Why can't I get home...or at least see the people that I care most about? I mean come on. I really want to go home and just be like: Mom please cook some tator tot casserole and make everything all better. I want to play video games with Tylor and Cody and I want to see my dog and my cat, Romeo. I want to hold him like there's no tomorrow. And most of all I just want to sit in my room and cry because I'm scared that I'm not going to make it. But, I can't, because now that I'm a big girl...well hell I can't because of the fact that I'm not even allowed into my "home" that was my home for awhile. But, I mean I could get most of it from my Grandma's house, but sorta. Anyway...so I'm sitting here thinking and realizing that even the most unhappy people are happy sometimes. Because I mean...this guy, George, well he doesn't think to happy about everything. He's had a hard time in life and he said he doesn't like going home. But, today when his family was here to visit he seemed happy...like everything was okay happy. Like a "I'm going to make it" happy. But, me I can't get that Happy like I want to get. I don't know why, but for some reason I can't. No matter what. I mean I won't get the happy when the people that quote on quote care about me come down to see me. This means that when my mom, Grandma, Grandpa, Cody and/or Tylor come down I won't feel anything. I mean...maybe most likely with Amanda and what not...but I mean that's different. This was George's Family...not just friends. It pisses me off because I just want that. And no matter what I can't have that. I won't ever get that. That bothers me, because why couldn't I have a family through life that actually wanted me to do something with my life? Why! I want that soo bad and I can't have it. It sucks. Because what about when I get married...there's no point in having my picture perfect wedding because well...there'd be no one there on my side to love and congratulate me on my outstanding love for this guy and the fact that I'm bonding myself to him always and forever. But, you know what that means...that almost everyone in my family has divorced...so the love is going to be short lived...which kind of sucks, because I don't want to be like my family. Ever...never ever. Why should I be like my family? I mean there's nothing to show for it. I mean only like me and my aunt have gone to school and what not...that totally sucks. I don't really count my Dad's side of the family. I don't talk to my mom, much. umm...what else. Well My Grandpa kind of cut me off from a lot of things...and my brothers...well they're just so much better than me that well...they're going to a better school and do so much better than me. And everyone loves them, becasue they can do no wrong. ever. What. The. Fuck. Tylor's pissed around with drugs. Cody's a complete dick sometimes. But, that doesn't mean anything, I suppose. I just wish that they could keep their shit straight just long enough to leave and never come back. I mean it. Never come back. Take no bonds with them, because they need to do better than I did. I wasn't supposed to want to come back, but look at me. That's the one thing I want to do. I don't want that for the boys. They need more to life, that what I've had. I don't know what to say about them. I love them to death and hope for the best for the both of them. But, I mean they're gonna get so much more than me. Which is fine, but I mean I want them to do it just like I did. Pretty God Damn Rockin. Because I rocked hard to get where I got. But, I mean I don't want them to piss with Evan because that'll stop everything. I want them just to ignore him for the next 2 years and a half, just please do it for me? That'd be a nice thought. But, anyway...I must be going. I have to check my fin. aid and shit.
holliejo :)

Am I good or Am I good? I am great. I went and binged and gotta nice bright orange Platteville Sweatshirt it totally and completely rocks and I love it more than anything in the world. Okay, no not really...but it is dead sexy and I'm going to buy another one next week along with a pretty cup for me or Mr. Rice for a joke or something...I don't know yet. I'm gonna get a new thingy that holds my keys and stuff. I'm totally shopping away. I need to get my computer though. Along with a printer because otherwise I'm completely screwed. I really need to get my caluator to. But what can I do. I want to go shopping so bad. I'm a really bad girl. Oh well. I just came up with a story off the top of my head in like 20 mintues. Hey! I'm working tonight. I'll totally have money. Horrah! Anyway...I have a phone bill to pay, but that'll be it until I get my cell phone. And I'm doing that soon. I mean I want the night and weekends and what not...but for really for truly I'm getting a cell phone when I come home. I'm just gonna walk in and be like: I'm leaving with a cell phone. Mkk? mmk. So, yeah I'm going to be a good girl tonight and not drink. I've only drank 2 nights out of the month I'mve been here. That means that out of the all of those nights I may have had something to drink, but not really drink drink. Because well last night I was really drinking. Like I wanted to buzz really really bad. But, I didn't until I got into bed! I was angred by this, but what can you do? Nothing. Then hmm...what else. I was going to say something...but then saw a cute boy...oh yeah...umm...the other night when I was drinking to get drunk...I didn't get to get drunk because of the stupid RAs that caught us...so guess what? Hollie Jo still has never been drunk...so this is a good thing right? Right. Hollie Jo has no money either so she will not be drinking. Soo there! Manda has left to go to see her brother that is soo exciting because that's totally awesome. I have to go to work tonight I'm kinda ughed about that...but I'm sure I'll be fine it's totally easy and what not and I have a good time. But, anyway...so yeah that's it. I have to be going to class soon...yuckie. But I went to all of them...and usually do when it's Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. See I'm a good kid. It's a lot of money down the drain which isn't good for me, but I can't help it because I'm just a horrible girl. But, what can you do? I have to work tonight, I'm going to make like 25 bucks. That'll buy me some grocerices. I want Gram to send me money not just me. But I can't expect her to do that...I want a care package...but it doesn't work that way. But, whatever...it'd be cool but I don't expect it. What can you do? Nothing...but anyway...I'm out for now, b/c I have things to do today...no not really...but I should go to class soon.

Shits and giggles means Shits And Giggles. Why can't I understand this. Why can't I be like...Come On!! I don't know...this is weird...I'm not that hurt I don't think...I'm sure that I'll be fine...I know it...it was shits and giggles, but I don't want to think that...I don't know...

I'm supposed to be studying. But, frankly I'm really pissed off. So, I really don't think that will be happening any time to soon. I want to study really I do, but the fact that I can't concentrate because I do believe He Who Must Not Be Named is right over there in the corner...but he did have a black shirt on today, not orange. Shut up, I'm not obessed, I just walk behind him while I go to class. No not because he has nice shoes, but because I was running freaking late! And then...oh man...my Math teacher does not know anything. I would anything I mean anything! to get Mr. Donahoe as my math teacher for this year and until I'm freaking done with my math carreer. Yes, Hollie Harlan, who doesn't really like Mr. Donahoe has learned that he is the best freaking Math teacher that has ever walked the face of the planet. But, that isn't saying much considering all my freaking teachers only use the freaking overhead and that's about it, which is a bunch of bull larky because I find overheads a waste of freaking time, just a major waste of freaking time. God damnit Prof. Gimski pisses me off. Damnit to freaking hell for me not going to class. Fuckin A. I'm oging to study for the next 25 min.
holliejo :)

I don't know what the hell I am doing!!! Confused!! I don't know!! Rah Rah Rah!! Anyway...I don't think that anything will happen between me and what's his face, but everyone wants something to happen because he's ever so cute. Which is totally true, but still whatever happens happens and I'm not to worried about it. I mean what can you do blah blah blah...I don't get it...anyway...so I'm sitting here wondering what the hell I'm doing up. I mean I really should go to bed and the fact that I only have like 5 lines of writing kind of bothers me too. I don't know. Anyway...so my wonderful roommate is doing great with the guys where as for me I just get to make out with random people and random people sucks ass because I would like Random Person, What's His Face, to be more than just a Random Person named What's His Face. Which is I don't know...I know that he knows that I like him. I mean I was with What's His Face for one night and I really fucked a lot of shit up. I don't know...anyway...I'm out for now I think that I'm going to write in my journal and look at shit and maybe read until I fall asleep to like Blink 182 or something...I don't know. G'night.
Holliejo :)

I don't rightly understand the stupid people around here much sometimes, okay so I shouldn't really say that they are stupid or anything, but I should say that they have something. I don't know...I mean I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about or anything like that, but okay...here's the deal-io. That person confused the freaking hell out of me, because they said a whole shit load of things that made no sense at all to me. They also said somethings one day and then the next they knew that it would make me think about everything and I'm sure that some of his views were somewhat true and they were trying to get into my head, which pisses me off. Anyway, then the next day they are all weird about some things and it doesn't make sense at all. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with that or whatever. Then I don't know what else to say about it all. I mean it's not who you think it is. Trust me on this one. I mean it's someone completely different. You don't even know them. Anyway...so I got "in trouble" this weekend, but I don't know...I hope that everything works out. I'm really really tired. I think that I'm going to bed really early tonight. I don't know though...it depends if Courtney decides to call me. I'm really sorry that I couldn't be at home this weekend. I really wanted to be...so that kind of sucks. But, then mmk here's the deal. I call my mom and talked to her for a really really long time. How crazy is that? I mean come on. I think that is just crazy. I couldn't even think about calling her and Gram was like: just call her...so I'm like: mmk I'll call her and see what's going on with her hoping to at least talk to Cody or Tylor. But, Evan picked up the phone which I really didn't have a problem with, but you know...anyway...so she's really proud of me...and I didn't ever think she was...but she's also kind of scared about everything, because of the way she acted, but I mean what can you do. I think that through all of this we'll get close again and everything will be okay after all of this happens, but for right now all I can do is watch and wait and hope for the best with her, because I don't want to fuck anything up. And she even kept me on the insurance. woot woot. I can't bloody believe this shit. That is totally and completely awesome. But, anyway I'm out for now because I have to go eat, do homework, and do some laundry.
holliejo :)