As I sit around and wonder what is going through a lot of people's heads, it just one of those things that I happen to do a lot. Sit and wonder what the other person has to say about me. I don't know how much she hates me or even if she does...I dunno...it seems like it. I think I made her go to class today which is fine with me, because I didn't even realize that she didn't want me to be there, until after I decided that I wasn't going to my class...so I don't know. It' just really hard for me to understand why she doesn't like me that much...I dunno.

I wonder if you read this. I mean the chancese of it are high considering you can click on someone's and then find this...how freaking scary is that? Seriously. I don't want anyone to read this, but yet I could easily find it somehow if I was determined and shit. Which probably isn't that great. I don't know. I mean I wouldn't mind you reading this, but still it kind of freaks me out when you think about it, because I don't want everyone reading all of my secrets. Why do you think that I have this? To make sure everyone knows what I'm going through? No, this is for my enjoyment and to bring peace to myself, because I don't want everyone to know what is going through my head all the time. That's just scary. But, if you read this or someone else reads this, then they always know what I'm thinking about or doing. And that freaks me out, I know that I shouldn't be freaked out, because I signed up for this a long time ago realizing everything that could happen to this blog. I could get stalkers, I could get friends, I could get a lot outta this blog, because well you know...you can. I mean I wouldn't mind the fact that you read this, but then if you do, it's like...wow now you know everything that is always running through my head. And how many people want that in life? Seriously? I don't want that. Ever.

About you...and you and you and you...I could be writing about anyone and everyone if I wanted to right now, but I'm basing this on two people. A girl and a guy. These people, one means more than the other to me, but I care just as much for their well being. I don't know what's gotten into and why everything has to be different with you guys...I wish that it wasn't and everything would be okay, I can understand why you two are totally different people and I know that you respect each other. Together you guys are a super cool, but seperated it's hard for me to piece together the feelings I have when I go into the room. I want to yell and scream and then hug and tell you all to get along. I know it's not my part to tell you all of these things, because we're all adults, but still. You in general. I would have thought...well I shouldn't have assumed everything would have been okay. I mean that. It's difficult with you. I want you to have trust in me, butI know for one I will know nothing about you. Ever. And I realize that and something tells me that I want to know more about you, just so I can have more of an understanding about you as a person. It's fair that you asked me questions and I know enough that I trust you. I dunno...I just wish I knew what the fuck was going on. Maybe. I dunno...I don't know what I want from you or if I want anything at all. Maybe I'll like you better the way you are right now. No that's a lie. I love the attention I get from you, being nothing or just a smile wave. That's something. And you can't shut yourself out from the world. It doesn't work that way, seriously. I mean I've tried and I've only got so far. I understand that you only talk to certain people at times like this and it's completely understandable and I respect you completely in times like this, I mean that. I just wish you wouldn't have pulled away like you did. It was like the thouch of my hands burned you and you had to get away as quickly as possible. Hon, I didn't do anything to you. And I won't do anything to you, just know that. I usually don't express my trust like I do, wait I take that back, I most likely do, but I just like to believe that I don't. I don't know what to tell you, but that I want to try to be there for you, always, if you ever need a hug or someone to talk to just to vent, I'm here, I don't care if you take that into consideration or not, because I know you won't and that's fine. And I'm not gonna give you a bullshit line about me wanting to help you, because I don't know how to help you. I don't. The only thing that helps me is to have someone there that will listen and comfort you...and that's all that I want to do for you, because I figure that's the best that I can do. And I know that you'd do the same thing for me and that makes it all better for me. Anyways, on to the next person, because I was interrupted. I love to talk and stuff, but I love to sit here and type instead. I'm so glad that I got a chance to talk to you today, and I hope your game goes great. It's the first time in a long time that I've heard you say that you wish basketball would go on forever...or something cloes to that. It makes me happy to know that you're doing better or you're at least learning to pretend to do better, which is just as good for me, becaue I always pretend and it's fun. Trust me, you'll do great, because you already do. Anyways, about everything. I'm glad you read this blog, because you'll know that I'm talking about you and you'll know that I'm here for you always and forever. Seriously. You're like my best friend and I could never just decide to turn my back on you, that wouldn't be cool at all. I love being there for you and I love making sure that you're okay. Seriously. I'm glad that you know that I'm here for you, because if you didn't think I was there for you I would feel like I was betrayed or something...you know? It's like...if you ever need anyone, know that I'm here, you can call me whenever you need too, even in the middle of the night, just to hear my ringtones...no that's not it, you mean a lot to me and I know what you're going through or what could be going on with you...so it's fine...I mean that. I just wnat you to know that I love you to death and I'm always here, I'm repeating myself a lot, because I have nothing more to say about anything, which is bad, considering the fact that I wrote so much more about the other person, and I told you that you mean so much more to me. I don't know why that would affect me as much as it does, but just don't take it in the wrong way, because well...you know. Good Luck Tonight! Go Girls! :D woot

Manda...wow, we've been friends for what...about a year now...a little less or a little more, I don't know, but it's also been a year since I lived with my parents. Did I think that I would get this far? No, not really. Did I even think I was going to graduate this week last year? I didn't even think that I would make it through everything. It was difficult for me to tell you what I was thinking about a year ago. I know that I'm fine now and everything has changed totally. I've become something that I never thought I could be, seriously. I just reassure everything that ever happened that week are all positive. I mean I didn't lose my mom forever, but I did lose her. I lost my dad a long time before all of this went down, so there isn't really that big of deal about everything, I mean that. My brothers have been gone, but they do love me. They do miss me they do think about me and they do love me, and I try to do everything for them that I couldn't do before, which sucks, because I know that they can't see everything that I try. And I know that for me to say that is a little unbelieveable, because of the fact that I'm never around and I never call and I never write. And I suppose it's not for the best, but I try. I really do, and that's something in itself because I know that I never tried before and now that I am trying I know that can almost make a world of difference. I made it this far and I'm really glad that I did, because if I didn't make it this far I don't think...well I don't think that I would be here right now, with everything. I know that I hate being at my Grandma's and I wish there was somewhere else to go to spend the weekend. Really I do. Maybe when I go home I could spend the weekend with my Aunt Nancy or something. I don't know...it would be okay. I wouldn't get my clothes washed, but I'd get real food and I'd get to spend the night with my cousins and even though I wouldn't get to spend time with Manda at least it would be something and it would be great. Maybe even Matt would be up for something, if not being a loser and spending freaking time in Platteville every weekend getting drunk, that's just stupid and that's what I find myself doing now, but I guess it's okay. Anyways, yeah everything that has been going on now is so much better than whatever went on a long time ago. Everything has changed and changed for the better if I have anything to say about it. I mean that. I mean so many people can say that I did the right thing, and then so many people can question my love for everything, but I know what I did was something that had to be done and I did it with little regret, because there are things that I wish I could change all the time, but I can't, because you can't turn back time. Sometimes I wish I could, but other times I know better than to think about all of that, because if I turned by the clock, I doubt I'd be here, but I'd still have my mom. And then if I turned back the clock far enough I still wouldn't have that first kiss or the first boyfriend or the first anything, so that I wouldn't turn it back that far, and so for that I'm happy I didn't...but I dunno there are things that I wish I could change, but then there are things that I would never change and I'm glad I'm the way I am, it gives me such an understanding to everything.

You want her, but you're willing to fool around with me. You make no sense at all. She's not that great, you said it yourself, why do you like her so much? Seriously. She's the best isn't she? I dunno...I shouldn't be to worried about it, because guess what. I'm just one of those girls. I wish I could have gotten ahold of you just once tonight, that would have been hot. You're toally different under certain conditions...it's soo hard. I dunno how much you could hate me, I dunno...you make no sense, or maybe I'm just addicted when I shouldn't be. It makes no sense to me, it really doesn't. I hate it too, because you just want everything to make sense and yet you can't make sense of it and it sucks, because you just...I dunno...it just hurts, because...well it would...you know? but, whatever you think...I dunno...just know give me like a week and I'll be totally up for everything. Trust me. :) good times..maybe McKenzie will go home soon, that'd be sweet. I'm soo horrible, because I'm seriously not gonna pass up anything with you, seriously. I dunno...I'm soo jfdaofjea right now, because I want you and I shouldn't want you, but I do. You're sooo Greg. And it makes me confused...really really confused...and I don't want to be confused...at all...I either just want to be able to fool around...which is what I'm totall gonna get from him, or I want to be with him, which like hell that's gonna happen. But, it would be nice. Anyways...I dunno...it's like...grr...you know? I dunno...I'm out...

You sitting there looking all hot and cute and everything, I want you, because that's what I like to think about. I should have let you come down, I should have got in your pants, I should have taken over. I should have, but I didn't. I see you today, and I just think...I want you. And I can't have you, because of everything, you can't do things like...I know I shouldn't...but I want to. Damn myself to hell.
I want you...right here. right now...we can kick them out of the room, get her upstairs...do something...we can. I promise.