Let's all say bullshit, right now all together *bullshit* super! you guys did great! who's gonna be the best teacher ever? oh that's meB/c I'm not gonna see through the bullshit that you feed to me on your paper. You know who you are. You are bullshit, pure and utter bullshit. They just like you, b/c you're normal predictable and fit the mold. You know that right? The mold: anything and everything that you want to be. For once, just be real. really real. I know that's going to take a while to grasp on to, but you should start to try, that'd be for the best. Anyways, I thought I did super, but nope, I can't do better than you at this, and it sucks, maybe because you're a favorite, or that you have physical abilites that others cannot compete with. Hmm...maybe. That's prolly it. Get real that's all I ask and that'd be for the best.Anyways, on to other things that I want to talk about. I miss her, more than anything in the world and what not, and I think that she knows that. I mean I hope she does, because she knows how much I mean to her and everything and just to see her again, that would rock more than anything in the world. She needs to come down and see me and figure me out again. Because presently I'm lost. So lost and confused, twisted and used. I'm confused about so many things and scared about so many more. I mean that. I don't want to have to live outta three houses and a plastic bag full of my shit, trying to figure out where my next check of some odd dollars is going and what not. I want the stablity I had when I knew where I was going and what I was doing. It hurts not to have that. I never had to think ahead and now I do and that sucks, because I mean I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that during the seven odd months or whatever during school that I do have somewhere to stay, not really a home, but just like a somewhat prementant place for me to stay. But really, I need a home. I need somewhere like a home, I need my mom again, I need my dad, I need my gram, I need my brothers, I need my Willow and Jasmine. I need so much and all I have for myself is my blankie that keeps me safe and a fish that doesn't do anything. That's the saddest family that I've ever seen. Don't you think? I mean that. Don't you think that I should have something else? A family? My friends are a family, but how many of them would actually tell me that they would let me stay and let me get back on my feet for the summer? How many? Seriously? I can think of about 2 or three. I mean, I feel bad, b/c I don't have a car or a linsense at that (fuck my spelling) and I need all of that to make it. Maybe if I can talk my grandpa into it and everything I can get something to drive around and what not and stuff, I mean I'd prolly end up taking it in his truck if anything and that bitch is huge, but it's better than nothing and what not. I dunno...I just need to get me on my feet. I need to learn to be independent. That's the thing that I don't know about. Being independent. Who knows how to be independent? Seriously? I don't know how, and I don't know if anyone I know, knows how to either. And that's pretty sad. And that's okay though, too, because everyone needs someone. But, since I only have a few, I need to learn how to stand up on my own. Like a baby. Be there when I start to fall to push me back up to where I'm supposed to be, teach me how to walk, and I promise I'll learn, and soon I'll be all over the damn place. That's what I need. There's thing that I know how to do on my own, and things that I have learned on my own, but I do need people to help me with the things that I don't know how to do. Or something...I got lost. I just want someone that I can depend on and take care of me, offer me somewhere to go for no other reason than they want to take care of me, but that same person has got to push me away, has got to get me ready for the world something like that. And, the thing about it all is, that my mom was supposed to be the one that was supposed to do this, and I think that's the problem. Maybe me, being without a mom has got something to do with it. I'm not sure. I can tell you this though, for sure. I miss her more than anything in the world. That's the one thing. As much as I thought that I hated her, I don't think that I ever could. I really don't. I mean that with all my heart. I don't even know why I ever said that, because if I wouldn't have, I would have had a place to go during the summer and someone to help me off my feet, hopefully...as long as Evan wasn't there. God, I hate him, hate him more than anything in the world. I just wish that he was gone and never around then, everything would be okay, everything and anything. I promise you that, I'd be there for my brothers and what not, and for my mom and everything. Yet, that is all a dream, a hopeless dream that I can only think about. It would never happen, never in a thousand years and I know that. And that sucks. You know why, because all my life I've wanted somethings more than others, and I've gotten so many of them. But, the one thing I wanted, and that was for me and my mom to be like everyone else's mom, well that never happened...and that hurts.

Everything hurts today, everything. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really scared about everything. I mean that. I mean why can't everything be okay? I have no job for the summer, I have no place to go. I have nothing. And everyone thinks that their life is so damn hard. Do you really have a tough time thinking, well I'm going home for the summer to work somewhere that is a promised good paying job and everything? Do you really think that? Does it really work that way all the time. Do you really think that everyone has it that way, and if so, why is that so hard for you? Why? Why do you think that you're life is so damn hard. It hurts to know that you think you're life is hard, because if your's is hard, then mine must be hell. You hate me and you know it. I hate you too. I really do. And you're just a bitch. I hate you.

Now about this life of mine that I can't get figured out and this life of mine that I can't find the answers to. I have none right now and I don't think I'll ever find the answers that I need. The real answers. The ones that I want. I want to know why I hurt so much, why can't I feel why can't I do this. She's all over the place.