I miss them as much as I do, but I don't. I mean, I would do anything to have my animals with me, but I can't...and therefore I don't miss them. But, when I find out that they are put to sleep, it hurts. Especially when it is Patches...he was awesome. Seriously. I didn't think that I would already be talking about him in the past tense. It isn't fair. I hate seeing life cut off short...it isn't fair, even if it is just an animal. I mean that. I loved him more than anything, he was a really stupid cat, but I loved him a lot, and I'm gonna miss him even more. Ginger...she rocked...she was the only dog that I had when I grew up. There was another one, but she really didn't live that long, but it still hurt. Ginger though, she was always there, and I still talk about her like she isn't gone. And everytime I go home...it's always like there's a chance that I'm going to go to my home, not to my Grandma's. And everytime I'm going home, it's like I'm going to go to my mom's and when I get out of the car, there's going to be my dog, and she's going to be wagging all over and what not, and she's going to sniff me and run up to the front porch, but that's never going to happen, and for many reasons, and all the reasons hurt. I think about how much my family has to hurt, because they are there and in the house everyday. Maybe, my mom is just trying to protect me from everything, and maybe they just want me not there, but I would really like to know, I don't want to be able to just sit around and act like nothing has happened. I have some kind of attachment to the animals too, and everyone has to know that...it's just goes without saying. So, when you hear my Grandma choking up, and she's telling you all of this, and you're just trying to hang up the phone without her getting hurt, it's a lot harder than you think, but you get all these fucking memories in your head about everything you loved about that animal, and everything that you hated, and all the times you cuddled and loved and fed, and took care of and played with that animal, and you realize that even if you do have the chance to make everything right, that you might get the chance to live with your mom again, everything is going to be changed, because two of the things that made your home worth living in are gone, and nothing in a million and one years are going to bring it back, no matter how hard you try. And even though I know that I'm never going to get to be with my parent's again...and I know that I'm never going to get to go back home and be with those animals, my attachment is still there and it hurts so much, and I don't know what to say or do about anything, but cry and think about everything and then just move on and forget, because that's all I can do, because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and I didn't get the chance to say I'm sorry. And they never give me the chance to make anything right and I'm not okay with that, and I'm not okay with anything. And it hurts, because I hate when things have to leave, no matter what. I hate it a lot. And I get scared of it, and then to hear that you have to face it, even indirectly is really hard, even if I haven't seen my cat for almost a year, it hurts so much and I know that my mom has to be in more pain than me. All I know is that this better not continue and I wish that I knew everything that was going on with everything, and they wouldn't just leave me out in the outskirts with everything. I mean that. It's not fair. Don't you think that it would be nice that I knew at least something about something that is going on? I mean that...I hate this...and it's not fair. I Love You Patches...Ginger...Red...It's Not Fair, But Hopefully In Heaven You'll Remember Me...Because I'll Never Forget You