here's the thing. I don't blog anymore and I think that is one of the many reasons I'm always feeling this way, it kinda sorta sucks, but I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Anyways, so last night was completely fucked up and I wish that we were both drunk enough to forget about it, because guess what, that's the only thing that's been on my mind the whole day, so that kinda sucks. Don't you think? I do believe so, this sucks. Anyways, so I don't know what the hell I am doing, because I'm really really confused. I can't go talk to him, that would be crazy, because I'm just not that genius. even though, I am the biggest bestest genius in the world. It's awesomeness. But, it still sucks. Anyways, so I have no idea what else is going on or anything. Hmm..that sucks. Maybe I should do a number thing, those always work wonders for me. Yes, yes they do.

1. I have done some stupid shit in my past, some really really really stupid shit, but nothing compared to what I did in the last two weeks. I drank and enjoyed myself, half the time. Which means one weekend I had a great time, and this weekend I had a really shitty time. Each of them, though, ended in the same way. I got hurt, this means that I shouldn't drink. Correct? Correct. Anyways, no I have no idea why the hell I seem to agree to things that I shouldn't agree to. Did I have to sleep with him? No. Did I have to get back together with him? No, but everyone knew it was going to happen. Did I have to sit on his lap? No. Did I have to have him take care of me? No, but I shouldn't have let it get that far. Did I have to start crying? No, but I couldn't contain myself and my emotions any longer. Did I have to drink? No, and that is the key thing. I have no idea why I do the things I do, I could be completely sober, although in this case I wasn't, but yeah. Anyways, when I am drunk, I have come to the conclusion that I do really really stupid shit. Shit that I shouldn't even have thought about doing, but do now. Anways, this is about me getting hurt when I drink. The fact is that I'm much more open when I am drunk and I shouldn't be. But, the thing about it too is that I have no idea what I was going to say. But, in both cases I was drunk as the person I was whatever-ing with and what, so I mean...I dunno...it's crazy.
2. Friends Don't Let Friends Get Really Drunk. Manda takes care of me. She makes sure that I'm fine and that I'm still fine. But, lately we didn't talk at all. We just kinda sat around and what not. She had a lot of things to do and what not, so I got freaked out, like really really really really freaked out, I didn't know what I was doing and what not, I thought that she was mad at me and didn't want to talk to me anymore so that I was kind of scary and what not. So, this is my best friend not talking to me, I was slighly freaked out when I did not hear from her in a really long time. I didn't know what to do, I was really scared and what not, because I mean she's my best friend and I really didn't want to lose her, because she's really awesome. So, when she wasn't contacting me in any way, shape or form I was terrified. So, I yelled and screamed at her, because I didn't feel like being nice at all. I just wanted to tell her that I hated her for not calling and not even saying hi or anything, I was just so angry. I didn't know what the hell to do. I was soo worried about everything, but I know now that everything is okay and what not and everything is going to be okay. Because I talked to her and told her how sorry I was and all of that. I didn't know what the hell I was thinking about the worse for, because I should have known better than to do that. you know? Like I'm not sure why I thought everything had to be so horrible, why couldn't I just be cool with everything? I don't know. I mean that. I just feel like I was really stupid and what not. I don't know.
3. I like to feel loved, even if it's a mistake in the end. I love the way people are holding you and everything. I don't mean just him, I mean like all guys, even if they are doing it just to make you feel better and they are never going to talk to you again, just so that for a split second you feel something more than the hate they have for you or the confusion that is in your head gets a little more clear, just a little. And then I don't know. it's all really confusing for me. I know that I rather be used and what not, than have a real relationship, because of the fact that I don't know what to do in a real relationship. I get so used and beat up over everythign that I have no idea what the hell I am doing about anything, so I just like to give up. I got a lost train of though. Damnit. It's fine though I guess. I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, I gave up. more on this later. Bye.