Mmk...one word to describe this weekend and all the other times we're together: drama. No...make that Drama. Yes, it's so bad that there's a capital D and a period at the end of that word. Because guess what these are the people that I'm with all the time...I don't really feel like describing them...but just know that it's crazy.
Anyway. So I create drama.
Thrusday: Girl says that people like me and a friend are different. Well. I'm not gonna have that. Because guess what? We're not different and I don't really care if I go back to my fucking childhood to tell you about why I'm not different. Just because I am more prone to different things than you doesn't give me the right to be called different. You said what you said yourself. I just led you into it. It's not my fault. Anyways...so other people get pissed because guess what: Little ol' fucked up Hollie brings up something that doesn't need to be talked about because I've had a perfect life and I don't wanna hear about your fucked up-ness, because I hear about enough. Well guess what? You don't know me, you haven't understood why I've got like this, yet! and we've been here 2 months you'd think that you'd know all of this shit and understand me, but no, you don't want to take time out to learn something about others because you're to self centered to think about anything but yourself. So, that's what happened in a nut shell...but others were thinking the same thing about me getting soo caught up in the past...only they don't act like the first person does, no they share it in a group and laugh at me because they are nothing like me...I don't know if this is what they really do, but lemme tell you they are gonna say something to someone else and they are gonna have a natl. rip on Hollie Jo day, because they always do, I know they do, and it's fine with me, because I do the same, but in a better way than you can.
Friday: So, I snapped again. At a different girl. That felt good because I know that I shouldn't have, but I did. Because everyone expects me to have great goody giddy days. And that isn't the case sadly. Of course it's not the case. I dont' know why hollie would be soo perfect to have a good day everyday. Because guess what: holliejo isn't perfect...why do you do think that? Hollie has bad days too...really bad days! You haven't learned that yet. I'm either up or I'm down and in either case it's extreme. Do you get that? That's me on a normal basis. It's quite nice being like that because well no one knows whether I'm up or down...well okay so you do. But, anyway...so they talk shit about me, which is fine with me, but when it's someone that I didn't think did...well then it's different because out of everyone I didn't think that you were like that. Seriously. Why did you do that, I seriously thought you were someone that was something more than that. And then someone pointed it out to me: You're something like the leader...you're the most fake of them all. You're the one just like everyone else that creates lots of drama for themselves and what not so people pay attention to them, because I do the same thing..it's okay though...I don't mind. Anyways...but then I totally apologize and everything is okay...everything. Like nothing ever happened...but this is before I found out that you are fake and what not...so I'm good too. Other than that, everything was okay.
Saturday: Everything is okay...I'm a little shady with everyone, because that's the way I normally am...if you haven't noticed. Get home and a friend tells me something about what happened...on Friday about everyone talking shit about me...that's always nice...so now I go back and call someone out and what not...and they totally lie to me about what they said, but I believe her because I can totally understand where you're coming from, but when you're AOL profile is toatally pointed at me and "I'm seriously starting to piss you off :-D" I think that I really don't care because you are fake. You need to call me out and talk to me, because there is no point in repairing our friendship, because you are more fake than I thought that you ever were and I find it amazingly funny that you out of all people are like it, it's all good I guess. I mean I'm not really all that worried about anything...if you really want to be my friend go for it and what not, just don't talk shit and don't be soo fake and maybe I won't have to deal with it, but when I'm having a bad day, don't joke around me with me and don't do things to piss me off because then what? You just don't want to mess with me because it's not worth it, nothing is worth any of this drama. I'm seriously not interested in this drama anymore, because you remind me of my old best friend and we don't talk anymore it's quite funny how I'm guessing you'll end up just like her.

Come take me away and make me feel better make everything go away and make me laugh again. Make everything go back to normal and make me smile. I just wish that everything would be okay for awhile. That's all I want that's all I ever ask for sometimes I get other times I don't. But, please make my somtimes a little bit more than my never.

I have nothing of importance to blog about, but my one finger isn't working properly. I'm not sure why not, but it's not good. Anyway, on top of that we have a slight problem. What do you do when you don't like someone, but you have to put up with them no matter what because of the present circumstances. Yeah, lemme tell you it sucks. I have no idea, I thought it be okay, but it turns out it isn't. I mean I don't mind them that much, but I do in some ways. I don't know why. You're not allowed access to any of my shit, unless you ask. I don't know...I get stressed out with certain things. I don't know. I guess something in life you just have to deal with b/c if you don't then you are screwed. You know what I mean. I have to go to class tomorrow it should be fun. I dunno...but I'm gonna go for now.

You Know I Like YouSo You Just Tease Me
You Give Me Just EnoughTo Hang On Enough
When you're just wasting my time
simply wasting my timefuck, just wasting my time
So lemme ask you somethin
Do you think I'm pretty or don't you
Do you want to get with me or not
Or are you just wasting my time?
Don't be wasting my time.
Wadda got to say?
Well, things have got to change.
See, this isn't rightI think I better go
Things aren't working out no more
Sorry so sorry

I dunno, this isn't how I feel, this is just a song. Yes, just a song. I love the song. You know what I realized? That I never free write anymore. Never ever. Well I did last week, but I never do it just to do it. It's always confined and I never really express myself in my blog in fear of people reading it. I don't know why I'm so fearful, I mean the fact, well fuck you know this. I'm the most contradicting person in the world. You know that. It's a nice feeling. Anyway, you have no idea what you did or why you did it. I should go watch the simpsons, it's the best show in the world. And I didn't watch it for like ever.

You Know I Like YouSo You Just Tease Me
You Give Me Just EnoughTo Hang On Enough
When you're just wasting my time
simply wasting my timefuck, just wasting my time
So lemme ask you somethin
Do you think I'm pretty or don't you
Do you want to get with me or not
Or are you just wasting my time?
Don't be wasting my time.
Wadda got to say?
Well, things have got to change.
See, this isn't rightI think I better go
Things aren't working out no more
Sorry so sorry

I dunno, this isn't how I feel, this is just a song. Yes, just a song. I love the song. You know what I realized? That I never free write anymore. Never ever. Well I did last week, but I never do it just to do it. It's always confined and I never really express myself in my blog in fear of people reading it. I don't know why I'm so fearful, I mean the fact, well fuck you know this. I'm the most contradicting person in the world. You know that. It's a nice feeling. Anyway, you have no idea what you did or why you did it. I should go watch the simpsons, it's the best show in the world. And I didn't watch it for like ever, because I love it.

I vote:
1) You stop calling me. All the time.
2) That I stop lying all the time.
3) That I wish everything would be okay, and just once more I could just have a home cooked meal, while watching re-runs of The Simpsons with my brothers.
4) That I could put up with people that drink, that way everything would go back to normal and I could do number 3
5) that I could realize that normal is never ever going to happen, even if I wanted it too, because I am so far from normal that nothing can ever be where it is supposed to be.
6) that even if normal ever did exist that they could get over the fact that I actually want to do things they consider crazy, just like me thinking that when they drink they are crazy. What's so wrong with writing and wanting to do something with my life?
7) that I wouldn't do the things that I do, even though the things that I do make me who I am now and affect my life in the future.
8) You change. I don't know how you should change, but where you're going now isn't worth anything. You aren't worth anything. You have material value, and that's it. Nothing else. Do you realize this? That you can't do anything about anything, but what you wear or anything else that has some material value. That your actual values are worth nothing, because you don't follow them or listen to yourself or others, even though you should a lot more. I don't know why I have to be so mean to you, it's just that you don't care anyway, when you should. You sank back into what you were trying to get away from. You missed it. You hated being someone you weren't, but hon, that isn't you either. I know you have to cry yourself to sleep. When I read what you write, that isn't you. I know when it is and when it isn't. And whenever you write about her, that isn't you. Ever. This I know and you know it all to well yourself, but you can't admit it. But, that's alright, because I'll love you when you fall back down to Earth and you realized you fucked up.
9) For normalacy. (spelling, fuck off) I don't know what normal is or what normal was. I've never known normal, but I want something close to it.
10) That you realize that even though something is under control by someone else, that not everything is going to change, like they think it is. That isn't the way things work, contray to what you think. It's okay though. I don't know if that makes sense. But, I wish it did.

So I voted. I voted for the first 10 things that came to my mind. Well, only nine of them are true, but what are you going to do. I know that what I voted for, right now, means something to me and problably nothing to anyone else, but that's okay, because that is what we vote for. Just on a bigger scale it's more likely that someone out there is going to have a veiw that is related to your's. I don't think that any two people have the same exact thought, they just say they do to stay with the group and not get pointed out. Anyways, that isn't what I'm talking about. I have to learn to realize that everything out there is something, anything, nothing related to normal. Normal isn't anything. It's a state of being that people have made up to describe something. It means nothing, because what you think is normal and what I think is normal is completely differnt. For me, I picture Normal as the utopia that I never had growing up or right now. I want the Normal, which is still far from the Normal a lot of people are used to. I don't care if I get divorced, but I don't want to marry again. I would prefer not to get divorced, but it could happen. I don't want the soccer mom appeal, but I want something close to it. I just want something that could be thought of as normal. Not compared to normal, just something. Enough to stand out, but enough to be able to sink back in. The black shirt in the navy blue crowd.