I forget what it feels to write while you have music blasting in your ears, does it make me write more or something? I'm not sure, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Anyways...so I'm sitting here thinking about everything that has changed in the last few weeks. Everything and anything. For one, I'm finally discovering who I am. I'm quiet, but loud around those who I know and when I want to get attention I'm sure to get it in all the wrong ways, but quiet all the same. I'm just the girl that I wanted to be, and was all along, but was to "I'm holliejo" to discover what I really was. "holliejo" that's something crazy...but we're going to give you a brand new revised definition of my name, that it's finally going to make some sense about everything...
holliejo by definition:
holliejo: a girl trying to find her place in the world, always confused about where she's supposed to be, never ending contradictions fall from her mouth, she doesn't know what she's going to do today, tomorrow, or in her future, but has a distint look at things, and she wants the normal life style, nothing that is dysfuntional (but to be dysfunctional you need her def of that too), she just wants to fit in for a day, and she likes to use random words making no sense at all, but to the close friends she does have, it's one that makes her holliejo. Holliejo does not like to be talked about, like any human being, and when someone is talking in hushed voices it is most likely directed at her, or so her-worried-self likes to think. She likes to be nice, but can be a complete bitch, and isn't scared to say she isn't a bitch. What else...she thinks about everything and is scared of losing the people she loves the most...which is a lot. To be commited is something she wants, but is to scared of doing soo...she is someone that has heard from her friends, "has something about her." Holliejo isn't sure what this could be, but it's probably a number of things that makes her what she is today. She's been pushed around, and she will push back. She will give nasty looks and call you a bitch without regret, for she has few of them in the past. The only thing that she wishes she could ever take back is the fact that she told someone that she didn't love them...that's one thing she wants to take back and it's going to haunt her always and forever...it's almost been a year, but the thought is still fresh in her head, what did she do to deserve half of the things that happened to her, why did everything have to be so strange...why did she have to deal with the things that she went through...why couldn't everything be different for her in the end...why couldn't she have a happily ever after. This all describes holliejo, and while getting off the subject of her def. it's nice to know that she can just write and tell everything about herself. She's one of the most open/closed people...she doens't like to think she's weak, but she knows she is...she is everything that she wants to be and everything that she wishes she wasn't. In general she is and always will be a contradiction to herself. She doesn't like thinking about it, but she does it anyways.
Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always
kiss you, taste you, alnight, always. Lemme hold you, touch you, always.
I want to. You should know that. You're one of those guys that I miss so much, that I want to be with you, because I know that I could love you. In fact, at one time I know I did, but then you fucked me over and what now, because guess what? I love you. I really do, and I want to be with you always and forever...you just were to scared, and what not. You didn't like me with your friends, but damn boy, what did you expect. Seriously? I want to be with you, I really do, and what not. You just won't give the time of day to lemme be with you. I really want to. I don't know what to tell you. I want to call you up at this very minute and tell you I want to be with you. I just can't, because what if you say no. Because then I know that I'll be hurt, I said I'd call this week and I didn't I wanted to give you space, but really I just want to sit with you and drink a beer or whatever and I want you to hold me tight when we are watching a scary movie, but I know that won't happen. I don't want sex from you, but damn it's great. I just want to be with you. You're the one that I want in my life at this very moment. I want you to build me the computer and I want to do everything to you...and watch you geek out with me...and make me laugh and sneak a special smile my way...you're one of the best guys I've ever had. You're the best. hands down. I told you things about me that most can't get out of me, no matter what. I wanted to tell you to give me more time, but I was so pissed and so worried about me getting hurt that I couldn't bear not to tell you to go away. I just want to hold you, Matt. Seriously I want you to come across this and I want you to believe that you care about me, because I know you do. Why can't you call me tomorrow and tell me the things that come across your mind...tell me that I was a bitch for not wanting you sincerly because I wanted your friends instead...honey I knew that they weren't worth my time...I knew they weren't. Why couldn't you see that. I like hanging out with guys more than girls..you know that...and I love your friends why couldn't you just give me a little more time...like give me just some more...I wanted time, that's all. I could have gave you the world and then some, I could have been the best girlfriend ever, and you didn't want that. You wanted what you wanted now. You wanted a girl that you could be dependent on...like at that very moment, and I was dependent on you and what not...but you just have to give me time...and time was something that we the both us don't cherish as much as we want too. We don't have the patience to respect the time that the both of us needed, because we had sex when we both didn't want to. Only for once I started to respect it, I was ready. I wanted you more than anything in the world. But, I couldn't have you because we didn't know what we felt. I know that I care more than you do, because of the fact that you broke up with me, and you didn't want to wait, but I did. I wanted it all to work out I wanted everything with you, I wanted to call you and tell you stories about my day, and how I did nothing but think about you...and everything in between...and when you're almost an hour away and you're on the phone with me, I can sit and think that you're right there beside me and that you'll always be there to catch me when I almost fall...'specially when I'm drunk. But, you'll tell me things about how your day was and what kind of program you made and how you kicked kid's ass in madden about as bad as you did me the first time...it'll be the things that make me think...it'll be great and I'll love you forever for it...you've given me a lot, and I've tried giving you more...