I hate her, because we just don't get along, and what not...but that isn't what I came down here to talk about...I came down her to talk to Courtney...but the call was lost.
I'm sure everything will be okay for her, because it always is. I can't believe that her family would do something like that to her. I mean there are reasons and I'm completely supportive of everything she does. I'm not saying that Courtney does have problems, but I'm just saying that maybe talking to someone would be for the best. She does the best job ever at hiding everything. That's something that I know for sure. She never has any problems hiding something from someone or not telling a whole truth, unless she knows the person. But, I know for one that Courtney hurts sometimes, and Courtney feels the same way that other people do, even though it doesn't seem like that. Courtney is one of the strongest people I know, but deep down I think she might be as weak as me. And that could be a bad thing, but in most cases...well I don't know...that's where her faults lays, because she's not strong all the way through...she has major problems with everything and I know she does. I vote that you talk to someone dear, because I love you. Even if you have to call me in the middle of the night, you need to talk to me...
On the lighter note, I forgot how great it felt to play video games and get angry, seriously. Like, Bunker is slowly turning into Cody, which for me rocks...and he has a somewhat potty mouth like Tylor. I love it! It's great, but I dunno...I mean I miss them soo much, like I don't think they could ever be replaced by anything or anyone. I love them, no matter what they think. I could careless if Evan told them anything about me or what things I've done, as long as they know the truth and love me for that...but I'm scared that Evan could affect them, because of the fact that everything changes with them and that scraes me, I want them to be okay with everything. I want them to know that they can come to me and tell me they love me because I'm the only sister they have. I want them to know that I made it and I want them to know that I did it for me and for them, because if I didn't make it like I made it; I don't think that they would be making either...I mean they are a lot smarter than me, but they know they have some rough things ahead of them...they worry as much as me and more, they are worried about paying for college and they are sophomores in high school I love them for that, because without them thinking that I don't think that I'd have the faith in the them that I do in going to school and making it...I hope that they are more successsful than me, because then it'll show something, that they are stronger in groups. I had no one when I was growing up, but me becoming sucessful is all that matters to me, for them I want more, because they deserve it, they deserve it a lot. I mean that. I love them. I just want them to know it. And on top of that, I want Willow to make it, because I love her too. She's the bestest little sister ever.
On that subject, I want to be what I'm not supposed to be and that's pregnant. I'm only confessing this to this blog and Bunker. When I found out the test was a negative I was reliefed, but I wanted it to be fake. I wanted to have a kid. I really did. Dacey. Wouldn't that be a really cute name? I think so. I just wanted a baby. And I don't know why. So when my arms hurts all I think about is...why could I just throw up in the morning? I mean that. I wanted to prove that even though I still fuck up a lot, I can still do it. For really for truly. I could careless if everyone would think that I would be a horrible mother, because I don't think I would be. I just wanted that chance to finally love something more than anything in the world. I wanted the chance to start my life again, to give all of this shitty place up and what not. I wanted a chance to meet new people. I wanted to feel loved, because that's what it would be like. I wanted the support and love and I would like the attention not the negative attention, but some kind of attention. I wanted the baby, even if Matt wasn't there. I wouldn't care if we weren't a family, I just wanted it more than anything, and I know that's the worst thought in the whole entire world, but I can't help it. I know it's wrong and it would make things a lot worse than they already are, but I wanted it and what not. And Bunker had a really good explanation...I've always wanted a baby and at the chance that I could have one...it is going to hurt that you can't have that chance...even though you know it's the wrong one. It sucks...I just wanted it. It's the best thing that I'm not, but it hurts a lot...I'm going to let it go...
I want him still. Gosh!! I'm so horrible, because I just like him so much. I love being around him,I love knowing he cares (no not Matt) and all of that...everything that surrounds him as a person, he's great, kind of a dick, but really he's great. I just wish I knew what to say when I was around him by myself...why I still have to freeze up a little bit, I wish I didn't do that, but I do and it bothers me :) But that just means the obivious that I still like him a lot, I'm glad we're never going to be together, because that would just mess everything up...and that's fine...I mean...I dunno...it's confusing...no it's not...we're never going to be together, we're not together, we're friends that's that. That's all there is to it. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not that hard. I don't know what I'm talking about...I know all of this, and yet I still presist to like him. I don't know why, I wish I could be like: would you stop acting like a complete dork around this boy? And then one day I'd be like: Super! I'm not acting like a complete dork around this boy, just somewhat of a dork! Yes! I don't like him anymore! Yessss! But, that's never going to happen...well maybe one day...but not right now, considering that I could tell him anything, but I couldn't tell him about the test. Isn't that wierd...he didn't even know that I had sex...how fucked up is that...he's like: this matt guy?? What are you talking about? And what not...he like put this disgust in his name, like this guy is not worthy of him saying it...it was kind of weird, not jealously of him, just like: hmm...his this guy worthy of holliejo and what not...and is she doing the right thing?? You know, like him being someone that's going to be there for me. It's kind of strange, but I love it, because it shows that he does care about me, which is really awesome, because he rocks.
Oh man...what else can I talk about...hmm...I really don't have anything else to talk about...I mean that...everything is finally okay with everything. It's almost been a year though...I can't believe that I have only seen my mom a handful of times and only talked to her about a dozen times in the last year...with my dad is like that in almost two years...it's crazy. It means that I've only seen my little sisters once or twice in the last year too, because if you count me staying over night...then I got to see my little sisters...gosh I miss them more than anything in the world. Seriously...that's another reason why I wanted a baby, is because of the fact that I could have someone there to replace the thoughts of Jasmine and Willow and not have to worry about them anymore...I wouldn't think so much about them, because I would be to busy taking care of my little baby that I wouldn't have the time to think about them...which sucks, because I love them more than anything, and to finally give up and move on is going to be hard, because seriously everyday I wish I could kidnap them and take them to a far away place and love them forever, because that would be awesome, I know that I can't take them away from family and it's quite selfish of me for me to want them all to myself, but I know they love me. Well, Jasmine does...and I know that Willow misses me, you just have to give her time, Jazzy on the other hand, I think that she will always love me no matter what...and Willow her courosity will just kick in and she will remember me and love me again like a little sister should. I miss her more than anything...she is one of the prettiest little girls I've ever seen in my whole life...she is beatiful and smart and now she is doomed for high school drop out stoner with a kid...and no job...and it hurts, because I want to take them away from that, and make them something that's real. I want them to be like Cody and Tylor, smart and college bound and going to be sucessful at something, not just doing and dealing drugs. I love them, they can't end up being hurt. They just can't...I miss them. That's all...now lemme go to sleep and try not to cry in fear of waking up the one I hate.