I have a lot to say, but I don't know how much I will get out, because I really have to pee. But, because I decided that I have a lot to write about, I guess I will write anyways. So, today me and Matt talked. Yes, we decided to talk, I know he likes me, a lot. I know he does. But, I'm just like: hmm...because I don't know. It's just really confusing, because I like him soo much, but then I'm like: hmm, because I dunno. I mean that. I'm just sitting here trying to get everything out and there's people talking and it's annoying the piss outta me, because I just want to write what's on my mind and not get distracted. That's all. That's really it.
Question: Do I really care that much? Why or Why Not?
Answer: Yes, I do care. I don't know know how much, but at least I care. The reason because I don't know how much I care is because of the fact that I was hurt before and I've changed, like hardcore. I want to believe that I haven't changed, but I have and that's really weird for me, because I don't like change. And then, I don't know, it's so hard for me to have trust in him like I used to. I don't want to put that instant trust, because I know that I may get hurt. I know that he promises me everything is gonna be okay, but do I really want to end up crying? Like for really? I don't think soo. And then with everything going on in my life, it's gonna take some gettting used to...you know the whole boyfriend, having someone dependent on me in a completely different way than just friends. It's so hard for me to explain everything, but it's there, because you just know that this person cares about you soo much and what not, and you care too, but you're scared, because you don't know if you can handle being committed, because you know that if you do, you know that finally you're in it for the long haul and that scares the living shit outta you. The living shit, because now the relationship isn't just going to last for a month or two or three, but will prolly be more like a year or two, like a relationship that long, commited to one person, how crazy is that? Do you know how much that scares me? And then seeing him everyday is completely awesome, but I don't want to have to take care of him forever, and that's what makes it so hard, because I'm soo used to doing everything by myself and not having to worry about guys, but it's just soo hard. I don't know, I like being with him deep down, but I just have to feel it again, and I know I do when I kiss him, and I know I do when he puts his arms around me. I know that I care, it's just taking some time to get used to and I only hope that he completely understands, that's all I'm asking for is time and understanding.
Question: What are you going to do about Amanda?
Answer: At this current time I have no answer about Amanda. I'm just going to wait until after Finals week and see if she'll answer my emails or something. Because you know that's all I want. You can't tell me that she doesn't do anything like that. She can't even write me a quick email she can't even call me to say hi and apololgize. I really don't think that the internet counts as that, but you might like to think soo. Gosh, that really pisses me off, because I want her to be in my life as my best friend for a really long time, but I don't think that's gonna happen for now on. I just feel that without a doubt we are drifting and what not, and there's nothing at home that's going to comfort me now, for me and Courtney we are on totally different areas in life, for she is almost four years younger than me! That's nuts, because I don't know what to do about that, because of all of this, everything is going down hill because of home, maybe I won't go back, maybe everything will just fade off into the distance and for once I won't be the one to blame about the fact that I let the relationships go, because I'm tiring, but you just won't try either. And it hurts. Thanks for almost being there.