Okay...so I'm just so freaked out. You know?? I mean how many times have I felt so freaked out?? I mean honeslty?? I just dunno. I mean I really like the guy and whatever...but still like I just dunno...I'm totally freaked out...because well I really am...I mean I thought about this...and I mean I doubt he ever would...but he could hurt me. Cause like he has the power...because he knows that I like him and what not. Becuase that scares me...that really does...wouldn't that freak you out?? I mean I told him I wanted our friendship to be "there" but still...I mean I really mean it. But...yeah...I'm really worried...And I shouldn't...because I'm just really happy that everything is off my chest...you know...like everything is just here...and there and everywhere. I just have to step it up on geometry...and Advanced bio...and what not...because yeah...I do. I really do...I'm so happy. (8)When it all falls down...who am I going to call??(8) No one...but yeah...I'm just really freaked out now...I dunno why...but wouldn't you be worried about everyhthing...I hope...I just want something...I mean I haven't wanted something like this in forever...but now there's nothing I want more...really...I mean...I've never been so shy...and that means something...think about it. I mean when I was in any other relationship...there wasn't anything like this...I mean there isn't a relationship like this...I mean...you're going to have to get over this...cuz I'm going to be talking about this for a while. But yeah...I've never felt like this before...I just would go for anything...really anything. I dunno...I'm just thinking about everything...I mean I know I shouldn't be all worried...just a little bit though. Becuase well...okay maybe not...maybe not at all...but I am...

New Subject
Okay...so it isn't straying from the subject just slightly. Okay?? Well...I'm really shy about everything...there isn't anything that I'm not scared of. I mean there is just me...and then everyone else. I was in fog this morning with my gram...and I was in the car...and I was aware of everything around me...but yet...I couldn't see any of it. I really couldn't. And that is how I feel. I just feel that I'm here...and everyhthing is around me...but everything else is gone. yeah...that is how I feel. I just feel out of it...I dunno why...I mean I know that everything will end up working out...I know it will...but there is something in me that thinks otherwise everyday...but yeah...I'm just really happy about everything and what not...but yea...I totally forget what I was going to talk about...I really do...but yeah...I just think about everything and what not...and it scares me to death...I mean...how many people can sit there and think about everything...and what not.

Yeah...I finally told him...can you bloody believe it?? I went to get my books and what not...and then I was like: darn I don't get to tell him today...I'll tell him monday...then my BROTHER Tylor was like: Hey Nic...Nic...Come here...You can have my soda! And I was like: Tylor...and I could feel my face get all hot and shit...and then I was like: oh god Oh god oh god. Then...we [tylor, nic and me] started walking...and Tylor was like: My sister has something to tell you...and I was like: NO NO NO I DON'T and Nic just looked at me...FUNNY...and I was like: yeah...yeah I do...maybe...but oh well. And then Tylor was OUT JUST OUT...HE JUST LEFT ME THERE...ALONE WITH NIC ALL BY MYSELF...and I was freaked out...just freaked out. Then I started stumbling on my words...and what not...and I was like do you get it yet?? And Nic was like: no?? And I was like: okay...I dunno...I just like you...I dunno why...but I really like the friendship...and I DON'T want to ruin that...ever...but I just had to tell you because it just...RAH [I was shaking! Just shaking!] and I just kept stumbling...and what not...and then I was like...but I have to go...and stuff...okay...and I dunno where this is going to go now...but yeah. And I didn't look at him the whole time...just at the wall or my shoes...or my hands...and okay...maybe once I looked at him...and I told him I was shy too...and then I just had to go...and then he went to drink water...and then I heard: bye hollie...and I was like: SMILING SIMLING SMILING...and I went: bye nic. And then I was trying so hard not to run or anything...or scream...and then I got outside and I was like running and jumping...and I went by Audrey...and she was like what?? And I said: I TOLD HIM...I TOLD HIM...I was freaking out...and stuff...I think I had some tears in my eyes...I was so happy...and then I saw Penny Gurl [aka Mindy]...and she was like: you have to tell him [she didn't know I did of course] and then I was like: I TOLD HIM I TOLD HIM I TOLD HIM...and stuff...and then she freaked out...and was like: what'd he say?? I was like: nothing...but Bye hollie. Which is awesome considering I thought he would totally freak out...but his face...his face was something else...he looked kinda worried...but kinda I dunno...shy...and I mean I couldn't even read his face...but still I told him...which was awesome...so then I went to the bus...and my brother just smiled...because I was freaking out. And I HUGGED him...I really truly did. I hugged him...because I was soo happy...because I doubt he would of said anything to me if Tylor wouldn't of got him...so yeah...then I told Karia S. what happened...and she was smiling...because like everyone knew I was going to tell him..and finally I did...so now we have to find out where to go from here...because even I dunno. I just hope everything works out...because I like him...a lot. I really do.

Hey...the best news in the world: THE CAMPUS DOESN'T WANT A GREAT SCORE IN GEOMETRY...BUT JUST TO SEE THAT YOU TRIED AND WHAT NOT....OR AT LEAST PASSED!!! HAHA...ISN'T THAT JUST GREAT??? I thought so...but yes...I won't see him again until sixth hour...and what not...so yeah...but it isn't going to happen because I don't have test tickles...hahaha...I love that email. But, yes....I dunno...I really think a lot of people are getting a little to big for their shoes. But yeah...it is qutie funny actually seeing all of these people...oh get this...everyone is like college is easy...well no fucking shit...college is going to be easy you're going to UW-Richland. I mean...come on...I'm going to UW-Platteville and I'm all worried and shit...and I mean I shouldn't be because it is a I-Could-Careless College...and what not...so yeah...but...it just is one of those things that I get soo pissed about...and then they worry about getting money...yeah fucking right...I'm so fucking sure that you have to worry about money...it just pisses me off...I mean yeah I fucking procrastinate...but please...you don't have to worry so much about it...it just sorta happens....you know...I dunno what the fuck I'm talking about onw. but yeah...it is just crazy how people are like that...it pisses me off

Come Here
Let me touch on you...let you touch on me
Let me put my tongue on you...put your tongue on me
Let me ride on you...you ride on me
We get it on tonight

Okay...so I have told the Wow that I like him...okay screw this...I haven't told Nic that I like him yet, but it is ever so obivous that I do...and I think he really likes me, too. Today I asked some other people how to tell him...and they are like: write him a note, have a friend put in a good word, get a group of friends together and do something [aka pizza and a movie] which all SOUND GREAT, but I dunno what either of us would do in a sitution like that...I mean I think that we could have tons of fun together and what not...I mean we have tons of things in common [I think], but seriously I really like him...and I mean I've never really felt this way in a long time...I mean I LIKE him...I mean I would LIKE TO PRUSUE something WITH him. I just dunno how to get it off my chest...because ever time I'm around him...he just gives off this: I like you and you like me. I mean yeah...we "know" that we like each other...but yet...we haven't set a "knowing" of the liking down...which really sucks...because I just want to be happy with him and stuff...you know...like I don't know what to do...anyway The Things Nic and I have in Common [to my knowledge]
1) We both like to read
2) We both like to play video games [when I get the chance]
3) Um...we both "like" to paint
4) We both dislike Mr. Donahoe
5) yeah...that's about it...but that is something...I mean I'll get over the fact that he doesn't like Tater Tot Casserole or that he...umm...yeah that' s all I have to get over...really...but I would just love to be able to say at least SOMETHING to him...I mean I can talk to him...but just to be able to be like: I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING...REALLY TELL YOU SOMETHING...BUT I DUNNO WHER ETO START...BECAUSE I'M A PARNOID FREAK. That's all...that's really all...which is okay with me...okay...I'm doing to do this search thing for something...to find out crap...but there isn't anything about me...which totally rocks. But yeah...back to this...okay...on WI Circuit Court you could find this...and what not...3-25-04 at 11 a.m. which really blows...but yeah that is the Preliminary Hearing...which...yeah...I dunno what that is...but oh well...can't be good. I guess y'all didn't need to know that...but I'm keeping it for future reference. okay?? good. But...yeah...I think I'll get going...okay...so I'm prolly going to be heading out soon...seeing as it is a half hour walk and what not...but yeah...I dunno...I just think about everything...and I've been thinking about everything and deleting my blog because of everything because I just don't see the purpose of having my blog anymore because...but yeah...I just dunno...I mean...come on.

I just want you all to know that I can SMELL AGAIN which means two things
1) If you are my friend...you will be hearing about how good Nic smells
2) I will not be able to stay away from him...because he smells so good

OH OH OH OH...Guess what?? GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT??? Today I was reading this magazine [Parents] and I asked him if he LIKED kids...and he was all: YEAH...CAN YOU BLOODY BELIEVE IT?? AND THEN AND THEN...I went over to his computer for him to read something of mine and I was LEANING on him...and then rubbing his head...and what not...and he DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING...JUST READ...AND THEN SMILED. Okay...and if you know the story you must say: THAT IS A HUGE LEAP IN THE LIKE-AGE SCALE :D :D :D So...yeah...tomorrow I'm going to do something...I know I'll take some liquid courage...no not beer...but KOOL-AID...yes...KOOL-AID that should help in the whole thing...I dunno though...Nic is prutty shy about this...he might be all pissed or something...that could be bad...I doubt it, though...cuz if he really likes me then he'll be happy that I told him...right?? Right?? I thought so..I mean he's super and what not...and I just...yeah...I haven't posted something like this in the LONGEST time...okay...well...yeah...so I'M GOING TO TELL HIM...TOMORROW...BECAUSE I REALLY WOULD LIKE A GROUP DATE THING WHICH WOULD INCLUDE [MAYBE] THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:
1) me
2) nic
3) courtney
4) maybe...Tom
5) Amanda
6) Zach B.
7) Sabrina
8) Peter
9) yeah...anyone else that would like to come

So...yeah I'm out...starting to plan something Nic will be to shy to attend

He likes me: how can I tell??

1) I'm having a super bad day...I look at him: Whassa matter?? [how many guys say that??]
2) Those looks he gives me...and he knows when he does :D
3) I couple days ago I was having another bad day he wanted me to tell him what the matter was I didn't want to [I just gave him a look] he replied: You don't have to if you don't want to.
4) He listens to me [very good]
5) We always flirt...very cute
6) He is finally letting me touch his hair...without pulling away..

And those are the reasons why he likes me...which is really cool..now I just have to tell him what's going on...and I think I will one day...before FLORIDA becuase I just want something with him sooo bad...cause you may not think so, but he is so understanding...it is crazy cool! But...yeah...I'm out.

Courtney: You can read the post below...just know that something is wrong...and that reality has hit very hard...and it hurts...okay?? But, yeah...they [Gram and Aunt] don't want her to go

Things that are wrong in my life right now:
1) Science fair, March 25, doing project on blood pressure...lost all data.
2) Geometry Test tomorrow...a year and half behind the rest of the class [or so he says]
3) Worried about my brothers, Cody and Tylor, ends up...if "mom" gets sentenced...Evan will keep them.
4) Mom going to trial...enough said
5) Will have to testify...crap on a stick
6) Don't have the guts to tell FiveFingers that I like him...and want to have...yeah...you get it.
7) Worried about everything...can't fail anything this quarter, which ends: March 31
8) Don't want to go to school anymore
9) Scholarships due...ASAP
10) I just wish I could lose at least 3 pounds...instead of gaining
11) Doing everything in science fair...getting pissed off
12) Worrying about everything
13) Getting pissed off at people who are nice to me...just because I have something they want
14) People that tell me: Well...if you think you got it bad now...I don't know what you will be like in ten years...frankly in ten freaking years...I'll be better off...because I doubt I will get the shit my whole life...but if everything is rough...I'll take the easy way out...because I'm sick of taking shit.
15) Gurls in my class thinking there are top shit just because they're seniors
16) People taking shit about my brothers...they hide everything really well...and I just wish for a second I could know what is going through their head.
17) That's all I can think of
18) Having that problem...of procrasitation...because well...I was supposed to email this one person...haven't yet...fuck
19) Being sick

I just haven't had time to do anything that will help me...in any way. I mean I haven't read or wrote anything in the longest time. I think I smell something nasty and I hope it isn't me. But, anyway...yeah...I mean I don't have anyone in my life right now that would help me with anything...I mean the one person that helped me the most...and I'm just starting to realize this...is the one person that I'll never get to talk to again. For the last month I haven't had a mom. I mean how many people in this world...can actually say: I don't have a mom. I mean...around here. I mean everyone has a mom...some have two...but me...I've had this mom in my life for the last 17 years...and she's stood by me all 17...until about a month ago. When I told here that I didn't love her...I could see everything in her eyes go to hell. She helped me out soo much...and she was there for all those times...when I didn't realize it. I always compared myself to everyone elses' mom. Never once did I look at my mom and say: Boy...even though she drinks soo much...she would always try her best to do whatever she could for us. And the sad thing was: I never once saw it...I never once realized what she has done for me in the last 17 years...I really haven't and that is the saddest part...I really don't know right now what to think. I mean I don't love her...and I never will. But, still she loved me...and that is what counted. I mean...you should of saw her eyes...her eyes when I told her...lost something...you could just tell...and then they were replaced with hate...instantly. She just knew...and then I freaked. I mean...I didn't love her. I didn't love Evan...but he claimed he did [whole nother story]. I've repressed almost everything about that night...the things that meant something to me...everything else is gone...there is no...pain in that night...I just remember...bits and pieces...that's all...I don't remember when she hit me...I just remember words...I don't remember getting to the phone...just hearing the dial tone and the tone of 9-1-1...I don't remember Evan standing there watching...but I know that he did. I remember thinking...I was going to die...and that was all there was to it. I just remember thinking...my brothers are in the rooms next to me...but Evan was there gaurding the door...I just remember Willow and Jasmine...I remember thinking...it's to late to apologize to everyone...I remember when I thought it was ever so cool for your life to flash in front of your eyes...I can tell you one thing: it's not. It really isn't...because I didn't have a life...there is nothing in me right now...besides Jasmine and Willow...that was it...and my brothers...there was nothing else...I really mean that. I just saw them...like a fast moving picture...running around...my brothers and I playing N64...doing cheats on Vice City...holding my little sister while watching some movie...that was all I had...nothing else...there wasn't really anything...that was it. I just...saw it...and it freaked me out. Because I was crunched in a corner...and I just remember: This is it...I'll never get to be happy...because my mom and he asshole boyfriend are going to beat me to death. That was it...and my brothers won't be able to do anything. They'll hear me...everything...I wish I could say that my "will to live" kicked in...but it didn't nothing kicked in, but I know why...because all of those years when I heard my mom getting hit...I knew that Evan was stronger than me...Mom was stronger than me...I didn't have hope. Nothing...

Yeah...anyway...I'll prolly end up going on the short bus...maybe...but would throughly enjoy asking him!

I will have soda tomorrow no matter what. Okay...also I will tell him tommorrow. I feel so bad about the painting...that I didn't want to do anymore, because I can't...I just couldn't. You have no idea....I just am losing everything and anything. It is horrible. I'm letting my paint dry...so I can get good ol' water colors! HOOAH. But, yeah...sinking down in my chair, because I'm becoming insanley comfy in Courtney's coat...thanks babe. But, yeah...let's talk about something important. Do you ever have this problem: you have to tell someone something, but you can't...because you're right there and you can't get involved...and it is soo horrible...because you see the person...and you are just like: woah....and then you start to think...oh...how am I going to get out of this without gettting ANYONE hurt?? It is soo horrible. God...he is so freaking cute. Sorry...thinking about that one boy...that one boy with the cute gait...that one boy that smells good...that one boy who is really nice to me...that one boy that is insanely cute in the best of ways...that one boy...just that...that's all he is...right now...that one boy...but yeah...so yeah...anyway...so I'm just thinking....about how nice it would be to be GROWN up...and have a kid. Oh...Quinn was so cute. I dunno...I just want one sooo bad. Oh...it is time to vent baby. Okay?? This guy...let's call him freak-o of the internet...yeah...well freak-o was all pissed off because I like Stefan...get the #@%! over it...I mean...okay....first off...oh my god...you know my comp IP and where I live! Okay?? Oh freaking well...I think you are the biggest geek ever...and I'm just being nice to you...cuz I don't want you to freak out...hey freak-o don't freak out now...okay...don't freak out. But, yeah...I just dunno...how could someone like that just decide to "cling" to me...and tell me stuff like that. Okay?? I have no feelings for you what so ever. But, yeah...it just kinda freaks me out and stuff...cuz you know HE'S A FREAKING FREAK...but besides that...HE COULD PROLLY HACK INTO MY COMPUTER...but besides that...WELL HE'S FREAKY AND HE "LIKES" ME...but besides that...I suppose it is all good?? Yeah..okay...but the whole dilly-o with Stefan...yeah...at least now we got it all figured out...TO BAD I'M FREAKING ATTACHED TO THE IDIOT!!! God...why does this have to happen to the best of us??? I tell you...but yeah...oh well...I'm sure that one day we'll be fine. I know we will. But, yeah...just had to show some people my blog...[yes...he was one of them...] but yeah...anyway...umm...there were all like: what is that?? and I'm like: my online journal...and I just wanted to say Blog...and they wouldn't of got it..it cracks me up! But yeah...catching up on my blog...I dunno. I'm just thinking...can you believe that I HOLLIEJO am going to fill out a NCAA MEN'S basketball tournament thingy???? Actaully...if you really want to know?? I've done two years...I'm in my second year...each year...learning a bit more on things such as: stats...what a rebound, assist, and or "bucket" is...it is very hard to explain...oh and my favorites: behind the arc [3 pt. line] and "In the paint" [points made in the lane [the free throw lane thingy] okay...well I'm out

Yeah...nothing to exciting...gots to go soon...yeah...do some homework.