I'm not pulling a guilt trip. You don't have to be nice. I don't have very many friends...and Hollie doesn't care. You know how many times I've said: When I'm gone I'm gone. That's the truth. There is nothing for me here. Nothing! At all. You should know this. So right now...I'm not worried about what everyone thinks..and I could careless about you and Kyle. I just couldn't. Really...cuz you want to find out on your own...go for it. I mean...if he hurts you. Oh well! Okay...and with me and my guys...oh well. I honestly think that nothing will come of anything with them and what not. It is just fun to think: maybe just maybe one day something would come of it. But oh well now. Cuz I doubt anything thing will come from anything...and I'm not rightly worried about it. I'm really not. I just see everything differently. And change. I hate change and you know this more than anyone. You have no idea what change does to me. I'm seriously terrified of change. Hell...I'm scared of everything. Anything and everything. It is just one of those things. And you...you are just soo brave and so outgoing...and I'm just like: whatever...I can't do that...because of above. I can't bloody help. I can't put myself out there...when I know I really do. I mean I feel like: I put myself out there...I'm going to get hurt. And that is what scares me. I'm deathly afraid of getting hurt. So...my problems are all fucked up and you know this. But, oh well. Maybe it is time to face the facts. We are totally different...and right now we need to back off and just leave each other alone...cuz right now I don't...yeah well I don't know what I want...I just don't want anything.

I was thinking about this earlier...umm...shit...ummm...oh well I forgot. Anyway...oh...this was it. Okay...never mind. Oh...I choose to be nice. Deep down I'm evil...seriously like I'm mean. Not with words on this thing...but vocally...I'm pure evil.

Just thinking...I dunno. I really don't. I don't think anything will come between me and that one dude. And while were at it...me and Scott are going to get it on! =) Not like that...no...like this: One day me and him are going to have a eating contest...yeah...where I try and kick his ass! Not going to happen, but I'll try hard. Like we were talking about it and it turns out he can eat a lot! I mean I already knew that...but I figured not as much as me. I mean I think I could eat like 20 meatballs and like 2-3 plates of spaggietti to go with it! Yeah! I'm supposed to get this paper for mass media...be filing aid papers for school and tons of other things...but all I can think of is why are you giving me the cold shoulder. Oh...wait...could it be because some person that said they wouldn't say anything did?? Oh well..truth be told...I am. I really am. I mean you're a great friend and all...but you are just changing and what not...and I am to. And I really don't have time right now for that. I mean I have tons of time...just no time to worry about you and your little man thing. Oh well! That's the truth. And also...I could careless if you know now or later...cuz the truth is I'll prolly tell you! I really mean it. I mean you just have something going with you and I really don't want to be part of that. Okay? And no I'm not using my "incident" as an excuse. Cuz the fact is...it is over and it is done. Oh well...shit happens. And who cares. Honestly...I'm fine.

Okay?? Anyways. I've been thinking about you and stuff. And lately I haven't been missing you as much as usaul...which is weird. What would you do if I told you I won a trip to Germany?? Cuz I didn't. But...no really what would you do if I took a year off from school?? Huh?? Would you be disappointed?? Or even if I went to Center?? Oh God! I hope I don't end up at Center. Some people are like: "Oh I could totally see you take a year off...cuz you're smart and all and you have the junk to get where you want to go." Well...honestly...I dunno if I do. Cuz like right now. I just don't want anything to do with anything. And that's the truth. Kinda scary! I dunno just really thinking about everything.

It is kinda amazing to see your "friend" being not so "friendly" cuz that is how you are. And I ever catch you talking shit about me I'm going to give you a piece of my mind because that is what you deserve. I don't care that I have "fits" okay?? If you had my not so perfect family I'm sure you would have "fits" too! I can't help it that you have problems with your family and that you just want to "be yourself" cuz honestly you were for about 4 months and then you slipped back into their grasp. They have you like you wouldn't believe. Hell you sport sneakers now! Ha. Changed: yes. Yourself: no.

Haha. That was for you. You know...I get really sick of my class pretending to like me. You guys don't have to be nice. It is like you choose to be nice. I choose to be mean. Why don't you??

Later Taters Must Do Mass Media!
Holliejo

So corny. Yes, you broke my promise, oh well...life goes on. I told someone that you weren't on when you promised me you were going to, but she told me: not to worry, you prolly had very good reason not to be on. I mean I thought maybe you were shopping for like 8 hours...cuz I know that I could :D But, yeah I'm all good I mean I know that you almost know the whole ordeal, but still I really wanted to talk to you! You know?? I just really wanted to talk to you and I really needed to be able to talk to you. I just love talking to you. I mean when I was talking to you, I dunno. I felt distant from you. I don't mean like: "OH I LIVE HERE AND YOU LIVE THERE" I mean I felt: "Oh...well I have to go soon...please don't ramble on to much longer, oh you love me?? Really?? After everything I hear from you?? You love me?? I mean...you have all of those guys?? And graduation?? You're not goin, oh well??" That's how I thought you felt. For real. Like I just felt like you really didn't care you just were there...and that was it. Not like old times. I know that you might have reason to be pissed off at me..and that's cool...I mean I just wish you would tell me. I mean when you told me that you would let me go and find someone else....and you just wanted me to be happy. Wow. I wanted to cry...but I couldn't cuz I was in a library. :D But, yeah. I hope that everything will be better. I mean...yeah like everyone wanted me to tell you and stuff...and I wouldn't really feel right just telling you on my blog and what not. God...I'm procrastinating like you wouldn't believe. Oh well...I should be fine.

Anyway...I'm really tired. Like super tired. I got back home at like 12:20 and watched television and did some stuff until 2:45. I fell alsleep and then woke up at 6:00. I ate some roast and watched some Alfred Hitchcock [spelling] movie. Which I selpt through half of it. Then I watch some of the NBA All-Star Game. Until 9:30, only to fall alsleep again! Yes, yesterday was horrible. I did nothing. Oh wait! I managed to get 1.3 paragraphs done for Mass Media. Which I really think Stefan is going to help me with later in the year! :D But, yeah...today is going good...besides the fact that I'm really tired and I'm really drained.

You know...I just want you all to know. That I'm not milking this for all its worth. Honestly. I'm not. I just really need a break from it all. And I just really need to explain this...cuz if I talk to you about it I'll cry. [Ashley]

I try to be myself around people [and you already know this] that I don't know, but I can't because I'm scared shitless. I mean you may not think so and people think that I'm one of the most out going people you may know. But, not deep down. Deep down I'm scared of what people think, deep down I'm shy. I'm really shy. I'm soo shy...in new places I don't really talk. At all. That's the truth. Just because. I mean I'm around you guys [the school placed in a very general group] everyday. "You guys" can read me. It is one of those things. So...when I'm out I'm scared "people" [in general] can read me too. Therefore, if they can read me...they will know A LOT about me...and I really don't need that. That's all...I'm really insecure.

What I make things into...well that is bad. Just because the smallest things are the things that make me: well hollie. The things that I don't need in my life...the small things are the things that make me angry the things that make me mad and stuff. The things that make me just...GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! So...when all of these small things come together...well you get it.

Ummm...I dunno. I just really think a lot. That is another problem. Cuz with all of that thinking...well you know.

I was just thinking...this post really isn't making a lot of sense right now...well because I'm tired. I cried on Sunday morning/Sat. Night, but I don't remember why now. I just remember telling you that I had to talk to you and telling you the story and telling you why I cared...and then I just remember you leaving. That's all. Oh...I felt distant from you. You know?? That's all. Now I feel like I'm not going to get to talk to you for a superbly long time and that makes me sad to. I dunno. I'm just thinking. That's all. I'm going now to do nothing and to think a little more. Okay??

Later Taters
holliejo

Hollie's Thought of the Day:
"Thinking...just thinking...I have an 18 step proof in Geometry that I have to remember...and I know I won't...but yet...I can remember the score to the All-Star Game...which is horrible for me...considering I'm against ESPN SportCenter in the Morning and the show call Cold Pizza. OH NO!!! What am I gong to do?? EAST: 132 WEST: 136. Dale Jr. Won the Daytona 500. What is the world coming to??"

I can't believe this...I just got all excited for nothing because I thought it was 8:30 when really it is only 7:30 mind you I went to be at: 2:30!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I think I may be crazy!