Why does everything that I don't want to happen to me, happen to me? Like everything. Seriously? And on top of that, why can't people tell me things that happen? Like, why can't my mom call me, or write me, it doesn't hurt as much to write to me about things that happen. I mean that. Twice now, since I've been away at college, horrible things have happened in my family. They've put to sleep two of my animals without me knowing about it, until after it was over and done with. The nice thing would have been to call and tell me. That would have been nice, but nope they didn't. And, even if I can't go back to where I want to be, there's still that love and attachment to the animals that I could call mine at one point in time. I wish that I could say that I miss them as much as I do, but I don't. I mean, I would do anything to have my animals with me, but I can't...and therefore I don't miss them. But, when I find out that they are put to sleep, it hurts. Especially when it is Patches...he was awesome. Seriously. I didn't think that I would already be talking about him in the past tense. It isn't fair. I hate seeing life cut off short...it isn't fair, even if it is just an animal. I mean that. I loved him more than anything, he was a really stupid cat, but I loved him a lot, and I'm gonna miss him even more. Ginger...she rocked...she was the only dog that I had when I grew up. There was another one, but she really didn't live that long, but it still hurt. Ginger though, she was always there, and I still talk about her like she isn't gone. And everytime I go home...it's always like there's a chance that I'm going to go to my home, not to my Grandma's. And everytime I'm going home, it's like I'm going to go to my mom's and when I get out of the car, there's going to be my dog, and she's going to be wagging all over and what not, and she's going to sniff me and run up to the front porch, but that's never going to happen, and for many reasons, and all the reasons hurt. I think about how much my family has to hurt, because they are there and in the house everyday. Maybe, my mom is just trying to protect me from everything, and maybe they just want me not there, but I would really like to know, I don't want to be able to just sit around and act like nothing has happened. I have some kind of attachment to the animals too, and everyone has to know that...it's just goes without saying. So, when you hear my Grandma choking up, and she's telling you all of this, and you're just trying to hang up the phone without her getting hurt, it's a lot harder than you think, but you get all these fucking memories in your head about everything you loved about that animal, and everything that you hated, and all the times you cuddled and loved and fed, and took care of and played with that animal, and you realize that even if you do have the chance to make everything right, that you might get the chance to live with your mom again, everything is going to be changed, because two of the things that made your home worth living in are gone, and nothing in a million and one years are going to bring it back, no matter how hard you try. And even though I know that I'm never going to get to be with my parent's again...and I know that I'm never going to get to go back home and be with those animals, my attachment is still there and it hurts so much, and I don't know what to say or do about anything, but cry and think about everything and then just move on and forget, because that's all I can do, because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and I didn't get the chance to say I'm sorry. And they never give me the chance to make anything right and I'm not okay with that, and I'm not okay with anything. And it hurts, because I hate when things have to leave, no matter what. I hate it a lot. And I get scared of it, and then to hear that you have to face it, even indirectly is really hard, even if I haven't seen my cat for almost a year, it hurts so much and I know that my mom has to be in more pain than me. All I know is that this better not continue and I wish that I knew everything that was going on with everything, and they wouldn't just leave me out in the outskirts with everything. I mean that. It's not fair. Don't you think that it would be nice that I knew at least something about something that is going on? I mean that...I hate this...and it's not fair. I Love You Patches...Ginger...Red...It's Not Fair, But Hopefully In Heaven You'll Remember Me...Because I'll Never Forget You