Well, it's that time again. It's the boring weekends for me in platteville where I do nothing, and have a blast doing it. It's the time where I get to think about everything all my fuck ups and then some. It's my time to be all sad and shit. It's quite nice though, because that's the way it is.

Girls are so mean to each other. I feel so insecure here. So unpretty. So everything that a girl doesn't deserve to feel like. It's really not that fair. I just want things to change. I want to feel something again. I want to feel loved and social. I basically need to let go of the things that are killing me, the things that are something that I shouldn't feel.

I want to be able to write again. I want to be able to write what I feel and what not. I want to be able to think about the things that are bothering me and the things that I deserve to write about. So, I'm going to try.

I think I want to hate you. I don't want to have to think about you. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. I don't want to have to be so caught up with all the things that you do. I want to have to deal with it anymore. I just want to give up and start all over again. I want to give it all away. I want to just pretend this never happened. And, sadly, you do too. Maybe, we're finally finished. I've never had a relationship so fucked up, so wonderful, and so long as this. I've never felt this way before with anyone. I've never wanted to be in pain so badly, just to have the good that comes from all of this pain. Our relationship consisted of pissing each other off, letting each other go, and coming back to one another afterwards. It's quite sad how everything went. I want things to go away. I don't want to have this feeling. Right now, I hope, I pray, that we're going through the phase of having to let each other go. I want this next time to be real though. I want to feel something. I want to have something real. I don't want to be another secret you have to hide from the world. I don't want to have to know that there's someone else sharing your bed when I'm not there. I want everything about you to be my own. I want you to be here with me, through all of the good and all of the bad. I don't understand why I like you so much, but I know that everything about you is something good, even the bad. I can deal with your aburpt strangeness, I can deal with the fact that you are so picky, so strange, and so everything. I'm not sure why you're that way, but I'm sure it has to deal with something. The bad part, is after all of this, I feel like I don't know you very well. I feel that I'm not sure that you're the one I could come to and share a bunch of stories with. But, at the same time, there's not much to talk about. You're over there and I'm over here. We don't share many interest together, and we're completely different people. I don't know whether or not we'd ever make something. Maybe, I should just accept that fact and get over the other fact that we'll never be anything more than friends, because of the fact that we're too different, to scared, and most of all overwhelmed by our relationship. I don't know why we end up like this everytime we get together, everytime we hang out or everytime I want something. All I know is that the last time, you wanted it as much as I did. If not, more than I did. I'm not sure why that is, or why we find comfort in the fact that this won't last long. We fall apart faster than we can get together. We have fall outs like no other, we hurt each other more than get along and make something. I'm not sure what is going on. Sometimes I wonder though, sometimes I get ponderous as to our relationship. I wonder if there's a reason for all of this falling out. I wonder if what we do is to bother each other, or maybe we do want to be together, or maybe, which this theory is most believeable that you need someone as much as I do. Someone always there, whether on most days it's your girlfriend, or during the week it's me. I wonder why we go through all of this. Why we need to be in this constant roller coaster ride. Why can't we end up where we should be? I'm not sure though, maybe we're just better off not doing any of this. Maybe this is where we're supposed to be. Apart from each other. Not together, apart always and forever. But, then again, the hopeful optimistic self, does not wish upon all of this. She wants something that lasts and lasts, but sadly I'm sure you have a different plan from all of this. You don't want to think about all of this. I'm not sure why we go through all of this.I'm not sure why we do this or why we need to do this. I don't want to do this anymore. And, sadly, it's going to end up I'm the one that lost someone that means the world to me, even if he doesn't realize it. Or, maybe he's just as confused as I am. I think that we fit together like peanut butter and jelly. We just go together. We just match. I wish it didn't hurt so much to know that we match. That our relationship makes so much sense to myself. I wish that I could just forget all about the last year of my life...or find someone to take the place of the one that I thought wouldn't be replaced. I came into this semester/school year thinking that maybe for once something good would come out of it...replenishing the friendships that I once lost, finding new friends, finding out that you want to share something with me. But, we all know that life is not fair, and I find that my pain that you caused is the cause of me falling down into the hole that I have to somehow get out of. I find myself lost and confused when I'm hurt and down with all of this. I wonder if you ever feel as much as I do? I wonder if I hurt you as much as you hurt me. I know, well I want to believe, that you do hurt as much as I do, because you told me not to cry, you told me not to hurt, you told me all of this, all of these things that I shouldn't be feeling or shouldn't try to feel. You told me though, the one thing that hurt most of all, that we should have stopped talking back in December, when all of this went down the first time. And, in a sense, I agree, I agree wholeheartlity that we should have stopped all of this the first time I found myself in so much angony from the pretend relationship falling apart. But, I couldn't let that happen. I did for awhile; I let you go. I let you out of my life. I let you go, I didn't want you here as much as you didn't want me here. I didn't want to be in pain anymore. Is this what I'm going to have to do again just to get by with everything? Do I have to let you go just to be happy? I hope not, but I'm leaning more towards yes, because of the fact that whenever I'm not with you, I'm happy. Yes, I still seem to think about you, but who doesn't think about someone that they care about? Without you it seems like I can do things, I don't let you get me down. I try to face everything on my own without coming to you crying and pouting about things. It's nice not having someone there, no support, because I'm doing it all on my own. I lied. I don't think that I can do it all on my own. In fact, I know that I can't, because there was someone that replaced you this summer, not in the relationship area, but someone that held me there as I cried and told me everything would be okay. It was nice, but it wasn't you. That's what I thought about, I knew it wasn't you. And that pained me, but now, I need to let you both go. But, mainly you. I just need to let this all go and become something that I want to do. I need to become more independent from you. I just need to let you go. I don't know if I can, but I did it once before, it took awhile, but I managed not to let you get me down. I think I need to do that again, not only for my own good, but for your's as well. I'll let you go, so you can find out what you need and what you want. And for myself, I need to focus on my education and my friendships, because I need something to keep me in line to figure out what I'm doing in this life, I need to figure out what I want and what I need.

I sit here, wondering what is going on back home, what everyone else is going through, why can't I be there, and be happy? I just wonder sometimes. I just want everything to be okay. I want my little cousin to be okay. I want her to figure everything out what she needs to do to make herself happy. I need her to be strong for the time being. I need her to be okay. I need her to be strong...not only for herself, but for our family. I did it, I'm still here, and she can just do it a bit longer, if she can just tell someone what is wrong with her, if she can just learn to express herself in a different way than anger, she'll get better. I want her to be able to do something to make herself better. I want her to think about everything. I want her to just be okay. I want her fragile ego, and her fragile self esteem to begin repairing themselves. I want her thoughts to be clearer and more stable than before. I just want her to be okay, because I know that it's hard for her. I know it's hard for everything to be okay. I know that...and I'm sure she understands that. I just want her to be able to figure things out for once. I want them to help her. I want her to be strong. I want our family to sit down and try to understand what happened and why it did happen like that. What they can do to help repair it, but try not to elimate the problem, because you can't get rid of or avoid a problem like hers. She'll carry it with her for the longest time, she'll keep it with her forever. I'm not sure what will happen to her when she gets older, but I'm sure it won't be for the best. I want her to be happy. I want her to be okay. I want everything to be better for her. It just worries that everything will be different after all of this. I just want her to get better. But, it's hard. I know it is...and I want her to understand all of that. It will be a long stressful process, and I know it will be hard for her to understand what is going on with all of it, but she'll get better. She'll figure out everything and I know that she'll become something better than all of this in the end. She'll know what she wants and most of all what she needs to get through all of this.

Why does it seem everyone always has this stupid positive outlook on life? Do you really have that outlook, or are you just trying to comfort me? It's strange, because I'm confused with everything. I just want to run into my bed and cry for days. I'm really worried, because now I want to do my homework, I want to be able to do it all and so much more, but it turns out the most I can do right now is try my hardest to take good notes in class; talk to people with the people I'm in class with...rape them for my book and hope for the best. I don't really feel well; it's like whenever I have to meet new people I get really stressed out and worried about them. Because, what if the people don't like me. What if I did something wrong? Then what? Should I just play it off or what? I worry too much about what other people think and even more about what I think about myself. It's strange, but I try to deal with it all. I'm just really worried about school right now, and I'm worried about so much more. I know why I'm all worried; but then again I also know that I should just go with the flow and hope and pray that this all works out. I just really need this loan, I really need all of this to work out and everything. I need to know that everything is going to be alright. I need to have my books, I need to get my gpa up, I need all of this and so much more, and I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm thinking or anything. I'm all worked up about everything. It's nice.

I hate this. I really do. I'm more confused. I should just let it all go. Just forget about everything that was, could have been, and is. I hate the feeling of everything falling apart and the feeling of letting go. You confuse me, make me cry and everything in between. It's not really all that fair...you realize that don't you? I hate how you make me feel and everything.

I shouldn't have invited you or anything along the lines of that, but then again, you actually did come down. You've started talking to me more, listening to me, and everything in between. Strange, yes, comforting, even more so. I'm not sure what the hell I'm thinking about all of this for. It's stupid and what not...I should just give up. You did not try anything with me or anything...I don't know what to do anymore. I just want everything to be okay. I'm not used to this unsure water I'm traveling with any direction or anything. It's really quite scary. The money, my job, you, everything in between. The only stable thing I have is the fact that Courtney is there and stuff. So, I don't know. I feel so stupid for everything that is going on. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just going to let this fall into place, everything should be better than you could ever believe. Hopefully. I cross my fingers.