Why did you say what you said? I don't even know you. Were you trying to snap his brain into his head so he could remember whatever happened. Which, wow...little do you know that nothing did happen. Nothing at all. We talked. That's it. But, you know I have the rep of a slut, because well let's fact it: Hollie Likes Sex. Sex Is Fun. Hollie Likes Fun. Hollie Is Going To Have Sex To Have Fun. That's what you all think, but how much of it is true? All of it of course, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to act on it with every Tom, Dick, and Harry in this freaking dorm or even all over campus. Fucking Christ people. I was told last night that this was nothing like high school that everyone gets along with everyone, so why make me feel like shit? Huh. Just like high school only worse. Why is it that I trust him, but then he pushes me away. Could it be that he is just like me in every way possible, only more complex because he has been through so much more? Could it? More than likely. Why is it that I don't like it here today, right now, there's nothing more I want to do than transfer back to Richland Center today. Right now. And skip a semester and not work and do nothing and what not and then go back to school in the spring? Why? Why? Why? I have so many whys in my life that I'm getting really sick of them. I don't want to have to deal with the whys, or at least give me some reasons for my whys. Just not constant whys and leaving me looking for answers. I hate this place right now. Why would she say something like that. I'm not going to approach her, fuck that shit. She's a bitch. I know she is. I can feel it. I'm not stupid, people down here, well like 2 people can see that. Most think that I'm a stupid dumb girl that has nothing better to do than have sex and be stupid. But, the people that do know most likely don't remember or don't want to talk about it. Because he's only nice when he's drunk/drinking because he can't show that he's weak. If he showed that he was weak it would give people something to say. Guys can't be weak at anytime. But, deep down, because drinking brings out the truth in people (this I know from many years), he's nice and caring and would like nothing better than to find out what he's here for and why he has this thing where he can figure people out. He hates it sometimes. He doesn't like seeing the people that are happy and cheery and perfect. He knows that they are fake and he knows that they hurt and that bothers him, but only when he's drinking. Also, then he sees right through my lies. Right through everything that I could ever have done to anyone. How many freaking people know that I "get off" on making people hurt? How many? Not that many. And the fact that I had just met this guy; he "knew" nothing about me. He "knew" nothing, just my name. Not even my birthplace, bday, anything. But, he knew. That's amazing. I love his skilla and the fact that I have instant trust in him for many reasons. Because I know that he is trying to make himself cold-hearted because he doesn't want to seem soft. I tried to do that. I know that he really really hates a few people in his life more than anything in the world. I know he says hate doesn't exist, but if I can have it it's possible. He knows that he doesn't want to hurt them, but that doesn't mean that he can't have any negative feelings. Basically he's numb to them. But, he's also numb to others. Others that are numb to people have problems with coping and change. Because I try to be numb towards others. I understand that no one is the same, but you also know that some people are the same with certain things. It's all hard to explain but I know what's going on in my head. I can't believe that she did that. For everytime I say I hate towards something or someone it's not really hate. I could never hate anyone. It's actually being really really fustrated with the sitaution. I know that sounds really corny, but it's actaully really true. This whole day, starting last night has been really confusing and I've learned a lot. I mean it. I used to talk about how I was going to change in college and what not and when I got down here I forgot about it, because I didn't reinforce it with myself. So that can't be good. So, then last night I told two people basically my life story. One remembers, the other I'm not talking to until whenever. But, the one, who I was talking to before. George*(name change) was the one who could read me. And he knew I had problems before I even told him. The other one ended up having some problems, but I mean I didn't really listen because I was to busy thinking about other things. I have no idea what made myself think those things. But, I know that nothing will come of it. What's even funnier, is that I haven't talk to the other guy, from whatever fucking dorm that is down the street in like 2 days. Fucker. I can't believe that. Awww well...it's kinda a funny fucked up story. Then, what else. I have no idea, but pouring myself out and George telling me that I have support here, because they are going to be like my family made me really think. I really think that they will be if I give them a chance. I'm willing to give them a chance because I know that I have no where else to go right now. I don't have a ride home, I really don't have a person to come get me and take me home. And I have to work in the morning. So, right there...those are the reasons that I have to trust George and make the most out of everything. Because if I don't, then I have no idea what I'm going to do. Wow. I have reasons for my whys. I guess school isn't going to be that bad. I mean I know it's going to be tough to find people that I get along with and can almost trust, but for right now there has already been people that have talked behind my back and told people all about me and the boy from down the freaking street. What. The. Fuck. Awww well what can you do? Nothing, much. Anyway. That's about it. I really have to shower and do something...like homework or at least a load of laundry later. I have nothing better to do and what not, because I'm a freaking loser!! I love this place not that much, no not at all. I don't know why I hate this place so much. Because maybe I don't like change. I have no idea. Maybe because I don't find myself clicking with all but a few people, until later. I just wish I knew how much later was. I hate my past and like George said, you can't tell the future so start with the past. I can't tell people my past, but I think that I'm going to have to start. But, then he also said that this was a new life. Something that no one can touch or make bad, because you are the way you are and through everything you've been able to make a new life. That's what happened. I just figured it out. God, yes I said God, long long long story. God made it so I would have a really horrible life (in my eyes) for the longest time, so that I would learn lessons and learn from my mistakes, become stronger and able to deal with problems that I'm faced with, he also tried to make it possible for me to cope with change from moving so much and having my dad's many girlfriends, he also set the course for me while my brothers were growing up because I had to teach my brothers what I learned and had to be there to support them. So, after I did all of these things, accomplished a lot more than I ever thought was possible. I was given the chance to start new, but with a headstart because I know what to expect from people. :) This is me, now.

What are you going to do when she comes to see you and you don't remember her name or what you've done with her or anything like that? What then?
Nothing happened, but the fact that you guys fucked up everything. Well, that's to be expected. I'm soo pissed at myself right now.

I don't really like work, maybe a little bit but isn't like my most favorite thing to do, you know? Like how many people actually like work? I don't know, prolly some that makes tons and tons of money doing nothing. Yeah, that'd be engineers all around here, so whatever. I don't know. It's money and I love money, I think that everyone loves money. Money is good, working on the other hand is bad and is horrible and it sucks. I don't like working. But, what can you do? Nothing.
I got a lecture today about school. Two juniors decided to take into their hands to tell me how it is and why I should not skip classes. I've been in school for 6 days and I have already skipped: 1 soc. class and 1 math class. Oops, my bad. I guess that I really look into having a later class than 8 in the freaking morning. You know? Yes. I know I should be used to it, but I'm not, so I have to learn to deal with the problem of going to class. I'll be able to do it and what not...get an in with the prof. I'll find a freaking way to pass I'm holliejo and I'm pretty sure that the world still stops for me...but I'm not sure, but I can hope it does and pray that it works that way, but you never know. I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about it, but it sounds really really good. So, I'm thinking about what to write. Awww...I could write about my friend with benefits. Yes, I have one of those, I have no idea how long this is going to last, but I have something. I have no idea why I'm doing it or what for, it could be to rebound or it could be b/c of some other reasons, but I have no idea. It's fun and what not. I guess. I don't know. Anway, what else. I have to do all this freaking homework all the damn time now and read all the freaking time it really really sucks, but I guess that I can do it alright. I don't know, I'm sure that I'll do fine with everything it'll just take some time to get used to, because of everything, it's all good. I suppose. I'm always just babbling on and on about nothing. It's really freaking cool. I can't believe that I've had my blog for a year and it's been 3 years tomorrow for 9-11. wow. That's amazing how fast time flies and what not. I have no idea what I'm talking about again, so I'm going to go and do nothing, sit downstairs and watch that movie and blah blah blah. Not talking to him. He's doing something, prolly with some whore. Imagine that. hahahahaha...
lovelots
holliejo :)

I'll post something later, for now I have to wash like one cup so I can make some ez mac and then read some geo. yank yank.
lovelots
holliejo:)

I hate it. I'm soo pissed right now. I want to cry. I want to leave. Fuck. I've walked so damn much I'm sure I could get where I needed to go and that's home. I fucking hate it here. Hate it so much that I would walk/hitch hike all the way to Muscoda at least. God, I fucking hate you.

I have to learn to do homework. This is all.

Homework: Screw...off...wtf my computer blows...I think I have blisters...it sucks. I'm tired and I have to read...aww maybe I should do that...later...haha...anyway...so I'm here done with classes today. Finally. It's been like an hour. And I'm going to work on my homework today. Actually work on my homework. Lemme tell ya I think that's the best plan I've had all day. Excuting plan...fuck no

So, I almost missed another class today, but luckily my bass from my stereo woke me up. Isn't that nice of my stereo, actually it is, because I have to attend that class, he takes attendance. Anyway, so I had to do this 10 min. of informal writing, grr...I'm supposed to be reading right now. Aww...shit I'm soo far behind it isn't even funny. I can't believe this. Anyway, so maybe it's the internet or going out and wandering around, or staying up to late or just doing nothing of importance with my time. It's all three of those and what not. I'm giving myself an hour to read two chapters. I think I can do it if I'm smart about it. Which means I have seven minutes to talk about nothing, yes I said it, nothing. This blog has been nothing for the longest time. I mean, yes, sometimes, it might have something of interest, but no not really. But, I mean I love my blog, it keeps my life half way sane and what not and offers balance in the strange new place I am in. I cried for the first time since before I left. I was/am really homesick and what not. The change set in and I'm scared that I was used again for the 2nd time in less than 3 days. They all factor into major junk and what not and it's really bad. But, whatever I'm sure that I'll be fine later on and what not. It's pretty rocking how far I've actually come/came whatever the fuck it is, without freaking out. I hate change you guys all know that. It's pretty hard for me to do the whole change thing...but I thought I was doing good, because I hadn't thought about it. But, now I am and will be for awhile. Change sucks, but I'll get better. I hope, just give it some time. Manda call me tonight, whore! Thank you. Oh, and I was thinking about that. And maybe the whole talking to Amanda and hearing how school is going and all of that just isn't good for me. It's keeping me in the past and not letting me see my future. No, Amanda if you're reading this don't get all offended it's just me thinking about everything. I don't know, maybe it could be it, or whatever, but probably not. I'm not sure. I'm kind of worried about everything, but then in a sense I'm not. I told Dani a little bit about the way I am and why I'm the way I am. I can only hope she doesn't tell anyone about that. I think she needed to know, because you just can't have someone crying and not telling them. She told me now that I have to go to classes just to prove dick wad wrong. I think I can do that. I know I can do that. I'm holliejo and that's how I got to where I'm going and how I'm going to where I'm going. What the fuck did I just say...don't know don't care.
It's 1230 time to start reading.

I like the word dur. Dur is fun. Dur is used whenever I feel that I have nothing else to say...or djiofeiocjkdjeosie which no one understands and I have to explain, making things harder. It's ever so nice. Lemme tell ya. Anyway, Chocolate Milk. Ha. Another inside joke. But, it's worse when the people find it funny when they're not around you and when they are the bring it up blah blah blah...it's fucking horrible. I have no idea why I hate this place so much, maybe because the hall is like my high school, with some academics and some partying and then some action. And everyone, I mean everyone, is going to know about everything. I mean everyone knows about my little "slut-ness" and what not...and they know about Matt. Dur. That's what I think about that. It's ever so nice, lemme tell ya. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut. I can't trust anyone. That's even better. I don't like being here, I rather be at home reading my fucking harry potter books for the 48523153458th time. Lemme tell ya, it's just fucking horrible. I have to got to learn to attend classes or at least think about attending classes as often as nesscessary. Fuck how do you spell that word. Fucking A. Anyway, so this blows really really blows. I don't know, I don't like college. I wanted Matt to take me home on Monday. I wanted to cry because I wanted to go home. Then he left me here. Fucker. Just left me. Now I'm fucking stuck and I can't get out. Fucking A. I hate it here. Please...it's just the change and not knowing who to trust. I don't even trust myself sometimes. I have to go to bed soon and sleep. Fucker. I hate guys.

Why is this so much like high school? Why do people have to be soo freaking mean about everything still and bring up shit that doesn't need to be talked about, everyone still talks about everything and I haven't learned to keep my damn mouth shut. Damn myself to hell. I hate this, but what can I do. Not really anything about it. Aww well, I'm sure I'll fit in even if I'm just some girl that entertains others on her free time after sucking some penis and what not attending work and skipping classes because she's fucking tired. That's my next four years. Which is the best.

Well, I'm home from work, how much fun is work, work is a blast. Yeah freaking right. Work sucks more than a something or other. Anyway, I got home from work and of course I had to check my email. I mean comeon everyone has to check their email. even with hat head. I hate hat head by the way. But, I don't mind head. I'm horrible. Anyway, so I'm here typing away. ugh...doing nothing. I think I'll go do some homework. How much fun.
bye

You're special enough for me to delete post related/about you. Wow, that's never happened before. holy shit. Feel special dick wad. OOOOO I was rebound wasn't I?? Was I?? Please tell me I was rebound. I know I was.

Anyway, I have nothing to blog about, but I'm here. Dur.

That is right, I don't want you to read this, and I really really really hope that you don't, because that would just be to good to be true. I don't hate you or anything like that. But, I feel that I was pumped full of so much bullshit that I might explode from it. I can't believe after all the fun we had this weekend, that after everything, even though it was a little fast, but it was okay besides that because it was good, that you decide to break it off. How much fun for me. I wanted to cry before I got to Platteville because I was homesick, but now I can't cry because I'm scared that I'll be crying because I was hurt and I can't let that happen to me, because I just can't that isn't the way I want to work. Anyway, I still want to come home, always will. But, I want home to be my mom's house where meatloaf and tator tot casserole is served by the truckload and condiments are always present, 'specially Ketchup. Anyway, so yeah, that's never gonna happen, and that just means that I have to learn to cope with everything on my own. Sad thing I wanted you to be here so I wouldn't be soo homesick. And I am happy for you and your little move-age down here, but I think that there is more to it than everything. You didn't need to have your hand on my leg while I was trying to study, you bastard, I can't believe this. I hate it soo much, I hate how you wanted me to support you and that's all you asked, well who's your support now?? I have one guess, I don't know how right I am, but I hope that I am right, because that would mean, well I was used. God, I never learn do I, the nice thing, I didn't snap on you, I didn't make you hurt. Which was prolly a good thing, because you could have hurt me more, so now I'm hoping that you are going to read this, because no one else does. And if you're anything like me, you're going to read this, because you want to know that you did something to me. Asshole. God, I'm morbid. I have no idea why I trusted you soo much, I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Why did I? I have no idea, was it the bullshit you fed me, which I have no idea how much was/is bullshit, but I'm assumming at the time it wasn't bullshit, but as you look back now, you'll realize that it was bullshit and that none of it made sense and why you felt this way was unknown to you. God, I hate you. I don't really hate you, but I'm making myself hate you, so I can feel better in the end. I'm not going to hurt a lot, because I'll have some kind of support system down here, even if it includes making myself hurt more to make it a little better. You're the icing on the cake, I was homesick and you just topped it off. You walked out of the hall...and you were the person that had my connected to home, but now you're gone and my phone card is out of minutes. You left me stranded in this world and I'm scared as hell. I had a little light at the end of the tunnel, and now it's gone. I'm scared and I want to go home, but I burnt my brigdes to home, and I'm no where. I'm lost without anything and I'm really scared. Thank you, maybe I'll grow up a little. I should hope so. I have no idea though. I don't want to be so scared, but I am. God, fucking a I hate this. I really really hate this.