Dude, I don't know what to do...dur.

Fuck yeah! check this mother fucking shit right here out cuz it is mother fucking awesome!



Guess who holliejo likes
yeah, that's right, it's yoU!

Better off on my own
no more kisses no more anything
nothing.
no more chance for a boyfriend
no more chance for him
there is nothing.
friends with benefits doesn't work
he won't see me around
anymore
I should have never went back to him, because who does such things?
I do and I know that I shouldn't
I can't believe that it's all falling down
I knew that he didn't want a relationship so, why did I push such things? Why did I question it all? I always do stupid stunts like this all the time and I wish that I didn't and everything but I do and what not and it could be my biggest mistake ever in our relationship.
First: why do I have to like him, and does he deny such things? I don't understand that. He likes me and I know it. He knows it. The kisses show that he does, the way he holds me at night, that shows it too and now that everything is out in the open and what not, and now I'm hurt. More than anything in the world. It hurts to know that even though those kisses mean something to us, they're worth nothing. What did I do to deserve this? I'm not quite sure but there has to be something that I can do to make it work, but it's not really worth it. It hurts so bad right now, more than anything in the world. Anything and everything and I don't know why. I wish that it didn't hurt so bad. I really wish there was something that I could do to make it end differently. You know? Like just tell him that I actually care about him. And tell him that I want to be with him, but you know what? I already tried that and it didn't work. It really didn't. He rejected me and pushed me away and told me to go away because "temptation" is the devil for us. The kisses he gives me and everything in between feelings I haven't felt in forever, being touched and compliemented like I am...it's so hard to be in that position and I hate it. And now, I have to learn how to deal with everything all over again, I have to learn to be without him, but he still wants me around. What the fuck? How come I get fucked over so much? Why can't I just leave him, and never talk to him again? Why do I have to be the one that gets hurt all the damn time? Why why why? I'm so confused and if someone could just help me with all of it...well that'd be for the best! Thanks! I really mean that. I just wish that I was doing something with him right now. But, really I wish that I was hitting him and punching him, making him feel some kind of pain that I feel emotionally. Not any other way. it just hurts, just really hurts and I hate it. YOu have no idea. I want out of this relationship, it kills me. It makes me hurt it makes me think about everything it makes me realize that maybe I'm not the one that deserves anything, I should just give it all up, and just stop what I'm doing. I should just stop. I hate it. I don't want to do anything. I want to have to deal with this anymore. I want to give up and just stop and just stop forever and ever. And I know that I can't and that hurts more than just having to deal with the fact that well, I don't know. I'm just so confused. I want all the pain to stop. I want everything to be okay. I just want everything to be better. Everything and everything and everything. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have you? Why can't your kisses actually mean something? Why can't I just actually sleep with you and say, "g'night" and give you a gentle kiss that so many people do? Why not? I'm so confused. Ever so confused. Fuck.

Good times, I mean that, even though this weekend didn't amount in what I wanted it to amount to, it was a good time. I mean that.

Well, let's start with Friday night. I knew what was going to happen and of course it did. And it doesn't bother me or whatever, I just wish that I knew what I was going to do with the information I have now. I don't understand what he was trying to tell me and that was bothering me a lot. And what not. I don't know how to deal with him when he gets like that, and it hurts and everything. And then the exgirlfriend called and I really didn't know what I was doing. There is so much that I have to figure out with the relationship. There are so many problems with it too. I mean that. I just wish I knew what to do. I want everything to be okay. I mean that. I just wish he could see that. No matter how much we fight and everything, I will always forgive him. He knows why I left last time. And it turned out that it was all a misunderstanding. I wish that he would understand that. And on top of that, I pushed it all out of my head. We have so much to catch up on, and I think right now we are going through this sexual phase and that's what we're catching up on. And I don't like that at all. I wish that we could just catch up with everything. Sit there out loud and talk for hours and make sure that I finally understand everything, but I don't think that's going to happen. I mean that. I just want everything to be okay. I want to make sure that I know what he's thinking and everything. And with what he told me on Friday night, he does want something, but he can't, because he doesn't want to hurt me, and I don't want to hurt him, but we fight all the damn time, and that's the thing that sucks, because I don't want to us to avoid a relationship because we aren't capable of not fighting, because I know that we are. We're both so damn stubborn about everything and that is the thing that sucks, because I know that I will not chance anything for him, and he can't get me to chance anything either. I mean that. I mean the thing that I'm thinking about changing for him, and that's my hair and that's something big whether he realizes it or not. I mean that. I wish that we could just see where this is going, because I can't deal with him acting like this anymore. I really can't. I just want him to tell me everything and I want us to understand. It hurts so much.

On this perfect day, nothing can go wrong, it's a perfect day.... (song!)

I have to continue this sometime when I feel the need to finish it. I just got up and left it, because I knew that I couldn't do it without talking to someone...