Saturday, August 14, 2004
I'm Like "Hey!" (In A Completely Out Of It Voice)
Oh man, I'm bloody tired and tired some more. But it's all good though, because well it can be? Yeah, that's it. No dudes, last night I did The Walk For Grace and it was tons of fun, although I didn't do much walking, but instead I did do a lot of talking to everyone (Courtney, Holly, Caitlin, Amanda, Mindy, Short Gurl Heather, Nathan, yummy Tyler Hanold, Kathy, and some others) and dare I say Patrick. Mawhahahaha. Yeah, I totally was like: you're handing out with my Patrick, and you handing out with me for the whole bloody night, to bad there wasn't any "handing out" going on, but have no free, because I was totally bothering him the whole night!! Yeah, it was pretty crazy. The only good thing:
I Got My Cadence CD!!
Yeah, I can't believe it, for once he kept his promise. It was pretty crazy. So, that made my night. And then he got Danger Zone from his car FOR ME and it was played. I was ever so happy. That was pretty crazy. And well, some bad things also happened, like me breaking chairs, stepping in banana, falling over, being marked up with pens, being cold, my voice becoming hoarse, and getting a killer headache. But, those totally don't over power the good of the night. For really for truly. I don't know, we had some fun. And they made fun of me about my computer addiction and a ton of other things. But, I got Patrick and everyone else back. I stayed up the whole night and almost kept the whole hyper thing up the whole night, I bet it was from blankets and fearing that Patrick would do horrible things to me if I went to sleep. Then he totally took me out like 8 gizzlion times. That was fine. I really didn't talk to Amanda but I mean were always together so no biggie. But, I mean I know that certain people won't miss me or whatever, but it was still really scary to be like: whoa, I'm not gonna see this people for the longest time. And I mean I had to really say good bye to them or whatever, it's really scary. But, I'm sure that I'll be fine, I really do. I just think so, I mean I think that I'll change and do something good with my life and just have a great time in school. I'm apt to change, but I know that it is unavoidable. I can't do anything to stop it or make it a better way. I just have to take it and have people there when I really need them. I know that the first weeks are gonna be really hard. And that Amanda will call me all the time. And if she doesn't I'm gonna kick her ass. And Courtney too, I'm gonna be 18 on Monday, but I'm soo 13 at heart. I still have "crushes" like hardcore (ex. Patrick/Jim/Pattie), I'm still a giddy little school girl, I'm extremely dorky, and I'm very hyperactive. But, then you look at me other times, and you realize that I have really good qualties and that I can actually be really mature and everything else that comes with growing up. It's really kind of scary, but I love it in a sense. I think I'm still discovering my emotions and the full range of them, and I also think I'm learning what makes me tick. It's kinda really hard for me to say: I'm set on one thing and this is how I am, so instead I do the holliejo thing. And I know that when I go to college, the holliejo thing won't work, until after I know the person. So, at first I have to be the funny, smart, delightful, mature but fun loving, determined, college freshman. I can't just be like: oh I'm holliejo and expect them to know what the hell I'm talking about. But, it's gonna be nice, I don't wanna do the whole start over and become someone I'm not, because I tell you what I wanna be the little girl with unbelieve highs and super low lows, it's just me and I don't wanna change that, because I'm changing everything already, I'm going somewhere I never thought I'd be going, meeting tons of new people that are gonna get the holliejo feel of things, but I'm just doing something I didn't think I could do. It's just amazing...and I didn't cry because I was leaving, I cried because I'm going somewhere. And finally just this once, the ending is happy and the beginning is bright and shiny. And everything for once is gonna be okay. I can't believe this is happening to me.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Holy Junkaroni
haha...what now Evan...I just wanted you to know that I did it and I'm gonna be just fine for once...and that's all I ever wanted, but you wouldn't let me have until I was gone...and now I am...you can't bring me down...ever again.
This is soo true and it makes me really happy to know that I'll be better off and everything is gonna be great. I just know it, I don't have to worry about anything anymore, and all my bills are paid and everything is gonna be alright. I know it, and I hope everyone else does to, because I want everyone to know that I finally did something right with my life, even though it was super hard to get this far. I'm just really happy and everything is just wowed right now. I'm just soo happy, and I'm glad, I'm happy, I'm everythng. I want you to know this. Just really know this. I love it, just really for really for truly. I'm just so happy. I'm babbling and I have to go send manda an email. I have a theory. g'bye--holliejo
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
She will be loved, I love this song. I'm so glad Amanda dowloaded it. :D I dunno dudes, I'm leaving ever so soon...it's really scary ya know? Like everyone knows that I fear change and what not, so you all know that everything that has to deal with change is super hard. I guess all through high school the one thing that was never hard for me was going to a different grade. I know that sounds pretty stupid and what not, but my fear of change is like: servere case of Fear Of Change. It sucks ya know? Like I would do anything to make sure I was fine. But, it's super hard, I mean last night I had a dream about the pep band and how I once again convinced them to play me Danger Zone, but there wasn't anyone playing it, just Heather and Hidi and then Patrick was for some reason all about it...and he played me Danger Zone then broke off a kick ass cadence. I totally flipped out (imagine that) and I was like: oh man oh man...and I ran around and what not...and screamed and I was the happiest girl in the world. And I woke up and realized that that is never gonna happen again, ever. I graduated from high school and that's one of the biggest changes I've ever had. I'm not ready to grow up and be a grown up and do things on my own. I mean I know I can, but it scares the living shit out of me, it's just the change aspect of it, that's really all. I mean...nothing else scares me that much. I can do it all, I know...I'm ready to go to work everyday the rest of my life and have a steady income and have tons of other things, like a family, house, car, dogs, cats, husband, everything, but that's all change. I know it sounds good on paper, and what not...maybe that's my problem, I say everything and don't do anything about it. I wish that I could change everything. I wish I would of failed high school, just to come back one more year. I'm not ready, even though deep down maybe I am. But, everything is sooo scary. This is really hard to explain and what not, but it all has to deal with the fact that change is coming and I don't want to have any part of it, because I jus want to go back to high school and do that again and again. I realized also, that Mr. Rice isn't gonna be there, and either is Durkin or Lord or dare I say Donahoe. This freaks me out, the teachers that have brought me this far basically by no choice had to let me go and what not, I don't want them to though, like Mr. Rice, he's the best, I'm gonna miss him soo much. I wish that I could tell him and make him understand that if I could kipnap him and take him with me to teach me everything, I totally would :D And then there's Durkin who understood tons about me and made sure that I knew what was going on and was always supportive and proud of me when I made good decisions. And then Donahoe, haha...he passed me. I failed Geometry, I shouldn't be going to Plattevile this year, Donahoe passed me folks. I failed Geometry. Wow...he's the best, but I realized that he passed me, because of the fact that he knew that I can do it. I remember on the day I was gonna tell him that I was gonna take the Final Exam for Geo. he just looked at me and said something like: we can figure somemthing out. I didn't realize that it included passing me. really I didn't. Wow. And then the last thing he told me as a teacher: See ya on Sunday. Yeah, he knew all along that I could do it, he just didn't force me to or anything. He knew I was to lazy to do the work, and he let me fail, but I think he knew something in me. I didn't really try and what not, I wish I woulda tried at least a bit harder, but I learned somethings. That's good right? I think so. I'd do anything to take Geometry over, just to pass or something. I dunno....it's pretty freaky shit if I must say soo. But anyway. I just want you to know that I really like you, and you're not gonna read this shit anyway, but maybe by a chance that one day you ever did come across this, that you would find it amusing in some sort. No I'm not talking about Donahoe, I'm talking about Patrick. I never will tell you I like you in fear that I'll ruin our "relationship" which on good days he actually talks to me and asks me questions and offers a lot more support than most. He's someone that I'll think about for the first month...and then like everyone else just slowly drift to the wayside, only to be thought of when I either see him or whever something that reminds me of him is brought up, where in his case haha...Danger Zone, Drumsticks, TriToms, The Snare, and Paintball are all included. [EDITED] I mean yeah...those are tons of things that are prolly not gonna leave me for awhile, which kinda sucks. But, I mean that other guy [Nic] he kinda just drifted away too, you don't really hear me talking/thinking about him very much anymore, which is kinda weird, because that was one of my biggest crushes and what not. And look at us now, we really aren't anything to talk about, in fact he just kinda got dropped off at the wayside and I don't even talk to him anymore. So, that's what's gonna happen to a lot of people. It's really weird to think about, because I just thought that wouldn't happen, but it did. So, yeah...but what can you do? I mean not much, and I doubt that I would change anything right now. I would love to change it sometimes, but most of the time. I don't think I can, ya know? I dunno...I guess it's really hard for me to explain a lot of things to other people, you just have to be like: huh with me most of the time. I know it's kinda hard, but that's what you have to do.
Dry Socket :(
Crying Crying Crying somemore....haha...I have dry socket and it blows. I didn't think this would be this bad, it's not..but it still sucks. There is no one online anymore, I suppose it has to do with having school starting soon. Scary shit. I don't wanna go.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
My Foot Is Asleep
Haha...blue I love blue. Folks, you'll be happy to know that I'm feeling just tons better today. Just tons. But, I'm glad that I had people to stop me from doing something things last night, such as:
-Putting pizza in the blender so I can eat it
-consuming food that I'm not supposed to be consuming
and more stuff about that. I'm not sure, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I was doing. I don't think I have dry socket *crosses fingers* because I don't want that. ya know?
I have some to actually talk about now. I know that certain people love certain things, but you are what I like to call a fake fan. Yes, you my friend are a fake fan, because well...haha..you don't read and you totally skipped it all out. I hate when everything gets thrown all out of it....that's what I hate. But, anyway...I'm not really making any sense, so I'm gonna go for now and read some Harry Potter, so I can in the end fall asleep again, drool some more, and wake up in 2 hours and take more meds and well...eat some mashed pototoes, read some Harry Potter, fall asleep again, drool and wake up, but then talk to people on the internet and go to bed later. And yea...that's what my life is right now. :( But, it's all good I guess. --Hollie Jo
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