I have no idea, let's talk about how all of this works. This is it. Mmk. So, I'm sitting here thinking about how I'm not doing anything wrong, but if you were to find out you would totally have to kick my ass. And I would laugh. Why would you dislike it soo much? I mean honestly. Anyways, if he told me to stop. I would stop. But, he doesn't know, so he can't. Right? Right. Hahahahaha. I'm soo horrible. It makes me laugh. Anways, he sent the cutest most wonderful email in the longest time. Would you stop playing video games for me? Would you stop playing The Sims for me? I don't know. Would I give up food to talk to you? I don't know. That's the question. For him, yes him, to want to stop playing Madden 2005 that's pretty impressive. Anyways, so he did that for me. That was pretty awesome. But, for really for truly now. At the end...aww he's such a doll. He's soo sweet it was great. Anyways, so I'm sitting here just watching the time go by, rather slowly if I must say soo myself. But, no for really now. Anyways, I don't know. He's like: I miss you more than words could ever describe. Yeah yeah yeah, it's prolly right out of a movie or something, but he's soo awesome (and I'm a sucker for that) and so he knew exactly what he was doing to tempt his way back into my heart, so I wouldn't be angry at him for not talking to me, becuase I wasn't. I understood that he was busy (playing video games...) but busy all the same. He's tons of fun and I love him to death, he's my bestest friend, besides Amanda, but I love him tons and tons. But, anyway, I don't know. I really don't.

I haven't talked about the Academic side of college lately...lemme tell ya
1) I'm not doing all that great, or at least by my standards. I can do it if I really really wanted to, but I don't have the ambition right now. I think, though, that I'm starting to get a hang of it and starting to realize that I'm going to get fucked over if I don't start paying more attention in class.
2) This week I skipped approx. 1 out of every 3 hours of class I had. I don't really give a flying fuck this week. It was a really good week and a really bad week. Good things and bad things. You know what I mean.
3) I actually passed my Geo. test. I mean so what if I'm not passing the whole course, I'm slowly getting to where I need to be. Fuck, I have to print off that quiz. And I really do have to study. But, anyways, see...I'm starting to care. A lot. But, anyways, so I'm sitting here just thinking about all of that, and I realize that I'm slowly moving back up to my standards. I mean it.
4) I wish that people wouldn't worry about me soo much. I mean that. I mean why do you have to worry so much about me. Everyone. Not just people here, but everywhere, there is no point in worrying about me so much. I mean. It's just not worth it to you. Worry about yourselves more than me. Don't tell me to study when you don't do enough of it yourself. I mean that. I'll fuck up my life myself and I don't need anyone to tell me that I shouldn't be doing it. I think that I learned enough lessons and what not myself to be able to make the right or wrong decision.

Now, after I thought that we were slowly moving towards something that actually meant something, you fucked it up. Wasn't me this time. Nope, not this time and you fucked it soo far up that you can't fix it. You can't make it better. Is it that hard that you can't call a simple seven digits?? I mean come on. I do it on a daily basis. I call Gram everyday! Every freaking day. You know this. You know. And you know that it is a local call, the only one that has to deal with the minutes is me. And you know I talk a lot, but it's free because me and Manda got m2m. So what now? Nothing! You need to call me and tell me, because I'm going to be so pissed. Are you still gonna sign the freaking xmas card with the "Ginger?" You better not, or I'm totally going to flip. You're a freaking fucking bitch. Why did this have to go down like this? Honestly? Why can't I go back and fix what I wanted to fix? Why can't I make it all better? I hate this. I really do. Why? You fucked up as much as I did by not fucking calling. You should have fucking called. A fucking simple call. Bitch. Mother fucking bitch. You are a horrible mother. Horrible. I always thought more of you than this. Why didn't you call? What the fuck? Honestly. You're a mother fucking whore. Bitch. Slut. Cunt. Horrible no good mother that never did a damn thing for me. Where did you get off listening to Evan? Did he tell you no? Or was it just some random thing, let's not tell my ONLY! fucking daughter about the dog she has had since she was 5 years old. What the fuck? Honestly. Just becuase I'm gone doesn't mean I don't know. Do you ever go into my old room and just look around. You have to feel me somehow. You let her go a long time ago, and you lost her. Was that your reason for not tell me? Because you know as well as I do, that I'm not coming back? That had to be it. I mean I love you more than anything in the world, but you're a no good slut. I hate you for everything you ever did to me. Why did you do all of that? Why did you have to hide it all for me. Or are you just waiting for a good time to tell me? I know that it has to be hard for you too, but come on. You better call me within the week. I mean it. I give in too easy, because you know that I love you deep down. Way deep down, it's Evan that doesn't let you through though. The one person that keeps me from loving you, because of all the horrible shit he put me through.

It's so easy to make you hurt, you have no idea, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know if you read this or if you realize that you do what you shouldn't. But, what are you gonna do? I dunno...anyway, I can't be a bitch. Because I'm getting married. Yes, I'm finally getting married. I'm like the happiest girl in the world because of all of that. I mean there's nothing I want more than to marry him. He's my best friend and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm ready to do that. I mean I'm not going to be with him for at least three years, but after that everything is going to be okay. I mean it. I mean I don't know why I'm so cotent with the fact that I'm really considering the fact that I could be with him for the rest of my life. Do you believe in destiny? I mean, I do. And it is so nice. Because it feels like it. I mean how many people can discuss with their best friend how you're gonna spend the rest of your life with them and not feel like this is any way wrong? At all. Nothing. There's not regrets saying any of it, there's no second thoughts after he tells you good night and leaves you. There's none of that, but instead there's the thought about what it's going to be like waking up with him every day of your life. Having little Sven Tylor, Haven Willow, and Lanndon Daniel running in and telling you to get up. That's something that is more crazy than you could ever imgaine when you're 18 years old and he's 3000 miles away, but then, nothing ever felt this right. I don't know why I'm soo happy, but I suppose it's because I'm getting married to my best friend in the whole world and I'm ready for all of that, as scary as it may seem. Also, because of the fact that he's not here and won't be until I've established myself as someone that can do it myself. We're going to get married and that's all there is to it. It's a pretty nice feeling if you ask me.