I'm looking for something to do...I now have the "yeah" lyrics so I can rock that out for myself...yeah...most people wouldn't believe that I like to be a little on the DL about things...such as getting a perfect score on our science fair thing...I'm looking for a new layout...just to have on the back burner...of course

Yeah...you prolly all heard this story...but yeah...it is just one of those things...you know...I dunno...I'm just really thinking about everything...because...well yeah...oh and then I dunno....I was just really thinking about everything else too...no not really I wasn't thinking about anything...I never really thinking...you all know this...hey I just want you all to know that everything is almost working out really well...becasue everything is going good. I mean come on...I think he likes me...but yeah...I rightly don't know...well I'm sure you'll know why...but something is telling me: he either avoided the whole thing...and now is pretending it never happened...or he likes me back...and the thing is going to work out! woot...or maybe...I'm just on crack and this whole dilly oh is nothing...and I'm in the Matix doing really messed up things...but yeah...oh well...I'm just out here in my own little world. No...for really...though I'm just really thinking...do you ever have that where you just have to tell someone soemthing...but you can't because you don't know who they will react in anyway...I really mean that. I dunno...I'm just really thinking...there is this one person in this library that I don't like and stuff...and he drives me nuts...I dunno...I'm looking up crap on the internet...I really don't like any of it. I'm just sitting here doing nothing...I really thought that I would have more to post about.

Well...it seems that my blog causes more problems for me than need be...for really. I mean right now I should be working on back assignment, doing something for Geo, re-writing the proofs that I just learned [but don't understand at all], and what not. Plus on top of that I got a 201/400 on my test...you don't have to do the math...I'll tell you what that is: a freaking 52%. yeah...I know that I should be all pissed off and stuff...but I know it is my fault for not doing anything about it in the longest time...so in a way I'm over the fact that I'm failing a class that is going to get me in to college...hell right now I really don't want to go anyway...I really don't. I mean come on...I really don't want to go...because I'm going to have all kinds of freaking problems...oh geez...yeah my mood swings are kicking in and it is driving me nuts...I mean I just dunno. I really don't. Some crazy lady [Social Service Lady] came over last night to investigate the premises...oh freaking well...I mean did she not see that I sleep on a freaking couch?? I mean come on lady...you walk into the freaking house and you see my bed? How fricked up is that?? I mean come on? I dunno though...I really don't...I mean yeah...I guess I'm doing a lot better off...but I can't help but think that I could be somewhere else...where I have a bed and a room...and ALL my clothes and my CDs and a CLOSET...I mean come on?? I just can't imagine all of this going down like this...I have to call my Grandpa tonight because he has to take me to Platteville this weekend for my craptacular Placement Testing...which I hope to score all remidial classes so I can be the smartest stupid kid around...but for really. I was thinking about this last night and if I really did try I would be tons better off...I mean instead I just decide to do nothing and pretend that everything will be all right...because in my little world....everything is always all right...nothing every goes wrong...in my world...everything would be great...but I'm not in my world...I'm in the world of fuckedup-ness...and let me tell you it blows...everything about this world blows and it sucks...and I hate living in this world...I mean yeah...I live in America...but I'm still 17 and I haven't got to exericise my right of diddly...so yeah...it sucks here...I mean I'm glad I don't live in a place like Iraq or anything...but this place sucks...I mean we are all so closed minded and there is nothing here that is so great for us...I mean I wish for a second I could see what I would be like back at Riverdale...yeah I know that I would be a high school drop out and that I'd have a kid and what not...and maybe that would be just the thing for me...but you never really know...and I would really want to know...on to more horrible subjects: such as...you know...well yeah...there are all kinds of nice things I could say...but I'm not...besides the fact that my mouth got me all messed up and now there is nothing that I can do to stop the fact...that nothing will come of this...which is almost fine with me...I mean come on...but yeah...tossing him to the wayside...next...oh...and Stefan...yeah don't want to see him at all...well I just don't...that is of course unless he has chocolate...and that is the only time that I will have anything to do with him...for really...because...well you know...there is nothing I like more than having some kind of food to eat...but yes...maybe I should go and attempt something called Homework...instead of doing nothing and playing in my online world of crap...because let's face it...this really isn't anything...and it is just a time consumer...that really doesn't help at all...which really blows...and what not...I mean I just can't help but think about everything and what not....and my life sucks...I mean I rather have a little online thingy than anything else...I mean I can't even write what I feel on a freaking piece of paper...no I have to wait to type it all up and then publish it all over the freaking internet...yeah...that's cool...and then on top of that...while I'm school I have this need for attention and what not...a craving to get something I need...well...I mean that is just horrible. I hope no one reads this...and if you do...oh well...but I must say that I should prolly be going to do something...even if it is just reading a magazine...my last comment...I love my feet and I hate wearing Shoes.

So sick of everything...you know...like I can't bloody deal with it...I'd rather have something else...because well you know...I would rather have a new living space too. Well becaue everything is so messed up right now...and I just cna't deal with everything...you know?? Like I can't deal with my Gram and what not...because she just drives me nuts...and that is crazy. And she is just: rah...and my aunt [which ALSO lives with me] is just as bad. I mean I get so sick of everything and what not...and I can't bloody deal with that in itself...which it just drives me nuts...I'm stuck going to a grungy library everyday after school to do nothing accept just sit and do nothing...which blows just as bad...and I dislike that. But, yeah...I just dislike here and I'm getting throughly sick of it...I mean I understand that I'm better off and stuff...but like...I just can't deal with it...I get so sick of everything that they do because it just drives me nuts...and yeah...and on top of that...they just...oh my Aunt is so fricked up in the head...it isn't even funny...and I get no time by myself and they freak out over the smallest things and they just freak out and it just makes me so pissed off....and I RAH. You know?? Like they don't understand...they don't get the whole "emotion" thing...they don't understand my mood swings...I mean they just don't. I mean you try and sleeping on a couch for a month and a half...having all of your stuff being able to be packed into a freaking duffel bag...knowing that your Grandma going to flip out because there is hair on the floor and you got the towel soaked from taking a bath with to much water...not being able to just sit back and relax...and having a headache from having your aunt rewind and fast forward episodes of "The Newlyweds" because she has no life...plus I mean on top of that...they think that my life is nothing more than just a bunch of crap which blows...I mean for really. I mean when I was telling the story of how I told wow boy I liked him: afterwards my aunt was like: and what'd he say: I don't care??" I mean come on...then I have to put up with the whole idea of them dislike blacks and gays...so when gram sees to black guys getting married...she reaks out. Which in my case should be perfectly legal...I mean oh I just can't bloody deal with it...they just piss me off...I mean I know some of my habits get on their nerves...but please I'm seventeen...oh and then my aunt has some problem living through me...or tries to get info out of me when I'm talking to Courtney or Ashley...what'd they eat?? what'd they do this weekend? did you talk to them at school?? What's it matter that I talked to them during schoool?? And what is it to you that I talk to them?? I mean really?? I just don't understand that...oh an dnow we are going to talk about Nic and what is going on with him. He was being his "normal" self [quiet, shy...umm...nothing out of the ordinary] but me...yes me...I must say I totally messed everything up. I mean I just got all flustered and I didn't want to talk to him...I shoulda stayed home...but yeah...and then he tried to say soemthing to me eighth [spelling] and I was like: don't talk to me...I'm pissed. He prolly took it quite literally...I'm so screwed. I feel so bad about everything because I didn't need him all pissed off at me...I mean honestly he is great and all and I want something to happen but like eerything is just so bad...and I'm getting so sick of it...you know?? Like I just can't believe that I messed everything up...you know?? Like I'm getting so sick of everything and what not...I mean for really. I think it could be PMS and the fact that I haven't...I dunno...but yeah...I'm just so sick of everything and anything that has to do with anybody...and I mean for really...okay...but yeah...I'm just really thinking about everything, too. I mean oh...[ the thing right now is about a guy from the library:this guy just drives me nuts...he is here more than me...and he smells horrible...and it pisses me off...] now we are back to Nic.but for really... I just dunno what to do...I really don't...I mean I just can't believe this...he asked me how I did on my Geo. test which is nice enough...even though he knew I failed...which maybe he had some kind of hope that I didn't fail...which would be hella cool to think about...but yeah...it prolly isn't true...which totally pisses me off...today though...Vicki was so cute...I was like: yeah...I barely talked to him today...and I told her what we talked about [there was nothing] and she was like: You are progressing very fast now are you?? Get it while the iron's hot. And I was like: okay...so I can't bloody read him anymore...because he sends me no messages...umm...I'm really shy...and he is really shy too...what is there to do?? HUH??? I dunno...I'm just totally freaked out about everything...and what not...but yeah...I have prolly tne minutes before I have to go...but yeah...I dunno. I have to take my Placement exams this weekend and that's going to suck majorly...because well yeah...and if my "friend" doesn't hurry up I'm not going on my mini-vacation no matter what...because there is no way in hell that I'll go on a vacation with it...not matter what you say about Tampons and shit...oh freaking well...I'm so hella pissed...I really am...I just can't believe everything in this world is like this right now...I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore...for really...I just don't want to...I just want to have to do nothing becasue I just can't do it anymore...like for really...like I just want to do nothing because that is the way that I work I mean for really. I just dunno...I mean Rah...but yeah...I'm out.

I wish I could just tell you how I feel with out getting all flustered and freaked...and I wish I could tell you how good you smell everyday of the week...even if I can't smell because I know that you do smell good...and I wish that I could just be at peace with everything...and be some what happy and pleased with myself for moment...becuase then I would be happy with the fact that I could just be happy...but yeah...I think I'm out.

Just thinking...imagine that...I really am thinking...about School and what not...I don't mean like highschool or anything...I mean I'm talking full on college...2805.36 that's how much money I'm going to need in the next three months...I mean I'm sure that I'll be able to get it and all...but HOLY JUNK...oh well...I'm sure everything will be all right one day...I really think so...but oh well...ok so I'm just really thinking about everything...but yeah...okay...so I'm just like hmm....I dunno. But, yeah...I'm just thinking...about everything...but yeah...okay....so...yeah...but okay...so you'll all really want to know: I told him...yeah you'll know that...but now he really doesn't talk to me...which totally freaks me out...I don't need that...he asked me if I passed my Geo. test...but I mean that really doesn't mean anything...umm...during art he didn't even look at me once...or maybe I'm the one totally freaking out...I dunno...but I tell you what...my whole sensing thing: i don't have it. I don't think he likes/liked me ever. So, yeah...that really sucked...but oh well...at least I have that off my chest....okay...so now I have this serious problem...the more I think about it...the more I freak the freak out...okay...because Stefan is coming back NEXT FREAKING WEEKEND and that is really scary because I don't rightly want to see him...I really don't. I don't...he just I dunno. I just thought that maybe just maybe everything will be fine...but now that I think about it...nothing is going to be okay..nothing at all...which is almost fine with me...I'm just a failure at the whole male thing...I just am...there is nothing in life that I'm good at...well maybe history...which I totally rock at...which is the only thing that I seriously think about...but yeah...now waht? There is nothing in my life right now that is going on...I mean I dunno.

Things Hollie has decided to hate Today:
1) her mouth...because it seems that whatever happens my mouth ALWAYS gets me into trouble
2) Mr. Donahoe...well yeah...he just makes me want to SCREAM
3) People that decided to go to State Basketball and NOT FINISH THERE TEST BEFORE THEY LEFT...OR AT LEAST IN THE MORNING...I WOULD LIKE TO BE PISSED OFF ON MONDAY RATHER THAN TUESDAY
4) Umm...PMS...yeah you got it
5) Food...food pissed me off because I don't have any
6) He does...he just does...and related to number 1 too
7) The fact that I should be happy....and I'm not because yeah...I'm just hella pissed
8) The fact that you are coming to the states NEXT FREAKING WEEKEND...and I'm not ready for you to come back
9) I just dunno anymore....I just really don't. I'm so hella pissed at the world. I dunno...I just get so sick of freaking out over everything...and I really wish I wouldn't...you know?? I just dunno....but yeah...I dunno...

Okay...so this weekend I went to Madison...and I saw the best prom dress ever...and it was so prutty and what not...and then I thought about what I would look like in it...and I was like: damn...I'm not going...I'm throughly depressed. Becuase...I would just love to go all by myself...and just go to do nothing...but look prutty...and maybe ride around in the short bus...and rock my kick ass bling shoes...but yeah...I dunno...I really don't. I just dunno....You know what?? I'm really super tired all of a sudden...I'm so pissed off...oh and I have like 14654878135468813213514657 back assignments in Geometry...oh don't even get me started...OH I HATE THAT CLASS MORE THAN I HATE....I DON'T EVEN KNOW. But, yeah...I'm out to go see what is for lunch...okay...I'm out.