This what I feel like, right now. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to tell you anything. I don't want to hear it. I don't want you to tell me anything that I want to hear. I just want everything to go away. I just want you to leave. I want you out of my life faster than you could ever know. I don't want all of this, because then I get all sad and depressed I don't want to do anything. I just want to cry. I just want to give it all away. I just want you gone. I really do. Don't. Do. This. You Fucked Up My Life. I'm sick of always hearing sappy love songs on the radio. =) I just don't want to do this. I want it all to go away. Why did you do this to me? I'm really confused about everything. Not, so much anymore. I don't really care if Courtney hates you. Tonight she was nutreal. (spelling) she didn't do anything she wasn't supposed to. For once, she looked at it from the point of view from the both of us. So, you can go to hell for being mean to my friend. I don't care that she hates you. She's most likely has reason. What the fuck did you do to her? I'm really pissed at you all of a sudden. Thoughts pass through my head so fast and what not, that I get really overwhelmed quite quickly and it doesn't stop. The typing on my hands won't stop. and you can't make them stop. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for everything. I shouldn't have told you all that I did. I should of just left it alone. You should have told me that you cared about me, but you don't really care about me as much as you think you do. I mean look at you. You had one of those typical High School Relationships, where everything you do makes you laugh and giggle and do you do it, because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. You don't think about the people around you, what the fuck is up with that? I just wish I knew, because I don't. I wish I could understand why you think everything is okay, becasue it's not. It's not okay. Nothing is going to be okay with us. You have to understand that. I just want you to go away, because this isn't what I want. I want nothing to do with you. I just don't understand. Why did you do this to me? Why did you make me fall for you, only to realize there is a lot more under you than your stupid intelligence. There's a lot of really smart people, but there's a lot more people that can fake their smarts. And I happen to be one of them, but you just happen to be plain ol' stupid. I just don't understand why you did the things you thought you had to do. I just don't understand any of it. Why are you the way you are? I don't know, I'll prolly never know. And you know what, it's probably a hell of a lot better that way too. I don't know what to do with you. I just want to jump off a cliff and cry myself to sleep, because I realize that I fucked up really bad. I was the one that made the mistake of actually caring about you. What the hell is that shit? Why did I think that I needed all of this? Because, for once, I'm almost capable of taking care of myself and I don't need you to be a person that needs to take care of me. I don't need this. I have friends and family that are there for that reason. And I don't need a boy thinking that I need him. Because, I don't need you, and you may need me. But, I don't want to be the person that you need, just so you can stay in line. You'll be more than fine without me. Because, you'll get to lead your life how you want to, not how you think I'd want it. I've had enough of boys like you. I need a real boy, I need a man to take care of me now. You're just so stupid and you don't really realize that. I can lie through my teeth to you, and you don't realize it. How horrible is that? Pretty bad, but you could be doing the same thing to me. Only I won't be so hurt by it.

So, tired lost and confused. I know I'm not being used or anything, but I'm so scared. I don't want to be a person that is using him. I mean, I tell him everything is okay, I love you, and everything in between. It sucks though, because what gets me the most is the fact that I could love him. I mean, okay, I lie. I do love him. a lot. I mean that. But, I mean in the wierdest sense it doesn't make much to me. I mean I sit there and tell him everything he wants to hear, because I know what they want to hear. How horrible is that? How horrible is it that I'm really scared. That this relationship which began as a stupid innocent let's try things out, to hey, I really like you,, but I'm a really good friend. To what it is now, which is I know we're not together, but we really are. It's just not official. I don't want you with other guys. And I know you get jealous everytime I mention someone's name. What's up with that? Why do I have to be so scared about everything? Why do I have to be doomed with the horrible idea of the fact that I could possibly be scared to be with this person. I just wish I knew what I was thinking or what I wanted out of all of this. Because, in the truth. It would be great. But, we all know that Hollie doesn't do well with all of this. I get so freaked out with what it could be, and what it is. I just don't want it. I know I don't want it. I know I don't. I really, really don't. I don't know why I want all of this. I just don't understand any of this. Because I'm so freaked out!! What did I do to put me in this place? Why do I feel this way? Why do I want this and then again, it's one of the last things that I want for myself. I just want to give it all away and stop everything that has happened. I want it all to go away. I want a different Prince Charming. I don't want this one. I don't care. Beggers can't be choosers. But, I'm not begging. I'm pleading. Don't let me hurt this guy. But, I know no matter what. I will. I'm doomed. I just don't want all of this to happen. I know he loves me. I know he does. I don't want him to. I don't want to hear it come out of his mouth. I don't want to know all of this. I don't want to know what he thinks about me and why I'm so great. I just want everything to go away. I just want everything to leave. I don't want this anymore. I just want to be myself. I don't want to be tied down to anyone at the moment. Especially someone that is as far away as he is. He's so far beyond reach it's almost impossible for things to work out. He's like, when and if. And I don't count on when and if's I count what is going to happen in the now. I've given up. I'm stopping all of this, but I know I can't, because I'm hollie. and that's just the way I am. I don't think about others, just the feelings that I'm getting from everything now. I know that's a horrible way to look at things and that makes me 100 times worse of a person than I already am. I don't understand though, what I'm doing wrong with everything. I just don't get it. Nothing in this makes any sense, but I'm pretending it does. But, I know it doesn't. I have so much shit to think about, and I hate it. I honestly don't think I could handle him right now. Everything that he's going through is on a completely different level than what I'm going through. He doesn' understand it. Everything that I hear from him is everything that I've done. I don't want to go through that again. I want everything to be okay. I want to be able to think about everything and know that everything that I'm going through is completely new to me and him. I don't want to know everything that is going through when he is doing it. I already know what high school is like. I already know everything about that. I have the battle wounds from the social life, to the dipolma and the acceptance letter to platteville to show that I've been through and did a good enough job to make something out of my life after it was all finished. I have a different goal in life. I want kids, I want to live in a big city. I want the business dad, with a stay at home nanny. I want my kids to be bilingual. I want them to go to a private daycare where they learn a lot more than I ever did. And I can't get that out of someone that is just planning to scrape by. I didn't work this hard to get through everything that i went through to be pulled back into something that I don't want. I think he realizes this and wants to change it like no other. But, it's so hard. I don't want any of this. I just want him to let go, because I know I can't. Do you realize how hard it is for me to find some kind of attention from someone? I let them all go, because I know better than that. I don't go crawling back to someone that I know I shouldn't be with. Although, I do it all the time. Do you realize that everything that I do...it's just plain fucked up. I'm not sure where all of this is coming from. But, I know it's time for me to get off the computer soon and do something about all of my grades, because I just want to do well. I just want to be someone that is something more than a small school and a big mouth. It's horrible. I want to be known by so many more people than be judged by the few that I know. It's just something I'm not ready to deal with right now. and it makes me sad. I just want to give it all away. I just want to be happy. I just want to let go.