I wish that sometimes I could just act normal...and be like everyone else and what not...never worrying about anything...just being holliejo...I realize that isn't going to work and what not.

Anyway...we got our yearbooks yesterday and I guess they are pretty cool...but anyway that's not the point. The point is that there isn't that much writing space...and what not...so I have to hand write all my things on paper and just stick it in there...the bonus...I can sign them at home.

The truth be told...I really can't do Geometry anymore...I lost it...I really don't feel like writing anymore...also my wonderful reading and writing high went away when I felt that my head hurt a lot and what not...and so with that...my yearbook sign-ings suck because I have no writing effort at all and that blows for me and the wonderful people who want me to write something special in there...but anyway on to something more important such as Geometry and how bad it blows and the fact that I don't like it anymore than anything in the world...in fact I hate Geometry...just because I'm a senior and the fact that I only have like 13 days of school left and that bothers me and I don't like to do it...I just don't...and that's it...I'm very like that...I have no amibition and it sucks harder than Amanda does...hahaha...had to cheer my self up some.

Do you ever feel that you are losing someone close to you and they almost sense it too and it bothers the both of you because you really don't know what's going to happen to you after you leave...because you know there's a good chance that nothing will ever be the same after you come back to visit from college and you feel bad about that..you just really do...because you don't know what to do and I doubt that he would either and it bothers you...and then the fact that you are still scared that he'll hurt you...and you know deep down that he never would because he just can't do that...but you still have to hid things when you write...and he gets all offended because you don't let him read it...but thruth be told...you're scared you're scared to let him read your stuff...because when you write you tell the truth...you know what's going on in your head and that's nothing compared to what you write about...so when he gets offened because the whole world can read and you're holding out on him...that means a little something...there is nothing I would like more than to be with him right now...I would love for him to hold me like there was no tomorrow...no he isn't all that cute and yes he's gots some bad taste...but he's all there and he's smart and caring...and I can tell he doesn't want me to get hurt...I could never tell him anything about everything...he only knows the good things and it's the good things that count...never the bad...never ever the bad...I wish that everything would be okay...but soemthing tells me it will be...but you are going to have to move on and what not...to be where you truly need to be...

I see him in my present...not in the past and not in my future...I have him in my life for the next 14 days and that's it...he's gone...never to return...I can tell he's like one that has made me look a different way in life...he's seen more good in my than bad...it's great...I dunno...and now he's leaving my life...and leaving forever...when I say good-bye to him...that's really what it is...that's all. I can't bloody believe it.

But, then there are people like Sabrina...that I hope are in my life for years and years to come...I want to beat the odds with her...I want her to be my best friend forever not some childish game that we used to play...she's here with me and she's come through all this shit with me and that's all that freaking counts...she's stood by me and took shit for me...no one has ever done that for me ever in my whole life...I've learned to defend myself...and to have someone on my side...it's great...you will never ever leave my mind...you are my best friend.

I'm on this high...this natural and utter great high...in the next 5 hours I will write more and more each hour becoming a writing and reading machine...I now know my own symptoms...I get very very cranky and then...like that I turn on...warm up and I'm off...like right now...I'm on a writing high and I could possibly write forever...there is no doubt about it...I know that.

I'm out...I'm so happy.

okay...time to talk about the subject above...I can't believe that I've really changed...when I came into my senior year I really didn't think about this...I mean I knew that I was going to change...I just didn't think this much...I really didn't.

I've changed from being great friends with all my little senior buddies...to being friends with the freshman and now I'm on the Junior/Sophomore thing...so what's wrong with that?? Well the fact that I barely talk to my Fresman friends, Courtney and Ashley...and the other fact...I'm not friends with anyone in the Class of 2004...that is really kind of scary...just because of everything...I dunno...I mean I love the Junior Class...I mean the ones that are cool and stuff and don't think to highly of themselves...I really like the guys in that class...they're putty nice and then there are the people that totally and udderly remind me of my class...the one's that are horrible...the ones that I hate almost as much as my class...I dunno...but I guess that is just something that I have to put up with all the time...I dunno...I man it really doesn't bother me...

Anyway...the reason's why I've changed...deep down I always thought I wasn't happy...but now as the end is in sight...but far away...I realize that I am happy...that there is nothing in this world that I can't almost touch...it's kinda scary realizing this...because all through my life I've been told that I couldn't...I couldn't thouch everything...that I was just plain old holliejo and there was nothing I could do about it...but now I'm better off...I'm holliejo and I'm happy; I'm happy to be me and other things...there isn't a day that goes by that I don't realize that out of everything my life is somewhat of a good thing...it gives me power to think that all through life I've done some things on my own...sure I've cheated and what not...I've used my mulipulation[spelling] powers to get somewher...but other than that...everything is better everything I've done has got me to where I really want to be...I mean sure I'm leaving with some bad things...like not having a job...the chance that I won't come to my 5-10 year runion...that is just something that you have to face...I mean no matter how many times I hope to see everyone...I really don't know if I will...just because of everything...you know...that is something that I'm willing to sacarfice in order to be a better person...in order for me to become what I've wanted my whole life...and so with that I end this subject only to move onto the next.

I've told you a billion times that I've gotten over Stefan...and for some reason I think that you just need reassured that it's over and what not...that it doesn't matter anymore that I don't like him and don't really want him in my life...but you know me better than myself...and you know deep down there is that chance that something will change one day...but I hope it won't...you know?? I really hope it doesn't...because I've changed and I realize that: I don't need him in my life to make me feel important...that is what American friends are for...he is just here and he pissed me off and what not...and now I'm fine

On to something else...I hope that everything will be all right.

I would give reasons but I don't feel like typing for the rest of my life. I really do...I don't understand how come they think they are better than everyone else...that is the one thing I really don't understand...oh and another...don't be nice to me unless you are meaning it...and even then don't bother...becuase you have dug a hole with me and I don't feel like getting you out...in fact I would rather help you dig deeper and then bury you alive. That is all on this subject...


Anyway...on to something more and more interesting...I'm holliejo and I get to get away from the class of 2004 in apporx. 16 days...that rocks pretty hard...the only thing...I'm leaving everyone else behind...I don't want to leave most of the juniors...I mean I love you all to death and what not...and I don't feel like leaving any of you...I earned everything and I love who I am right now...I'm holliejo and if you don't like it why should I give a damn?? right right?? that's excatly what I like to think...just because of everything...I'm going to sit there through the ceremony thinking: this is it...in approx. 45 minutes...I'm done with y'all I don't have to see you guys anymore...I don't have to put up with anything that you have put me through...anyway...but I'll miss a lot of you and I hope to see you more and more as life goes on...but I'm ready...I really am...there is nothing I like more than to be able to become what I really have wanted to be in the last 13 years...I've finally made it and as these days grow less and less there is nothing I like more than rub it in y'all faces...yeah oh well...it's done it's over with...but the fact that I've finally done it...I no longer have to put up with it...that's a great thing...I'm going to college this fall...and I don't want to tell anyone about the things that I had to go through...I really don't...I just want people to care about me for the person I am...not because they have to feel sorry for me...that's like a bunch of BS...anyway...but I'm really happpy about everything..t.hat's about it.

Anyway...something more before I leave you all...no I'm done.

I read the one post wrong and I'm really sorry abou that...I didn't realize that Courtney was being nice...but that is what happens when you are dorking out...but whatever...I must go.

I really don't like the new blogger...yeah it's official I really don't...I can't believe that this is the font that I am stuck with...I mean come on...this is like the worse thing ever...it looks really cool but the fact that the font that you write is like: yuck that is the thing that bothers me...I dunno...it is more for the more of a google users...and it bothers me...I like to blog and what not and there is nothing more that I liked more than the old format...that rocked...I mean I really like the whole 1200321324 templates...but other than that...nothing about this thing rocks...it takes me like 146 hours to publish something and that drives me nuts...

Anyway. Okay...on to something more...well I'm glad that everyone feels that way about me and what not...thanks Courtney...I understand your love for Tom...and what not...but okay...sending me to the back burner and what not...well that just bothers me...I mean I understand that and whatnot...but just saying that and stuff...bothers the living hell out of me...you of all people...yes I thought you understood too..but yeah...have you ever heard the saying: Bros before Hos?? I mean not that I'm your bro and Tom's a ho...but I mean for really?? I mean just come on and think for a second...I give up...right now.

Okay...on to something else...have you ever had those little subtle messages you hope no one finds out...well...I'm a friend of this gurl..and I got her message loud and clear...I mean congrats for you not getting attached and what not...but you are...and I've asked...and he's not interested...I'm not telling...but I doubt any of you read my blog enough to understand anything.

On to something more also...I've changed and what not...and so everything that I've done has changed...I've become more friendly to the juniors and what not...I dunno...I've just changed and what not a lot over the last 3 months...some things that are good and other things that are bad...I dunno this is me now...and that's all. I mean let's be real for a second...through everything me getting away has been almost the only postive thing through it all...that means that when I leave this hell...as I like to call it...everything will be alright for me...everyting and anything...that means there is a sporting good chance that I won't want to come back...and that is almost fine with me...I mean that is just something that everyone will have to face.

Everything has changed and what not...and that's good for me. But, after I leave everyhting will get better for me and the other memebers of my family...my brothers are most likely getting college paid for them...which means they will prolly get a car too...which for them rocks...for me that sucks because it goes to show that my life as it was a while back sucked and it was a living hell...yes I did deserve some things that happened to me...but that didn't mean you had to cut me off from everything you had...I mean come on...I have to some how come up with money for school...and you guys are making money and that sucks becasue I really do need money...and I've never made money in my life for a second...but anyway...that sucks because I really don't want you to take the money I need away from me...I don't think the govt. will realize that you are not ever going to talk to me again and with that I will recieve no income from you what so ever...so basically put I'm screwed...no one else in the world knows exactly what I'm going through...even though many pretend I do...I dunno...I hate you more than anything in the world...and you're my mom.

Anyway...on to something new...I hate some people that think they are funny and stupid and stuff...I mean I've grown up and what not...but come on...you'll suck you really do...grow up an become something...there is almost no way in hell that you are giong to make it...quit staring at my boobs...anyway...sorry about that...this is for really...I can't believe everything our class thinks and what not...and they think they are like top shit and everything...and then next year they are all going to be fighting for some bottom of the barrel job...I should know...I'm going to be one of them...but whatever...I'm sure that I'll be fine one day...and when that one day comes...I'm going to smile and then die...because...well yeah...just because.