Singing in the dark, feeling the music going through me, the life slowly fading though because sleep is setting in. I haven't smoked in about 3 days...which means I have officially quit. Aren't you proud? Thought so. Anyways...here's the thing...I don't know why you've been hurting me latley, but I feel so hurt, so much pain, and I'm not sure why. It's starting to piss me off though, because I don't know how to express myself with everything around you. I'm just really confused and it hurts me as much as you can't see it. I'm trying really hard not to do anything about it, but it doesn't seem to be working. The summer is over when I go home. Everything is going back to the way that it's supposed to be and I'm not sure that I'm ready for all of that. I'm not sure I'm ready for a lot of things that are coming my way, and sadly, I'm trying to avoid them, but I'm going to face them even if it's one of the hardest things I have to do.

and you know what's fucked up, is that I don't get it either, so here I am, not understanding anything at all, and no one can make sense of it, and then I get all this fucking shit about everything that I have to think about, and I get more confused than anything in the world, and everyone I know has never gone through anything that I've gone through, so they don't know what the fuck to say, and the people that do are just like to busy to help each other because we're all trying to figure out how to help ourselves...you know it's a never ending fucking cycle and I don't know what to do about it. Now, I'm stuck here, with no where to go and I know that something bad's going to happen, and I'm fucking stuck, and you know what...I'm not ready to do what I have to. I'm not ready for anything...
That's how I feel. How this life has made me. I'm not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do with everything I know, because I don't know what to do with myself. The worst part of it is that everything that is happening I shouldn't have to worry about, other than well the thought of it, my mind shouldn't have to wonder there everyday and begin to wonder if everything is okay. I don't have the ablity to take care of everything. I don't have the ablity to be there for her. I'm not ready to be a part time mom. I can't handle the whole emotional scale of her. I can't take care of someone that is going to end up just like me. On top of that, it scares the living shit out of me that everything is going on like this, because that's one of the last things that I need. I'm really not in the mood for all of this to happen. But, I think I might have some things figured out. I mean it scares that me that she's planning things, but she is at that age. I'm not sure though if I'm really ready to let go, because right now I'm finally getting a handle on things. I don't know what goes through her brain and I don't know what's going through anything. I'm just really confused. It's super hard. I don't know what the hell is going on.

This is like my journal now, a constant window open to my thoughts. It's quite nice, because I can just open it and write whatever my crosses my mind and I know that no one can see it and that's what I really need. I just need to work on getting my thoughts out without having constant input and views from others. I'm not sure why this has taken so long for me to figure out, but I'm quite glad that somehow some way I finally have. I'm not quite sure though what I write about it exaclty something worthy, but because I haven't wrote in so long, anything and everything is acceptable and I'm very pleased that I'm finally writing again. It's taken awhile, it's onlly been about a week and a half, but that is a long time for me, especially under the present circumstances. It's quite sad. I'm thinking that Derek has more to do with my not writing and then me starting to write again. He puts so much emotion into what ever he is doing. He's so nice, pure and everything that I wish I had, or at least could be a little more like. He is a perfect person in my eyes, and he is very happy, and I'm so glad that he even considers me worth cuddling and spending time with. It's not cool that he has to take care of me, and I know that he's trying to get me to work on all of that, but sadly it's a lot harder than I thought it could ever be. I'm not sure why I am so dependent on him. It seems like I just need him to be there, he's someone that for some reason he can understand where I'm coming from. But, sadly he doesn't. He's never been through a lot of stuff, well I know he has had to go through something that was very hard, and he's more understanding than I ever thought he could. But, it's all coming down to this: I have to deal with things on my own, and not try to make people understand. It's just not really worth it.
I'm worried about Shawnna. My life is now twisting and turning more so than I thought it ever could. I'm not sure why. I always thought that after I turned 18 that everything would change. That somehow this would make everything normal. That I would finally get a chance to make myself and not focus so much on everyone and everything else. But, it seems that even though I've been having tons of time to work on myself, that my family needs me too. I don't want to be selfish or anything, and I want to be there for everyone, but sadly I find that having my whole entire family being dependent on one another and being lost all at the same time is not the most convienent happening for myself. I cannot sit on the phone for endless hours, or so it seems, trying to help people that are just like me. I can't help my aunt...she needs to make decisions on her own. I am young, stupid, and sadly as much as I think that my methods, thoughts, and ideas are right...they are just that, and they do not have the "aging" idea that most elders have. It's sad, because I know what she is doing, and know what she is going through. I was lost, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I don't have kids. But, even so, I know where the responiblitly lays, and that is with her children. She needs to learn that the only thing in the world that she should care about more than anything is her children. I completely understand that she needs her time, but she can't have all the time she wants. She has to tend to her children until they are old enough to take care of themselves, and sadly I'm not sure if they're ever going to be old enough to take care of themselves. It's quite sad. I'm so confused. I'm so lost with all of this. I'm not sure where to go or what to do.
I'm scared to go home. I don't want to go home and face everything. I'm not ready to take care of some people that love me, but weren't there for me. It's that so sad? Is that something that I shouldn't want to do? Should I really have to go and take a detour on how I want to feel just to make sure that the rest of my family can catch up with me and we can all go down the path of finding ourselves together? I don't want that. I want to take this path by myself. In fact, I think that's the way it's supposed to be. No one's supposed to help you along. You're supposed to go by yourself. You're supposed to be yourself and just make sure you understand everything about yourself by yourself. Fuck, even though I'm still trying to get to that path and everything, there's still that trail that I have to get to first, and I rather do that alone than take a bunch of people with me. I rather not deal with other people. And yes, that's sad, because I make so many people deal with my shit. You know that's really not all that nice and all that great, but I do it anyways. I make people listen to me, tend to me, and make me feel better. And now that people are asking for the same thing from me; I'm not so keen on the idea. Yes, it's very selfish of me, but I'm looking out for number one. I'm a selfish bitch. I work on getting the things that I need and then after I have them refuse to help others. Well, I guess that's not entirely true, I've been told that I'm a good friend, and I'm not quite sure that's the best thing to say about myself. Always the one that needs something, not the one to give. And, that's sad. Extremly sad. But, that's the way life works. It really is. I'm not sure why it all works this way, but it does...and that's the sad thing.

You're my key. You're the one that's there right now. The one that is holding me together. I'm not quite sure how you acquirred this skill. I'm not even sure that I like it. But, what I know for sure is that you do it ever so well. You're amazing. But, it's time to say good bye. And you know why? Because the summer's over and someone else will come along and sweep me off my feet and become my bestest guy mate for the year, and then the process will start over again. It's like this never ending cycle of people that take care of me. I'm sorry that your trial with me had to be so short, but it's the way life rolls. You've only seen me at my lows though. That's the sad thing. You've never seen me at my high, my peak that I reach every so often now that I've been growing up...and that's sad, because you've never seen my truly happy, only extremly down and extremly low. It's sad, but that's the way life is. You've taught me some things, and I'll probably never forget you, but most likely will, because as I said before...you were only here a few short months...and what's a few months when I've still got a lifetime?

When everything in my eyes is beginning to look normal, that is when my family begins looking more strange by the second. There is nothing I want more right now than to go home and be with my family. There's nothing I want more than to hold Shawnna and be with her. Make sure nothing happens to her and makes sure she can understand everything that she is going through. I was like her when I was her age. I felt the same way that she did, and that has to be so hard. I never knew how much I meant to her, how much I help her. I wish that I would have had someone like that when I was her age. Someone that I could count on, someone there for me, but sadly I didn't, but I made it through everything that happened. So, now, I'm sitting here thinking about everything...and I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do with her, I'm not sure though, because...well I'm just not.