I hate her, because we just don't get along, and what not...but that isn't what I came down here to talk about...I came down her to talk to Courtney...but the call was lost.
I'm sure everything will be okay for her, because it always is. I can't believe that her family would do something like that to her. I mean there are reasons and I'm completely supportive of everything she does. I'm not saying that Courtney does have problems, but I'm just saying that maybe talking to someone would be for the best. She does the best job ever at hiding everything. That's something that I know for sure. She never has any problems hiding something from someone or not telling a whole truth, unless she knows the person. But, I know for one that Courtney hurts sometimes, and Courtney feels the same way that other people do, even though it doesn't seem like that. Courtney is one of the strongest people I know, but deep down I think she might be as weak as me. And that could be a bad thing, but in most cases...well I don't know...that's where her faults lays, because she's not strong all the way through...she has major problems with everything and I know she does. I vote that you talk to someone dear, because I love you. Even if you have to call me in the middle of the night, you need to talk to me...
On the lighter note, I forgot how great it felt to play video games and get angry, seriously. Like, Bunker is slowly turning into Cody, which for me rocks...and he has a somewhat potty mouth like Tylor. I love it! It's great, but I dunno...I mean I miss them soo much, like I don't think they could ever be replaced by anything or anyone. I love them, no matter what they think. I could careless if Evan told them anything about me or what things I've done, as long as they know the truth and love me for that...but I'm scared that Evan could affect them, because of the fact that everything changes with them and that scraes me, I want them to be okay with everything. I want them to know that they can come to me and tell me they love me because I'm the only sister they have. I want them to know that I made it and I want them to know that I did it for me and for them, because if I didn't make it like I made it; I don't think that they would be making either...I mean they are a lot smarter than me, but they know they have some rough things ahead of them...they worry as much as me and more, they are worried about paying for college and they are sophomores in high school I love them for that, because without them thinking that I don't think that I'd have the faith in the them that I do in going to school and making it...I hope that they are more successsful than me, because then it'll show something, that they are stronger in groups. I had no one when I was growing up, but me becoming sucessful is all that matters to me, for them I want more, because they deserve it, they deserve it a lot. I mean that. I love them. I just want them to know it. And on top of that, I want Willow to make it, because I love her too. She's the bestest little sister ever.
On that subject, I want to be what I'm not supposed to be and that's pregnant. I'm only confessing this to this blog and Bunker. When I found out the test was a negative I was reliefed, but I wanted it to be fake. I wanted to have a kid. I really did. Dacey. Wouldn't that be a really cute name? I think so. I just wanted a baby. And I don't know why. So when my arms hurts all I think about is...why could I just throw up in the morning? I mean that. I wanted to prove that even though I still fuck up a lot, I can still do it. For really for truly. I could careless if everyone would think that I would be a horrible mother, because I don't think I would be. I just wanted that chance to finally love something more than anything in the world. I wanted the chance to start my life again, to give all of this shitty place up and what not. I wanted a chance to meet new people. I wanted to feel loved, because that's what it would be like. I wanted the support and love and I would like the attention not the negative attention, but some kind of attention. I wanted the baby, even if Matt wasn't there. I wouldn't care if we weren't a family, I just wanted it more than anything, and I know that's the worst thought in the whole entire world, but I can't help it. I know it's wrong and it would make things a lot worse than they already are, but I wanted it and what not. And Bunker had a really good explanation...I've always wanted a baby and at the chance that I could have one...it is going to hurt that you can't have that chance...even though you know it's the wrong one. It sucks...I just wanted it. It's the best thing that I'm not, but it hurts a lot...I'm going to let it go...
I want him still. Gosh!! I'm so horrible, because I just like him so much. I love being around him,I love knowing he cares (no not Matt) and all of that...everything that surrounds him as a person, he's great, kind of a dick, but really he's great. I just wish I knew what to say when I was around him by myself...why I still have to freeze up a little bit, I wish I didn't do that, but I do and it bothers me :) But that just means the obivious that I still like him a lot, I'm glad we're never going to be together, because that would just mess everything up...and that's fine...I mean...I dunno...it's confusing...no it's not...we're never going to be together, we're not together, we're friends that's that. That's all there is to it. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not that hard. I don't know what I'm talking about...I know all of this, and yet I still presist to like him. I don't know why, I wish I could be like: would you stop acting like a complete dork around this boy? And then one day I'd be like: Super! I'm not acting like a complete dork around this boy, just somewhat of a dork! Yes! I don't like him anymore! Yessss! But, that's never going to happen...well maybe one day...but not right now, considering that I could tell him anything, but I couldn't tell him about the test. Isn't that wierd...he didn't even know that I had sex...how fucked up is that...he's like: this matt guy?? What are you talking about? And what not...he like put this disgust in his name, like this guy is not worthy of him saying it...it was kind of weird, not jealously of him, just like: hmm...his this guy worthy of holliejo and what not...and is she doing the right thing?? You know, like him being someone that's going to be there for me. It's kind of strange, but I love it, because it shows that he does care about me, which is really awesome, because he rocks.
Oh man...what else can I talk about...hmm...I really don't have anything else to talk about...I mean that...everything is finally okay with everything. It's almost been a year though...I can't believe that I have only seen my mom a handful of times and only talked to her about a dozen times in the last year...with my dad is like that in almost two years...it's crazy. It means that I've only seen my little sisters once or twice in the last year too, because if you count me staying over night...then I got to see my little sisters...gosh I miss them more than anything in the world. Seriously...that's another reason why I wanted a baby, is because of the fact that I could have someone there to replace the thoughts of Jasmine and Willow and not have to worry about them anymore...I wouldn't think so much about them, because I would be to busy taking care of my little baby that I wouldn't have the time to think about them...which sucks, because I love them more than anything, and to finally give up and move on is going to be hard, because seriously everyday I wish I could kidnap them and take them to a far away place and love them forever, because that would be awesome, I know that I can't take them away from family and it's quite selfish of me for me to want them all to myself, but I know they love me. Well, Jasmine does...and I know that Willow misses me, you just have to give her time, Jazzy on the other hand, I think that she will always love me no matter what...and Willow her courosity will just kick in and she will remember me and love me again like a little sister should. I miss her more than anything...she is one of the prettiest little girls I've ever seen in my whole life...she is beatiful and smart and now she is doomed for high school drop out stoner with a kid...and no job...and it hurts, because I want to take them away from that, and make them something that's real. I want them to be like Cody and Tylor, smart and college bound and going to be sucessful at something, not just doing and dealing drugs. I love them, they can't end up being hurt. They just can't...I miss them. That's all...now lemme go to sleep and try not to cry in fear of waking up the one I hate.

Where are you now I can hear footsteps, I'm dreaming...why can't you come see me.
Why....I hate you.

I forget what it feels to write while you have music blasting in your ears, does it make me write more or something? I'm not sure, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Anyways...so I'm sitting here thinking about everything that has changed in the last few weeks. Everything and anything. For one, I'm finally discovering who I am. I'm quiet, but loud around those who I know and when I want to get attention I'm sure to get it in all the wrong ways, but quiet all the same. I'm just the girl that I wanted to be, and was all along, but was to "I'm holliejo" to discover what I really was. "holliejo" that's something crazy...but we're going to give you a brand new revised definition of my name, that it's finally going to make some sense about everything...
holliejo by definition:
holliejo: a girl trying to find her place in the world, always confused about where she's supposed to be, never ending contradictions fall from her mouth, she doesn't know what she's going to do today, tomorrow, or in her future, but has a distint look at things, and she wants the normal life style, nothing that is dysfuntional (but to be dysfunctional you need her def of that too), she just wants to fit in for a day, and she likes to use random words making no sense at all, but to the close friends she does have, it's one that makes her holliejo. Holliejo does not like to be talked about, like any human being, and when someone is talking in hushed voices it is most likely directed at her, or so her-worried-self likes to think. She likes to be nice, but can be a complete bitch, and isn't scared to say she isn't a bitch. What else...she thinks about everything and is scared of losing the people she loves the most...which is a lot. To be commited is something she wants, but is to scared of doing soo...she is someone that has heard from her friends, "has something about her." Holliejo isn't sure what this could be, but it's probably a number of things that makes her what she is today. She's been pushed around, and she will push back. She will give nasty looks and call you a bitch without regret, for she has few of them in the past. The only thing that she wishes she could ever take back is the fact that she told someone that she didn't love them...that's one thing she wants to take back and it's going to haunt her always and forever...it's almost been a year, but the thought is still fresh in her head, what did she do to deserve half of the things that happened to her, why did everything have to be so strange...why did she have to deal with the things that she went through...why couldn't everything be different for her in the end...why couldn't she have a happily ever after. This all describes holliejo, and while getting off the subject of her def. it's nice to know that she can just write and tell everything about herself. She's one of the most open/closed people...she doens't like to think she's weak, but she knows she is...she is everything that she wants to be and everything that she wishes she wasn't. In general she is and always will be a contradiction to herself. She doesn't like thinking about it, but she does it anyways.
Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always
kiss you, taste you, alnight, always. Lemme hold you, touch you, always.
I want to. You should know that. You're one of those guys that I miss so much, that I want to be with you, because I know that I could love you. In fact, at one time I know I did, but then you fucked me over and what now, because guess what? I love you. I really do, and I want to be with you always and forever...you just were to scared, and what not. You didn't like me with your friends, but damn boy, what did you expect. Seriously? I want to be with you, I really do, and what not. You just won't give the time of day to lemme be with you. I really want to. I don't know what to tell you. I want to call you up at this very minute and tell you I want to be with you. I just can't, because what if you say no. Because then I know that I'll be hurt, I said I'd call this week and I didn't I wanted to give you space, but really I just want to sit with you and drink a beer or whatever and I want you to hold me tight when we are watching a scary movie, but I know that won't happen. I don't want sex from you, but damn it's great. I just want to be with you. You're the one that I want in my life at this very moment. I want you to build me the computer and I want to do everything to you...and watch you geek out with me...and make me laugh and sneak a special smile my way...you're one of the best guys I've ever had. You're the best. hands down. I told you things about me that most can't get out of me, no matter what. I wanted to tell you to give me more time, but I was so pissed and so worried about me getting hurt that I couldn't bear not to tell you to go away. I just want to hold you, Matt. Seriously I want you to come across this and I want you to believe that you care about me, because I know you do. Why can't you call me tomorrow and tell me the things that come across your mind...tell me that I was a bitch for not wanting you sincerly because I wanted your friends instead...honey I knew that they weren't worth my time...I knew they weren't. Why couldn't you see that. I like hanging out with guys more than girls..you know that...and I love your friends why couldn't you just give me a little more time...like give me just some more...I wanted time, that's all. I could have gave you the world and then some, I could have been the best girlfriend ever, and you didn't want that. You wanted what you wanted now. You wanted a girl that you could be dependent on...like at that very moment, and I was dependent on you and what not...but you just have to give me time...and time was something that we the both us don't cherish as much as we want too. We don't have the patience to respect the time that the both of us needed, because we had sex when we both didn't want to. Only for once I started to respect it, I was ready. I wanted you more than anything in the world. But, I couldn't have you because we didn't know what we felt. I know that I care more than you do, because of the fact that you broke up with me, and you didn't want to wait, but I did. I wanted it all to work out I wanted everything with you, I wanted to call you and tell you stories about my day, and how I did nothing but think about you...and everything in between...and when you're almost an hour away and you're on the phone with me, I can sit and think that you're right there beside me and that you'll always be there to catch me when I almost fall...'specially when I'm drunk. But, you'll tell me things about how your day was and what kind of program you made and how you kicked kid's ass in madden about as bad as you did me the first time...it'll be the things that make me think...it'll be great and I'll love you forever for it...you've given me a lot, and I've tried giving you more...

I need a computer, because I don't blog anymore, so I'm getting one, but I mean I just lost interest, it's like: nothing has happened lately for me to blog about, or whatever, I'm getting better at composing my thoughts in my head, it's really awesome, because of the fact that I don't have to write as much, and now this is just like a thing to do and what not...it's awesome.

Everything has changed and everything will continue to change. The people that I once trusted are now people that I don't consider trustworthy. It's kind of strange how everything falls apart right in front of your face, and it's really disappointing when one of your friendships. So, everything is good now, because of two things, the fact that test was a negative and what not. That was a major accomplishment. I'm not quite sure how you accomplish not being pregnant, 'specially when you are having the sex, but I did it. I'm horrible. Deep down inside, I wish I was, because I want something to care for and take care of always and forever, but I'm not. It sucks. But anyways, I have to go look at getting a computer, because this blog is kind of boring me.

Where are you when I need to talk to you? No where to be found. Oh well. Thanks for freaking me out. Do you realize how much this scares me, now with my problem, this makes miss mckenzie's little problems seem like she's all about herself...oh wait, that's because she is. haha. Bitch. Anyways, I can't be. That's all there is to it, because guess what? I would get fucked over hard core, what about him? I don't know what I will do if I am, but I like to think that I'm not, but maybe I sit and think about it, and maybe I am...because of everything that is going on right now, maybe I should just look at everything around me and what not...
Okay...worst case senerio...I'm fucked. But I dunno...I should get something done...fuckfdsajkfjkljka;jfkda;jkfdajfioajieoaiozjiofmeajioeau8iouoeajiroj3akljfkdsaljfdalsjfdksajfdkals;fjdka;sfjdkas;lfjkda;sfjkd;asfjkd;aslfjkd;afjkda;sfjdkas;lfjkd;lasfjkd;lasfjdkas;fjdkas;fjdkas;lfjdksa;lfjdksal;fjdkas;lfjdkasl;fjdkas;lfjkdasl;fjdkasl;fjdksal;fjdksa;lfjkdsal;fjdksal;fjdksal;fjdkas;lfjdksal;fjkdsl;ajfkdsl;ajfkdls;afjkdl;aa;slkdjffjkda;fjdksla;jfkds;lajfdks;afjkds;ajfkd;safjdksa;jfdksa;jfdkas;fjdkas;fjdksa;
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holliejo loves you

1. Everything is changing now, everything feels different now. I think something that I shouldn't think. I don't think I am, but if I am...shit. What the hell am I supposed to do? A sudden like whatever it is...I don't know...I should...but I'm scared...I'll wait...
2. I want him, like I've wanted him never before. Damnit. Seriously that's the one thing that I don't want...but I love the way he looks at me, like there's a hint of him being able to like me, or something, something that makes me feel better about myself, veruses just being with someone. I don't know...it's a really hard stare to deciefer, but that's fine, because I love every minute of it. Damn myself...I hate him...no that would be a complete lie, damn him to hell for making him like him, although I don't think I did that.

Fuck.

It's been a crazy last couple of few days, I've been thinking about a lot of stuff and what not, and I just get to thinking that everything is going to be alright, because I said soo, and what not...so then I begin to think about everything and what not...and I want a computer. So I'm going to go get one.