I've decided that I'm sick. Not like puke sick, but I'm like: hmm, I just I am sick of this fucking shit. That's what sick I am. I have officially gave up. This is the last straw. I love December. And October. During these months I get fucked over.
I *heart* this feeling.
holliejo

Everything changes. Things happen for unknown reasons, until you think about them. It's amazing how the world works and everything is so different than the day before. I'm not sure why this happens yet, maybe it's supposed to be this way for me. A build of feelings that I tell everyone, but the person or thing about, then someone breaks that thing called trust, that I'm so trusting to break anyways, because I'm really to shy to do anything about it and what not, but you know if you think about everything. Time out lemme gather these thoughts. My brain is just going fast and doesn't want to stop ever. It just wants to sit here and type about everything and anything that is on my brain. I'm amazed about everything and anything. I just can't sit here, I want to talk, scream, write, sing, everything. It's an amazing feeling. I feel so relieved. I can't believe it would feel this great. I'm not hurt, I'm a little sad, but not hurt, I don't want to cry. I never want to cry. But, I just feel that I'm amazed at everything. I can't stop typing and I won't stop typing until I really have to, and even then it's just a television show, so I really don't have to stop typing then. I just I can breathe and it feels like...amazing. Like dirty air would be just so amazing right now. I can't believe. Everything is going to be okay, but I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I mean all of that is still lurking around everywhere, but I mean other than that I'm really good. Like super! Because that's the way it's supposed to be. You know?
Just thought of something. About reasons.
For everything you do, there is a reason why you do it. And behind that reason, there is another thing called a consquence. And, well you know. I like reasons. Because even though I believe in creating your own destiny and living and making your own choices, everything is planned out before by yourself, therefore creating your own destiny...anyways, so tonight, well...I'm sure by the previous posts that I have posted about, you'll know that I totally have a crush on a boy, because that's what holliejo likes to do. Anyways, so everything with this boy has come to a horrible halt, because everyone that's anyone knows about this crush. And I just don't want to deal with it, because I come to find out that it's just a waste of time right now, because I'm just not going to deal with it, becaue I can't. Anyways, so he's talking to anyone that'll listen about me, and how he knows and what not. And that some girl told him, because well I told her (trusting her no less) thinking that she wouldn't say anything, but you know what that means...that means she's going to say something. And when she does, he wants me to say something to him, and that's just fine with me, because guess what, now I have no choice, I have to say something. And now I'm okay, but let's continue. Anyways, so I "lose" my card. It was gone. It was really gone. I checked everywhere, twice three times. And she tells me, someone else, his close friend. And I decide that I don't know what I'm going to do. So, I do what I think is right. And I go here, and I tell him I'm sorry. That's all and he doesn't get it at first and I still don't think he does. But, I wish he understood. Because...well I forget why...but it was a great story at one time, I can promise you that. It's just amazing. I feel like I could take on the world then some. I have this great feeling inside. It's just amazing. I know that I repeat myself, but that's because I can...I'm so amazed at everything that has happened tonight. Imean that. I'm soo high right now, I feel so good.
holliejo :)

Trust. I hate it. Because I still don't trust anyone or anything. I can't believe this. Everything that I do gets to someone somehow someway, because I can't keep my mouth shut. And then I can't say anything. Because I'm not capable of anything like that. Do you honestly think that everything.
I'm leaving in a year. And I'm not coming back.

Do you know how often I get writer's block? I don't know...but I know that this time it's really bad, and I wish that I didn't have it. I don't know. I can get one or two sentences down and then I can't think about anything anymore. I just wish I knew what I was thinking in my head and what not. I really mean that. I just want to be able to express my feelings and not think about anything else. Only, I think to that my feelings are a little more confused than any other time, I just don't feel like I should be doing this right now. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yes, yes, I think I've got it. My hands are moving at like 5315 miles a minute. My thoughts are almost back in order and as long as I don't think about it to much, I think it'll be fine. Okay. So, now that I'm over that. I can talk about whatever my little heart desires, pretty exciting huh? That's what I thought.
Him. You. He Who Must Not Be Named. Anyways, so Herman. Yes were going to call him Herman, because Herman seems to be the best name for him right now. There's some things going down with me and Herman. Well not really and not that he's aware of, but I think in a way he is aware totally and completely that he's aware of what's going on. And that's fine with me, I just don't want things to be at all awkward. But, I mean I'm holliejo so somethings are going to be slightly awkward if I say something to him...hmm...thinking thinking thinking. Anyways, so if you think about it, I'm just more highly confused than I ever thought that was humanly possible, because it's really hard liking your friend that lives upstairs with you and you see him at any time of the day! Even in the night when you're in the your pjs and your sitting there thinking about something completely out of the ordinary and you just tell him because you can and what not...and you get extremely embrassed because you have to live with him for the rest of the year. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about it, but it sure isn't fucking writer's block mother fuckers. Who wins now? OH I FUCKING DO! Bitches. Anyways, so yeah, I just don't think that I'm gonna tell him. Because I'm just not capable of that, because I'm holliejo and you're just to great of a person to have some person like me crushing on you. This is all and it's been great being able to reclaim my writing abilites.
holliejo :)
"Normally I get goosebumps at this part, but I don't think that my arms are working."

Okay, so here’s the information I’m providing for today. I have nothing much to talk about, but I guess I do have some stuff to talk about. I’ve decided that things have changed a lot, because I just don’t feel the same way; I’m really just highly confused with everything and I’m not sure why I am like that, but guess what?? I am. Anyways, I still like him and I’ve decided that I’m always going to like him, no matter what. He’s a great person and he’s super fun to be around, for so many reasons. I don’t think he likes me and that’s okay with me, I’ll just continue to like him, because I can?? I’m not really sure, anyways, so here’s the deal. It’s not as horrible as it has been for awhile, but it isn’t as good as it once was. So, anyways, I’m not sure what I’m exactly what I’m talking about, but since I can I will
Subject One: The Boy. Well, this is it. I like that boy. Yes Yes Yes. You already know this, but I just can’t stop talking about it. So, I’m telling my blog, because it’s so much easier to talk about it on my blog, because then no one has to know but me. And that’s a plus? Right? Right. So, I really don’t think he likes me, and that’s okay, because he never knew in the first place. So, this is a plus, because then I don’t have to worry about anything ever happening, nope nope nope! Horrah for holliejo she wins! =) Anyways, even though I wish that he knew that I like him, it’s better that he doesn’t, because everything gets really awkward for me and what not, because that’s just the way that it is. I mean that. I can’t fix it or anything; I just do it the way that it has to be done. So yeah, it’s not that good, because it kind of bothers that I can’t be with him. I wish that I could, but I know that I can’t, I don’t know. *Angry/Confused Face* So yeah, that’s my problem with guy problems! ugh! But, what can you do about it? Really nothing, I don’t think. =( But, I guess that I’ll be fine later, I mean there’s always other boys to like and what not, you know that as well as I do, I just wish that I could like and have this boy. That would be great. He’s super nice and is just great; everyone thinks so, just like me.
Subject Two: I have to simmer it down every once in awhile. I just have to make sure that at certain times I’m a lot calmer than other times, because when I’m not calm I get really hyperactive and what not and people really don’t like to be around me. But, you see I think about this, I know that the people that I’m around realize that they don’t like to be around me, and sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to be around them as much as I am. I mean I’m perfectly capable of not being around them ever. I mean I can find different people to hang out with, but I’m really really really really shy. I just don’t know why though. I’m not shy when I’m around people I know, maybe that is because I’m around them all the time, but I just wish that I didn’t have to be so shy around people that I don’t know. I mean I think that I might leave the wrong first impression. I wish my first impression was someone that was shy and fun to be around, someone that is smart, and caring. But, no that isn’t my first impression; my first impression is someone that comes off as a bitch, because her sandal breaks, well oops. I wish that I didn’t have to come off as that, but I do and that’s all the matters, but anyways, I don’t know. So, here’s the plan. I have to simmer down and act like blah around everyone else, because that’s what you have to do when you’re like me. You just can’t be yourself all the time, because people don’t like me when I’m like myself all the time. And it’s really not changing me; it’s more like just not being me for the time being. But then if you think about it? It’s really changing me for really. I mean if you can’t be yourself all the time, then you’re not really being yourself? But, if you decide that you can simmer yourself down, then you’ll be fine? Right. That’s what I should of thought all the other times. Hmm, this makes me think a lot more.
Subject Three: There isn’t a subject three. I think that I’m just going to post this and then find out what’s going on, cuz that’s sounds like funholliejo =)

I have been a Harry Potter fan since I was in eighth grade. It is my longest hobby ever, and has actually created several new ones for me. I am a fanatic. That is all there is to it. I cannot help but be critical of ever thing that is in the books and including what has recently been an amazing movie series. I am though the pickiest person about the movies, pointing out ever flaw that the movie has. Just last week the third movie was released, Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban, I bought it on Wednesday and watch it thoroughly for flaws. The third book is by far my favorite out of the five books that have been released, so I was more prone to find the problems in the movie.
The third book is a major turning point for the series, this is not as apparent in the movie as I thought it should be. The book has major points about Harry’s father, Harry’s parents’ friends, and most of all about Harry as a person overall. They did well on the last point, because they showed his hatred for certain characters throughout the movie and in the book. You begin learning about Harry’s father, James, more in depth in the book, because of the things he did to help his friends when they were in a difficult situation. In the movie, though, they did not have much to say about James and his caring, smart, brave character, this is a major flaw, because later in the books all of James’ characteristics are contradicted. In the movie they did a very good job with James’ friends, because they showed the same characteristics in the movie as presented in the books. The plot line is too thick to discuss characteristics of the many characters in the books, but I can reassure you that they did a very good job with some of the characters and a very poor job with others, sometimes including Harry.
There were some unavoidable things that happened in real life that affected the movie. The man who played Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, died. They replaced him with someone new, of course and the results were very mixed. The first Dumbledore was a very good Dumbledore, he was calm and quiet, but had the powerful, fearful, and most of all controlling characteristics that the book Dumbledore has. When the new Dumbledore came into play in the third movie it was the complete opposite. I felt that he was distorting the role of Dumbledore into someone that was not who the book portrays him as. The new Dumbledore does look different, but has the same appeal as he did last time, but the movie never really had the appearance down in the first place. There are many flaws with Dumbledore that they should work on, but the new Dumbledore will most likely do a great job in the last part of the fifth movie, because of his aggression he has a character. Overall, the character of Dumbledore has changed in the books and the movies, but he still is somewhat a well-represented character in the movies.
Other characters in the books have also changed, but they are well presented in the movies. Hermione, for example, is one of the best-represented characters in the movies. Hermione manages to maintain her cleverness in time of need, and can produced a well thought out smart remark to make Harry and Ron think about what they are doing wrong. She has that charm that you find throughout the book, and has that little liking for Ron that so many fans are looking for. Draco, one of the “enemies” of Harry, is also well produced in the movie. He is hated in both the books and the movies, and he is one of the best characters that the movies have been able to reproduce. Ron is another character that is very related to the book Ron. Everything that he is in the books is almost exact to what he is like in the movies. It is a very good process, if they could manage to produce character in the movies like the ones in the book, it would be a lot better for the movies.
The books are something that I have come to know and love. I could tell you events that happened throughout the books and how it changed the outcomes. It’s very hard to watch the movies and not see key events that should be put in, that are ignored, because they do not have the room to fit them into the movies. I am very critical of the movies and the books, and I will be the first to tell you if you love the movies, you will love the books even more.

Time to get my shit straight and begin thinking about everything and anything, you see here’s the thing. They still talk about me and what not and still talk about me. That is fine because they are little bitches and what not. It kind of angers me when I come to find out that they are still talking about me and know what is going on. RAH! It just really pisses me off. What are you supposed to do? Anyways, so here’s the thing. They both know that I really like the boy that I like and what not. And what the hell is wrong with liking the boy that I like. Well, here’s the thing. He’s a really good friend and I would be terrified to tell him that I liked him, well because that isn’t the way things are supposed to work. Anyways, so I really don’t know if I should tell him or if I should just let it all go and pretend that I don’t like him and what not. All I know is that I’m not going to say anything to anyone about it, even though I know that McKenzie is going to say something to someone about it. I can’t believe that I told her something about it. God damn it. I’m so pissed off right now at her. I really don’t like her and I don’t think that I will ever like her. I think I have just created a plan to use to tell him. Mmk? Ready here’s the thing: I’ll tell him that I’m having problems with McKenzie and trust and what not. I’ll be like: so I like this boy and what not and I mean I don’t know why I like him, but that’s besides the point and I told her, because well I only wanted to tell one person, but then another person came in and I told her and then I asked someone else for their advice, and then I told McKenzie…and two out of the four people that I told I can’t really trust. I mean it’s not going to get to the guy, but it’s going to get to other people, that I really don’t want to know…hmm…so there’s my problem. And then I’ll be like: so…what can I do to get more trust in our relationship, blah blah blah and all of that. And then! On top of that he might just decide to ask me who I like: and I’ll be like…oh you don’t know him and what not…but that’s not part of the plan, that would ruin the plan…I don’t know I’d have to say something of importance to make him think about it. All in all I give up and I’m not telling and I’m not saying anything about anything anymore, because I can’t trust people with anything.
Anyways, so here’s the thing: I haven’t wrote in like forever. That’s why I’m here typing my little heart out and what not, because I think that’s what is best for me in the current situation that I am currently in, and well because I can. =) Anyways, so I have no idea what to talk about, because I really don’t have anything to talk about. Well that’s kind of a lie because you can really think about everything and what not and you can be like: wow holliejo you’re life is changing at warp speed, even though it doesn’t seem like it. Everything I knew before is completely different. I don’t feel what I thought I felt. It seems like everything is falling apart because I don’t know why. UGH. Everything is more about me and not about others. I mean I love everyone to death, but it isn’t my main goal to make sure that everything is okay with everyone else. I mean it. I don’t like hearing about everyone else and their little problems, because they aren’t mine. I can tell that Amanda and I have grown somewhat apart. There is something there that wasn’t there before. I just don’t think that we’re going to be friends before like promised. I’m at that point in my life where everything is just a lot different than what it was before, because frankly I know that I have changed and what not…I really don’t care that I have changed all that much, just to know that I have is all that counts. I mean I don’t know how I’ve changed, but I know that I have. I don’t really feel all that close to certain people but other people I could tell anything to, that I couldn’t tell before. I don’t know why I feel this way around certain people and different around others. There was this point where I wanted to tell the world how I felt and why I felt this way, now I don’t want to, because I feel that I’m already being myself by just doing what I think is best for myself. I really don’t care if you are completely different from me, I mean if you respect me for who I am and what not, I’ll totally respect you. But, when you’re like that and what not and you don’t respect anything about me, then you have to go. Because that’s what you’re doing now. You think about yourself too much and what not and you don’t realize that you don’t care about people around you. It’s all eyes on you all the time everyday, even on holidays. You’re like the bitch that never sleeps, because if she sleeps then she doesn’t know what’s going on or who might be talking about her, and you can’t be having that, because you have to know everything before it even happens. I could almost promise you that you will talk about me today and how I’m just not anything of anything, because I’m holliejo and I’m nothing like you, because of some stupid reason. And guess what I’m fine with that, because fuck you. I really don’t want to be like you, anyone that is like you, that’s fucking insane. No one should want to be like you, because of the way you are. Yeah, you have some good qualities and what not, but you’re not someone that I want to be friends with and what not. You don’t give anyone the time of day, unless they are someone like you. That’s why you and the other one, who is almost like you, get along so well. You know that right? It’s all about you all the time, no one else and what not….and you could really careless about anyone else, because that’s the way you are. And guess what I’m fine with that, but just don’t get your nose up in my shit even if I do talk about it. You’re a bitch and no matter what. I really don’t like you. And that’s just the way it’s going to be always and forever. God you’re a fucking bitch.
*Sigh* That felt really really good to get out. I mean it. I can’t believe that after everything, even when we talked, I still feel that way. Damn it to hell. I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do all this year. Junk, junk, double junk. I wish I just could be like: Guess what McKenzie I don’t like you. But, you can’t do that to someone that YOU LIVE WITH!! OH NO!! Because then she’d be like: good because I DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER! And then guess what: It’d be great, because we both know that were two totally different people and neither of us would rather hang out with the other one. That’s not who we were in high school and it’s not who we are in college, because guess what? Neither of us, yes I said US! Isn’t a big enough person to drop whatever we had against people like us when we moved to college, isn’t that a nice thought? And I mean I could deal with her for the longest time, but now, I’m like no no no. I don’t want to deal with this, she can just go and find someone else to live with, because I don’t really like her, at all. Period, point blank, I can’t stand McKenzie. No nope nope. Just can’t do it anymore. *Sigh*
So, what do you do when all you want to do is find out what is going on and why you feel this way? I have no idea, because I’m the one asking the question because guess what I can! Anyways, what else can I talk about? I feel so good about writing all of this stuff. Oh!! Oh!! Oh!! I have something; holliejo has something!!! Horrah!! Anyways, so here it goes: no matter how many times I say, “I’m not going to take the signs that you give me as something.” I do. Can you believe it? Yeah, you probably can, because I’m holliejo. So, here’s the thing. There are all kinds of signs that people can give you to tell you something. And well I think that I could have been receiving signs from someone, even though I highly doubt it, that’s why I think that I shouldn’t have been looking for the signs, because you know, I doubt that this person feels the same way, although…no holliejo. I don’t know what to do. I just want to tell him, “Boy, I like you.” But, it’s a lot harder than that, because well…you just can’t go around telling people that you like them, especially when they are your friends. That just doesn’t go right for me, anyways. So, what can holliejo do? Well, I guess she can just wait it out and talk to him more and find out what he’s like and if I’m getting better vibes from him and what not, or I could just do nothing about it and just live my life and not find out anything, only to realize that he likes me and he’s about as chicken shit as me to tell me, wouldn’t that be nice? I think not! So, I must tell him, but not now and not for a little bit, maybe I’ll just talk to him so more and what not and find out what’s going through his little head. I don’t know, this is all so confusing and what not and why does holliejo have to get so confused about the littlest things? It shouldn’t have to happen that way, but for me I guess that’s the way it’s always going to be.

Yeah, I miss you tons. Everyone I miss tons. I wish that sometimes I could go back and pretend all of this didn't happen and what not. I can't believe everything changes between everything it's really difficult for all of this to flow through and what not. Ugh! I'm soo freaking confused right now. I don't have much to be confused about, but I do have to fjdklasdsjsss I can't do this anymore.