This what I feel like, right now. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to tell you anything. I don't want to hear it. I don't want you to tell me anything that I want to hear. I just want everything to go away. I just want you to leave. I want you out of my life faster than you could ever know. I don't want all of this, because then I get all sad and depressed I don't want to do anything. I just want to cry. I just want to give it all away. I just want you gone. I really do. Don't. Do. This. You Fucked Up My Life. I'm sick of always hearing sappy love songs on the radio. =) I just don't want to do this. I want it all to go away. Why did you do this to me? I'm really confused about everything. Not, so much anymore. I don't really care if Courtney hates you. Tonight she was nutreal. (spelling) she didn't do anything she wasn't supposed to. For once, she looked at it from the point of view from the both of us. So, you can go to hell for being mean to my friend. I don't care that she hates you. She's most likely has reason. What the fuck did you do to her? I'm really pissed at you all of a sudden. Thoughts pass through my head so fast and what not, that I get really overwhelmed quite quickly and it doesn't stop. The typing on my hands won't stop. and you can't make them stop. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for everything. I shouldn't have told you all that I did. I should of just left it alone. You should have told me that you cared about me, but you don't really care about me as much as you think you do. I mean look at you. You had one of those typical High School Relationships, where everything you do makes you laugh and giggle and do you do it, because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. You don't think about the people around you, what the fuck is up with that? I just wish I knew, because I don't. I wish I could understand why you think everything is okay, becasue it's not. It's not okay. Nothing is going to be okay with us. You have to understand that. I just want you to go away, because this isn't what I want. I want nothing to do with you. I just don't understand. Why did you do this to me? Why did you make me fall for you, only to realize there is a lot more under you than your stupid intelligence. There's a lot of really smart people, but there's a lot more people that can fake their smarts. And I happen to be one of them, but you just happen to be plain ol' stupid. I just don't understand why you did the things you thought you had to do. I just don't understand any of it. Why are you the way you are? I don't know, I'll prolly never know. And you know what, it's probably a hell of a lot better that way too. I don't know what to do with you. I just want to jump off a cliff and cry myself to sleep, because I realize that I fucked up really bad. I was the one that made the mistake of actually caring about you. What the hell is that shit? Why did I think that I needed all of this? Because, for once, I'm almost capable of taking care of myself and I don't need you to be a person that needs to take care of me. I don't need this. I have friends and family that are there for that reason. And I don't need a boy thinking that I need him. Because, I don't need you, and you may need me. But, I don't want to be the person that you need, just so you can stay in line. You'll be more than fine without me. Because, you'll get to lead your life how you want to, not how you think I'd want it. I've had enough of boys like you. I need a real boy, I need a man to take care of me now. You're just so stupid and you don't really realize that. I can lie through my teeth to you, and you don't realize it. How horrible is that? Pretty bad, but you could be doing the same thing to me. Only I won't be so hurt by it.

So, tired lost and confused. I know I'm not being used or anything, but I'm so scared. I don't want to be a person that is using him. I mean, I tell him everything is okay, I love you, and everything in between. It sucks though, because what gets me the most is the fact that I could love him. I mean, okay, I lie. I do love him. a lot. I mean that. But, I mean in the wierdest sense it doesn't make much to me. I mean I sit there and tell him everything he wants to hear, because I know what they want to hear. How horrible is that? How horrible is it that I'm really scared. That this relationship which began as a stupid innocent let's try things out, to hey, I really like you,, but I'm a really good friend. To what it is now, which is I know we're not together, but we really are. It's just not official. I don't want you with other guys. And I know you get jealous everytime I mention someone's name. What's up with that? Why do I have to be so scared about everything? Why do I have to be doomed with the horrible idea of the fact that I could possibly be scared to be with this person. I just wish I knew what I was thinking or what I wanted out of all of this. Because, in the truth. It would be great. But, we all know that Hollie doesn't do well with all of this. I get so freaked out with what it could be, and what it is. I just don't want it. I know I don't want it. I know I don't. I really, really don't. I don't know why I want all of this. I just don't understand any of this. Because I'm so freaked out!! What did I do to put me in this place? Why do I feel this way? Why do I want this and then again, it's one of the last things that I want for myself. I just want to give it all away and stop everything that has happened. I want it all to go away. I want a different Prince Charming. I don't want this one. I don't care. Beggers can't be choosers. But, I'm not begging. I'm pleading. Don't let me hurt this guy. But, I know no matter what. I will. I'm doomed. I just don't want all of this to happen. I know he loves me. I know he does. I don't want him to. I don't want to hear it come out of his mouth. I don't want to know all of this. I don't want to know what he thinks about me and why I'm so great. I just want everything to go away. I just want everything to leave. I don't want this anymore. I just want to be myself. I don't want to be tied down to anyone at the moment. Especially someone that is as far away as he is. He's so far beyond reach it's almost impossible for things to work out. He's like, when and if. And I don't count on when and if's I count what is going to happen in the now. I've given up. I'm stopping all of this, but I know I can't, because I'm hollie. and that's just the way I am. I don't think about others, just the feelings that I'm getting from everything now. I know that's a horrible way to look at things and that makes me 100 times worse of a person than I already am. I don't understand though, what I'm doing wrong with everything. I just don't get it. Nothing in this makes any sense, but I'm pretending it does. But, I know it doesn't. I have so much shit to think about, and I hate it. I honestly don't think I could handle him right now. Everything that he's going through is on a completely different level than what I'm going through. He doesn' understand it. Everything that I hear from him is everything that I've done. I don't want to go through that again. I want everything to be okay. I want to be able to think about everything and know that everything that I'm going through is completely new to me and him. I don't want to know everything that is going through when he is doing it. I already know what high school is like. I already know everything about that. I have the battle wounds from the social life, to the dipolma and the acceptance letter to platteville to show that I've been through and did a good enough job to make something out of my life after it was all finished. I have a different goal in life. I want kids, I want to live in a big city. I want the business dad, with a stay at home nanny. I want my kids to be bilingual. I want them to go to a private daycare where they learn a lot more than I ever did. And I can't get that out of someone that is just planning to scrape by. I didn't work this hard to get through everything that i went through to be pulled back into something that I don't want. I think he realizes this and wants to change it like no other. But, it's so hard. I don't want any of this. I just want him to let go, because I know I can't. Do you realize how hard it is for me to find some kind of attention from someone? I let them all go, because I know better than that. I don't go crawling back to someone that I know I shouldn't be with. Although, I do it all the time. Do you realize that everything that I do...it's just plain fucked up. I'm not sure where all of this is coming from. But, I know it's time for me to get off the computer soon and do something about all of my grades, because I just want to do well. I just want to be someone that is something more than a small school and a big mouth. It's horrible. I want to be known by so many more people than be judged by the few that I know. It's just something I'm not ready to deal with right now. and it makes me sad. I just want to give it all away. I just want to be happy. I just want to let go.

It's been awhile. In fact it just took my hands a bit to find the keys. Kind of a lie, but you get the gist of it. School is finally working out and everything seems to be moving right along. It seems like the money and everything inbetween will all be okay. I just want all of it to be okay too. I mean there's nothing more I want than to be really happy in life with finicial (spelling) stablility. Speaking of stablity and spelling, both of which I'm working on more and more everyday. But, for really. It seems that I'm working on all of it. Along with a boy that I once knew. I thought once upon a time that I would be really happy. That this is what I wanted in life. I wanted him. I wanted to share things with him. I wanted him to be there. But, it was shortlived...twice. I think because we were both exploring our lives. Totally different pathes. Something totally not worthwhile, but when we weren't focusing on that. Totally amazement. I was happy. Really happy. It wasn't like a friend, or a boyfriend. It wasn't like I needed him there, but damn it felt good. He was amazing. And sitting here thinking about it right now, freaks me out, because I'm not sure if this is what I'm supposed to be looking forward too. Or what? I don't know if I should just completely shut myself off to others and just focus on the thought that maybe one day, we'll be together. That we'll be together...and it will be nice, because I can sit here and honestly say, if he said, "let's give it a go." I would work around everything to make us happy. To make sure that I was putting into the relationship as much as possible. But, I also know that isn't going to work that way, just because we discussed things...and we're not ready for something like that. Maybe, when I'm getting older, but I want him in my life. It's been a year. It's just amazing that I still hold hold a place for him in my heart. Caring about him, worrying about him, but all the while, wondering if this is all worthwhile. I wonder if this is something that I want. If this is something that I don't need. If this is all worth it, like I said. I don't know if I want to have him in my life, if all that is going to happen is I'm going to fall apart. Because I don't want us to fall apart. I want to be with him. I really do. He's amazing. We were only together for a short period of time, but it seemed like the most wonderful time ever. It was really harsh what happened, and I wish it didn't. I wish I would have tried a bit harder to make everything with us work out in the end. That spring killed us. It killed me, well actually it didn't kill me, and yes, it did make me stronger. A hell of a lot stronger. It made me think about myself. Because of the fact that we broke up not only because it was awkward, but because of the fact that his friends this and his friends that...that was bullshit. I wish I could have just been someone that everyone would have liked, and then slowly exposed myself, after the fact that he and I could have been a rock solid relationship. It takes a lot. And it kills me. I think about all the mistakes I've made, and what not, but I guess everything is fine. I just have to think and grow up. I still have a lot of time for the both of them.

Where are you when you're not here? Why do you have to be away from me when I need you more than anything. I'm not talking about someone, I'm talking about a feeling, a thing...self confidence...I look around me and I see all these pretty people...all these people that people would love to be with, someone that makes them complete, and not only are they happy, but they're pretty, preppy, punky, something wonderful...something I feel I have no grasp on. I hate my body. I wish I could just slash my fat away...I wish I had more ambition to fix it. Sometimes, I feel hot...sometimes I'm happy with my body...sometimes I feel confident. But, right now, all the girls around me are so much prettier than I am. So much more of something than I will ever be. It's really not fair. I have to be this ugly monster...that doesn't know anything about personal style or hair, or anything...and that's not true. That's not true at all...it's just that I don't care right now...and it's not even that...it's just that I make up so many excuses for myself...I do all of this that makes it all seem wrong. I feel so ugly. I don't even feel pretty. I see all of these people around me...and it hurts. I get all self concious and I actually dropped something when a girl was standing next to me in the bathroom. I hear people talking, and I think it's about me. I wish there was something to make this go away. I can't go work out, I feel as if everyone is watching me. Like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not the one that's supposed to be doing this. I don't know why I feel like this. It's all of these things...I just wish I knew how to dress or had the money to make myself dress wonderfully. It's not fair. I just want to be happy with myself for once. I don't want to have breakouts anymore...I see all these pretty girls with clear faces and what not...and it hurts...it pains me. I'm so self concious and it's killing me...I don't feel like I have any phyiscal featurs to offer anyone. It hurts so much. I know that when I try, I'm pretty, when I want to be pretty I can be. But, it just seems like everytime I try something new, I fail wonderfully. I can't do this anymore. I'm going through all of this stressful things and I can't really take it anymore. I just want to give it all away, I just want to stop all of this. I want to cry and pout and have someone take care of me. But, I know that's not going to happen. I don't want to do homework. I want to sit in bed and cry...I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing what the world is coming to. I hate all of this. I want to just cry. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel anything. On top of everything, I don't care anymore...I really don't. I'm trying hard, but not hard enough. I get so stressed out with everything and I can't take it anymore. I really can't. I just want to give it all away. I want everything to be okay...it's so hard. I hate all of this. I really do. I just want everything to fall into place...but it's not. It really isn't. I hate all of this. I hate it all. I'm failing at least 2 of my classes. I can feel that I'm going to fail them. I'm not in the mood for any of this. I just want to make it all go away. I want to stop going, I just want to give it all away again. Start back to where I once was...and just do everything that I did last year. And maybe this year I'll finally learn that college isn't for me and I'll finally learn that I can't do it. That I'll just give it all up. I'll just start my life as a failure. I mean I've been a failure for so long and got so could at hearing it, even though I never was, that it's all finally catching up to me. And, now it's taking it's toll on me...because now something else is riding on everything...my family is finally proud of me. Now, I'm doing it for them, and not for me anymore. I'm going to class for them, I'm trying harder, because I want to do it for them. But, I don't want to do it, I really dont'. I want the social life and I want the friends and the support. I want everything but the education. I already realized that I can't do it. If I could do it, I would have done it a long time ago. I wouldn't have waited around to prove myself. I would have gotten my ass in gear. Now, it's only a matter of time, before I start slacking off and doing nothing again. It's sad, because I fell like I have to do this. This is some kind of requirement or something...but really it's just a really big bonus to having a good high school education...it's something to make everything I learned worthhwhile...but then why doesn't it feel like it's worthwhile? Why does it feel like I'm working so hard for nothing...or maybe...it's because I'm not working at anything at all. The things that pass through my head are absoluty insane. I rather not sleep right now, or do homework because I'm lost and confused. Everyone would just tell me that I should take a semester off, think...if I take a semseter off right now...I'm not coming back and I'm really not making anything of myself. This has always been a dream to be here...but then I didn't see anything in the book of life that said anything about dreams being the same as being in hell. How horrible is that? That I can't stand half the shit that goes on in this town, and my only breath of fresh air is hearing about Big Mac World. I miss my best friend. I miss her so much. I want to go home right now. I want to go see her and I want to go shopping again at Goodwill, and I want to use her Gold Card for everything possible. I want to vent about stupid people. I want to beat her with my Swiffer, while she attacks me with "horse" her HUGE! duster. I want to spend time doing nothing and watch marathons of Law & Order: SVU. I want to do all of this and more, but we can't...and that bothers the hell outta me. I want everything to be okay...and it's not. I want to cry...and I want to sleep and never...ever...wake up.

I'm just really worried about everything. I want to punch everything in my path in the face. I'm just really stressed out from school and what not. I'm really worried about not making it and I'm even more worried about everything in between. I just want my books. I just want to make it. I just want to get my shit in line. I just want everything to be okay. I just want me to make it. I just want to make it in general. I need to make it. I need to make sure everything is okay. I'm sitting in my towel waiting for the showers to open, because they're cleaning right now...damn damn damn. I need to shower and make sure everything is okay. I don't have class tomorrow, so hopefully everything will be okay. I can sleep it all off tomorrow. I can take a break from what I need to do.

So, here I am a few hours later and a little more full of food, and a little more insightful on how this world goes. Okay, so not so much the last one, but the first one I'm totally. I don't feel the food though. Anyways. So, here's the scoop.

• Got to bitch outta friend, because he doesn't like to go to school (remind you of someone you know? Of course it does, me!!)
• Talked to a stupid boy whom I wish I could hate, but incapable of doing so.
• Talked on my phone for awhile, which will continue once I get the batterty charged on the beast.

Good Times My Friend, Good Times. It's Time For This Girl To Watch el movie

So, I like to play mom. It's a good time.

Well, it's that time again. It's the boring weekends for me in platteville where I do nothing, and have a blast doing it. It's the time where I get to think about everything all my fuck ups and then some. It's my time to be all sad and shit. It's quite nice though, because that's the way it is.

Girls are so mean to each other. I feel so insecure here. So unpretty. So everything that a girl doesn't deserve to feel like. It's really not that fair. I just want things to change. I want to feel something again. I want to feel loved and social. I basically need to let go of the things that are killing me, the things that are something that I shouldn't feel.

I want to be able to write again. I want to be able to write what I feel and what not. I want to be able to think about the things that are bothering me and the things that I deserve to write about. So, I'm going to try.

I think I want to hate you. I don't want to have to think about you. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. I don't want to have to be so caught up with all the things that you do. I want to have to deal with it anymore. I just want to give up and start all over again. I want to give it all away. I want to just pretend this never happened. And, sadly, you do too. Maybe, we're finally finished. I've never had a relationship so fucked up, so wonderful, and so long as this. I've never felt this way before with anyone. I've never wanted to be in pain so badly, just to have the good that comes from all of this pain. Our relationship consisted of pissing each other off, letting each other go, and coming back to one another afterwards. It's quite sad how everything went. I want things to go away. I don't want to have this feeling. Right now, I hope, I pray, that we're going through the phase of having to let each other go. I want this next time to be real though. I want to feel something. I want to have something real. I don't want to be another secret you have to hide from the world. I don't want to have to know that there's someone else sharing your bed when I'm not there. I want everything about you to be my own. I want you to be here with me, through all of the good and all of the bad. I don't understand why I like you so much, but I know that everything about you is something good, even the bad. I can deal with your aburpt strangeness, I can deal with the fact that you are so picky, so strange, and so everything. I'm not sure why you're that way, but I'm sure it has to deal with something. The bad part, is after all of this, I feel like I don't know you very well. I feel that I'm not sure that you're the one I could come to and share a bunch of stories with. But, at the same time, there's not much to talk about. You're over there and I'm over here. We don't share many interest together, and we're completely different people. I don't know whether or not we'd ever make something. Maybe, I should just accept that fact and get over the other fact that we'll never be anything more than friends, because of the fact that we're too different, to scared, and most of all overwhelmed by our relationship. I don't know why we end up like this everytime we get together, everytime we hang out or everytime I want something. All I know is that the last time, you wanted it as much as I did. If not, more than I did. I'm not sure why that is, or why we find comfort in the fact that this won't last long. We fall apart faster than we can get together. We have fall outs like no other, we hurt each other more than get along and make something. I'm not sure what is going on. Sometimes I wonder though, sometimes I get ponderous as to our relationship. I wonder if there's a reason for all of this falling out. I wonder if what we do is to bother each other, or maybe we do want to be together, or maybe, which this theory is most believeable that you need someone as much as I do. Someone always there, whether on most days it's your girlfriend, or during the week it's me. I wonder why we go through all of this. Why we need to be in this constant roller coaster ride. Why can't we end up where we should be? I'm not sure though, maybe we're just better off not doing any of this. Maybe this is where we're supposed to be. Apart from each other. Not together, apart always and forever. But, then again, the hopeful optimistic self, does not wish upon all of this. She wants something that lasts and lasts, but sadly I'm sure you have a different plan from all of this. You don't want to think about all of this. I'm not sure why we go through all of this.I'm not sure why we do this or why we need to do this. I don't want to do this anymore. And, sadly, it's going to end up I'm the one that lost someone that means the world to me, even if he doesn't realize it. Or, maybe he's just as confused as I am. I think that we fit together like peanut butter and jelly. We just go together. We just match. I wish it didn't hurt so much to know that we match. That our relationship makes so much sense to myself. I wish that I could just forget all about the last year of my life...or find someone to take the place of the one that I thought wouldn't be replaced. I came into this semester/school year thinking that maybe for once something good would come out of it...replenishing the friendships that I once lost, finding new friends, finding out that you want to share something with me. But, we all know that life is not fair, and I find that my pain that you caused is the cause of me falling down into the hole that I have to somehow get out of. I find myself lost and confused when I'm hurt and down with all of this. I wonder if you ever feel as much as I do? I wonder if I hurt you as much as you hurt me. I know, well I want to believe, that you do hurt as much as I do, because you told me not to cry, you told me not to hurt, you told me all of this, all of these things that I shouldn't be feeling or shouldn't try to feel. You told me though, the one thing that hurt most of all, that we should have stopped talking back in December, when all of this went down the first time. And, in a sense, I agree, I agree wholeheartlity that we should have stopped all of this the first time I found myself in so much angony from the pretend relationship falling apart. But, I couldn't let that happen. I did for awhile; I let you go. I let you out of my life. I let you go, I didn't want you here as much as you didn't want me here. I didn't want to be in pain anymore. Is this what I'm going to have to do again just to get by with everything? Do I have to let you go just to be happy? I hope not, but I'm leaning more towards yes, because of the fact that whenever I'm not with you, I'm happy. Yes, I still seem to think about you, but who doesn't think about someone that they care about? Without you it seems like I can do things, I don't let you get me down. I try to face everything on my own without coming to you crying and pouting about things. It's nice not having someone there, no support, because I'm doing it all on my own. I lied. I don't think that I can do it all on my own. In fact, I know that I can't, because there was someone that replaced you this summer, not in the relationship area, but someone that held me there as I cried and told me everything would be okay. It was nice, but it wasn't you. That's what I thought about, I knew it wasn't you. And that pained me, but now, I need to let you both go. But, mainly you. I just need to let this all go and become something that I want to do. I need to become more independent from you. I just need to let you go. I don't know if I can, but I did it once before, it took awhile, but I managed not to let you get me down. I think I need to do that again, not only for my own good, but for your's as well. I'll let you go, so you can find out what you need and what you want. And for myself, I need to focus on my education and my friendships, because I need something to keep me in line to figure out what I'm doing in this life, I need to figure out what I want and what I need.

I sit here, wondering what is going on back home, what everyone else is going through, why can't I be there, and be happy? I just wonder sometimes. I just want everything to be okay. I want my little cousin to be okay. I want her to figure everything out what she needs to do to make herself happy. I need her to be strong for the time being. I need her to be okay. I need her to be strong...not only for herself, but for our family. I did it, I'm still here, and she can just do it a bit longer, if she can just tell someone what is wrong with her, if she can just learn to express herself in a different way than anger, she'll get better. I want her to be able to do something to make herself better. I want her to think about everything. I want her to just be okay. I want her fragile ego, and her fragile self esteem to begin repairing themselves. I want her thoughts to be clearer and more stable than before. I just want her to be okay, because I know that it's hard for her. I know it's hard for everything to be okay. I know that...and I'm sure she understands that. I just want her to be able to figure things out for once. I want them to help her. I want her to be strong. I want our family to sit down and try to understand what happened and why it did happen like that. What they can do to help repair it, but try not to elimate the problem, because you can't get rid of or avoid a problem like hers. She'll carry it with her for the longest time, she'll keep it with her forever. I'm not sure what will happen to her when she gets older, but I'm sure it won't be for the best. I want her to be happy. I want her to be okay. I want everything to be better for her. It just worries that everything will be different after all of this. I just want her to get better. But, it's hard. I know it is...and I want her to understand all of that. It will be a long stressful process, and I know it will be hard for her to understand what is going on with all of it, but she'll get better. She'll figure out everything and I know that she'll become something better than all of this in the end. She'll know what she wants and most of all what she needs to get through all of this.