here's the thing. I don't blog anymore and I think that is one of the many reasons I'm always feeling this way, it kinda sorta sucks, but I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Anyways, so last night was completely fucked up and I wish that we were both drunk enough to forget about it, because guess what, that's the only thing that's been on my mind the whole day, so that kinda sucks. Don't you think? I do believe so, this sucks. Anyways, so I don't know what the hell I am doing, because I'm really really confused. I can't go talk to him, that would be crazy, because I'm just not that genius. even though, I am the biggest bestest genius in the world. It's awesomeness. But, it still sucks. Anyways, so I have no idea what else is going on or anything. Hmm..that sucks. Maybe I should do a number thing, those always work wonders for me. Yes, yes they do.

1. I have done some stupid shit in my past, some really really really stupid shit, but nothing compared to what I did in the last two weeks. I drank and enjoyed myself, half the time. Which means one weekend I had a great time, and this weekend I had a really shitty time. Each of them, though, ended in the same way. I got hurt, this means that I shouldn't drink. Correct? Correct. Anyways, no I have no idea why the hell I seem to agree to things that I shouldn't agree to. Did I have to sleep with him? No. Did I have to get back together with him? No, but everyone knew it was going to happen. Did I have to sit on his lap? No. Did I have to have him take care of me? No, but I shouldn't have let it get that far. Did I have to start crying? No, but I couldn't contain myself and my emotions any longer. Did I have to drink? No, and that is the key thing. I have no idea why I do the things I do, I could be completely sober, although in this case I wasn't, but yeah. Anyways, when I am drunk, I have come to the conclusion that I do really really stupid shit. Shit that I shouldn't even have thought about doing, but do now. Anways, this is about me getting hurt when I drink. The fact is that I'm much more open when I am drunk and I shouldn't be. But, the thing about it too is that I have no idea what I was going to say. But, in both cases I was drunk as the person I was whatever-ing with and what, so I mean...I dunno...it's crazy.
2. Friends Don't Let Friends Get Really Drunk. Manda takes care of me. She makes sure that I'm fine and that I'm still fine. But, lately we didn't talk at all. We just kinda sat around and what not. She had a lot of things to do and what not, so I got freaked out, like really really really really freaked out, I didn't know what I was doing and what not, I thought that she was mad at me and didn't want to talk to me anymore so that I was kind of scary and what not. So, this is my best friend not talking to me, I was slighly freaked out when I did not hear from her in a really long time. I didn't know what to do, I was really scared and what not, because I mean she's my best friend and I really didn't want to lose her, because she's really awesome. So, when she wasn't contacting me in any way, shape or form I was terrified. So, I yelled and screamed at her, because I didn't feel like being nice at all. I just wanted to tell her that I hated her for not calling and not even saying hi or anything, I was just so angry. I didn't know what the hell to do. I was soo worried about everything, but I know now that everything is okay and what not and everything is going to be okay. Because I talked to her and told her how sorry I was and all of that. I didn't know what the hell I was thinking about the worse for, because I should have known better than to do that. you know? Like I'm not sure why I thought everything had to be so horrible, why couldn't I just be cool with everything? I don't know. I mean that. I just feel like I was really stupid and what not. I don't know.
3. I like to feel loved, even if it's a mistake in the end. I love the way people are holding you and everything. I don't mean just him, I mean like all guys, even if they are doing it just to make you feel better and they are never going to talk to you again, just so that for a split second you feel something more than the hate they have for you or the confusion that is in your head gets a little more clear, just a little. And then I don't know. it's all really confusing for me. I know that I rather be used and what not, than have a real relationship, because of the fact that I don't know what to do in a real relationship. I get so used and beat up over everythign that I have no idea what the hell I am doing about anything, so I just like to give up. I got a lost train of though. Damnit. It's fine though I guess. I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, I gave up. more on this later. Bye.

I want to text you and tell you I love you, but I have to look at my freaking thing quick or something. Sorry hon, I'm soo sorry. I feel horrible. Just completely horrible and you're right shit does happen, but nothing really happened, so you don't really have to worry about it. You know?

I have to go soon and get the money I need to survive, but I'm doing really well for myself now and what not so I'm good and really happy about all of that. And now I have to call Matt too, because I know for sure I think that he has break right now. Hmm...mabye I should go do those things and what not and then find out what I am doing this weekend or what we are doing together...hmm...this would be for the best and what not. I'm not sure though. hmm...very much confusing crap, because I said soo.
holliejo :)

yeah that's right, I'm taking a freaking history class again, an early us history class, but a history class none the less. I have to go to work in an hour and what not, but it's all I suppose, but everything is gonna be alright and what not, I suppose. I like to work and what not and I also like the fact that you are being a complete bitch and you don't like calling me or talking to me and what not, and all of that. It's really quite nice, because of everything :) horrah for me. :) thanks holliejo. Anyways, so on top of having great classes, and what not, I have a job, a boyfriend, a killer roommate and everything is finally going as planned. I never thought that I'd miss this place that much. But, I do, and what not, so it's all good and a fun time. God. I'm giving up soon, for really for truly. I bet that well...yeah, it's all over now. Gosh, what a fucking bitch.

Well. Everything soon or later falls apart. Do people really have long term relationships that last forever? Or are old people just to old to get a god damned divorce? Hmm...this is a thought that I will think about today.
holliejo :)

I have a lot to say, but I don't know how much I will get out, because I really have to pee. But, because I decided that I have a lot to write about, I guess I will write anyways. So, today me and Matt talked. Yes, we decided to talk, I know he likes me, a lot. I know he does. But, I'm just like: hmm...because I don't know. It's just really confusing, because I like him soo much, but then I'm like: hmm, because I dunno. I mean that. I'm just sitting here trying to get everything out and there's people talking and it's annoying the piss outta me, because I just want to write what's on my mind and not get distracted. That's all. That's really it.
Question: Do I really care that much? Why or Why Not?
Answer: Yes, I do care. I don't know know how much, but at least I care. The reason because I don't know how much I care is because of the fact that I was hurt before and I've changed, like hardcore. I want to believe that I haven't changed, but I have and that's really weird for me, because I don't like change. And then, I don't know, it's so hard for me to have trust in him like I used to. I don't want to put that instant trust, because I know that I may get hurt. I know that he promises me everything is gonna be okay, but do I really want to end up crying? Like for really? I don't think soo. And then with everything going on in my life, it's gonna take some gettting used to...you know the whole boyfriend, having someone dependent on me in a completely different way than just friends. It's so hard for me to explain everything, but it's there, because you just know that this person cares about you soo much and what not, and you care too, but you're scared, because you don't know if you can handle being committed, because you know that if you do, you know that finally you're in it for the long haul and that scares the living shit outta you. The living shit, because now the relationship isn't just going to last for a month or two or three, but will prolly be more like a year or two, like a relationship that long, commited to one person, how crazy is that? Do you know how much that scares me? And then seeing him everyday is completely awesome, but I don't want to have to take care of him forever, and that's what makes it so hard, because I'm soo used to doing everything by myself and not having to worry about guys, but it's just soo hard. I don't know, I like being with him deep down, but I just have to feel it again, and I know I do when I kiss him, and I know I do when he puts his arms around me. I know that I care, it's just taking some time to get used to and I only hope that he completely understands, that's all I'm asking for is time and understanding.
Question: What are you going to do about Amanda?
Answer: At this current time I have no answer about Amanda. I'm just going to wait until after Finals week and see if she'll answer my emails or something. Because you know that's all I want. You can't tell me that she doesn't do anything like that. She can't even write me a quick email she can't even call me to say hi and apololgize. I really don't think that the internet counts as that, but you might like to think soo. Gosh, that really pisses me off, because I want her to be in my life as my best friend for a really long time, but I don't think that's gonna happen for now on. I just feel that without a doubt we are drifting and what not, and there's nothing at home that's going to comfort me now, for me and Courtney we are on totally different areas in life, for she is almost four years younger than me! That's nuts, because I don't know what to do about that, because of all of this, everything is going down hill because of home, maybe I won't go back, maybe everything will just fade off into the distance and for once I won't be the one to blame about the fact that I let the relationships go, because I'm tiring, but you just won't try either. And it hurts. Thanks for almost being there.

She makes me think, about everything I do, everything that I question, everything in general. She's like one of those people that you need in your life, that way you actually know the difference betweeen right and wrong and the difference between good and bad. For example, it's right for me to have a boyfriend, but it's wrong for me to be with other people. I don't know. It's crazy. I don't know. It's really weird. I don't know, it's just a really really hard thing that bothers me, and what not. It's really weird. I'm not saying that I don't like him and what not, but it's like hmm...and I really doing what I'm doing? Or should I be doing something that isn't like this. I'm confused. Time out. Okay...I'm like: hmm...should I really be doing what I'm doing? I mean that. Like, I would have never thought that I would say that, but I sit here and really start to think about it, and I'm more like...I dunno..."interested" in his friend than him, like I don't know why, but I am. Like, I know deep down I'm not, but it just seems like it. Like I don't want to be like that, but I am. It sucks. It really does. Gosh, I'm soo confused. I'm just gonna back off, maybe he'll get the hint, but what about when I see him and his friends? Then what? That's not gonna be cool, it's gonna be crazy. What the hell did I get myself into? I just want to be like: hmm...maybe this isn't for the best, but I want to think it is, even though deep down I know it's not, fuckin A. I'm ever so confused. Shit shit shit. I just want to start over again. Just go back and think about everything like: hmmm...do I really really want to be with him? And if not, why is Stefan always right? Stupid boy.

So, I haven't blogged in a really really long time, and I haven't said anything that is all meaningful or anything either, so I mean I don't mean that I don't have anything to say or that, so I dunno...I don't say much about anything...hmm...wow I'm really bad at this blogging stuff, 'specially since the fact remains that umm...I dunno....gosh.

Orinigal: Ch'ya. And there ain't no if, ands, or buts, about it. So Deal!

*that one song* I got my boyfriend back! Woot Woot and lemme tell you something somethin...it is great!
Yes, it's awesomeness, I really don't have anything more to say on the subject, just that I do have my boyfriend back and it totally rocks as much as you don't think it does. He's going to school here with ME! yes ME! as in HOLLIEJO! ME! <---ME! horrah if I must say so myself. horrah for holliejo! <--Me!