Where are you when you're not here? Why do you have to be away from me when I need you more than anything. I'm not talking about someone, I'm talking about a feeling, a thing...self confidence...I look around me and I see all these pretty people...all these people that people would love to be with, someone that makes them complete, and not only are they happy, but they're pretty, preppy, punky, something wonderful...something I feel I have no grasp on. I hate my body. I wish I could just slash my fat away...I wish I had more ambition to fix it. Sometimes, I feel hot...sometimes I'm happy with my body...sometimes I feel confident. But, right now, all the girls around me are so much prettier than I am. So much more of something than I will ever be. It's really not fair. I have to be this ugly monster...that doesn't know anything about personal style or hair, or anything...and that's not true. That's not true at all...it's just that I don't care right now...and it's not even that...it's just that I make up so many excuses for myself...I do all of this that makes it all seem wrong. I feel so ugly. I don't even feel pretty. I see all of these people around me...and it hurts. I get all self concious and I actually dropped something when a girl was standing next to me in the bathroom. I hear people talking, and I think it's about me. I wish there was something to make this go away. I can't go work out, I feel as if everyone is watching me. Like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not the one that's supposed to be doing this. I don't know why I feel like this. It's all of these things...I just wish I knew how to dress or had the money to make myself dress wonderfully. It's not fair. I just want to be happy with myself for once. I don't want to have breakouts anymore...I see all these pretty girls with clear faces and what not...and it hurts...it pains me. I'm so self concious and it's killing me...I don't feel like I have any phyiscal featurs to offer anyone. It hurts so much. I know that when I try, I'm pretty, when I want to be pretty I can be. But, it just seems like everytime I try something new, I fail wonderfully. I can't do this anymore. I'm going through all of this stressful things and I can't really take it anymore. I just want to give it all away, I just want to stop all of this. I want to cry and pout and have someone take care of me. But, I know that's not going to happen. I don't want to do homework. I want to sit in bed and cry...I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing what the world is coming to. I hate all of this. I want to just cry. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel anything. On top of everything, I don't care anymore...I really don't. I'm trying hard, but not hard enough. I get so stressed out with everything and I can't take it anymore. I really can't. I just want to give it all away. I want everything to be okay...it's so hard. I hate all of this. I really do. I just want everything to fall into place...but it's not. It really isn't. I hate all of this. I hate it all. I'm failing at least 2 of my classes. I can feel that I'm going to fail them. I'm not in the mood for any of this. I just want to make it all go away. I want to stop going, I just want to give it all away again. Start back to where I once was...and just do everything that I did last year. And maybe this year I'll finally learn that college isn't for me and I'll finally learn that I can't do it. That I'll just give it all up. I'll just start my life as a failure. I mean I've been a failure for so long and got so could at hearing it, even though I never was, that it's all finally catching up to me. And, now it's taking it's toll on me...because now something else is riding on everything...my family is finally proud of me. Now, I'm doing it for them, and not for me anymore. I'm going to class for them, I'm trying harder, because I want to do it for them. But, I don't want to do it, I really dont'. I want the social life and I want the friends and the support. I want everything but the education. I already realized that I can't do it. If I could do it, I would have done it a long time ago. I wouldn't have waited around to prove myself. I would have gotten my ass in gear. Now, it's only a matter of time, before I start slacking off and doing nothing again. It's sad, because I fell like I have to do this. This is some kind of requirement or something...but really it's just a really big bonus to having a good high school education...it's something to make everything I learned worthhwhile...but then why doesn't it feel like it's worthwhile? Why does it feel like I'm working so hard for nothing...or maybe...it's because I'm not working at anything at all. The things that pass through my head are absoluty insane. I rather not sleep right now, or do homework because I'm lost and confused. Everyone would just tell me that I should take a semester off, think...if I take a semseter off right now...I'm not coming back and I'm really not making anything of myself. This has always been a dream to be here...but then I didn't see anything in the book of life that said anything about dreams being the same as being in hell. How horrible is that? That I can't stand half the shit that goes on in this town, and my only breath of fresh air is hearing about Big Mac World. I miss my best friend. I miss her so much. I want to go home right now. I want to go see her and I want to go shopping again at Goodwill, and I want to use her Gold Card for everything possible. I want to vent about stupid people. I want to beat her with my Swiffer, while she attacks me with "horse" her HUGE! duster. I want to spend time doing nothing and watch marathons of Law & Order: SVU. I want to do all of this and more, but we can't...and that bothers the hell outta me. I want everything to be okay...and it's not. I want to cry...and I want to sleep and never...ever...wake up.