Time to get my shit straight and begin thinking about everything and anything, you see here’s the thing. They still talk about me and what not and still talk about me. That is fine because they are little bitches and what not. It kind of angers me when I come to find out that they are still talking about me and know what is going on. RAH! It just really pisses me off. What are you supposed to do? Anyways, so here’s the thing. They both know that I really like the boy that I like and what not. And what the hell is wrong with liking the boy that I like. Well, here’s the thing. He’s a really good friend and I would be terrified to tell him that I liked him, well because that isn’t the way things are supposed to work. Anyways, so I really don’t know if I should tell him or if I should just let it all go and pretend that I don’t like him and what not. All I know is that I’m not going to say anything to anyone about it, even though I know that McKenzie is going to say something to someone about it. I can’t believe that I told her something about it. God damn it. I’m so pissed off right now at her. I really don’t like her and I don’t think that I will ever like her. I think I have just created a plan to use to tell him. Mmk? Ready here’s the thing: I’ll tell him that I’m having problems with McKenzie and trust and what not. I’ll be like: so I like this boy and what not and I mean I don’t know why I like him, but that’s besides the point and I told her, because well I only wanted to tell one person, but then another person came in and I told her and then I asked someone else for their advice, and then I told McKenzie…and two out of the four people that I told I can’t really trust. I mean it’s not going to get to the guy, but it’s going to get to other people, that I really don’t want to know…hmm…so there’s my problem. And then I’ll be like: so…what can I do to get more trust in our relationship, blah blah blah and all of that. And then! On top of that he might just decide to ask me who I like: and I’ll be like…oh you don’t know him and what not…but that’s not part of the plan, that would ruin the plan…I don’t know I’d have to say something of importance to make him think about it. All in all I give up and I’m not telling and I’m not saying anything about anything anymore, because I can’t trust people with anything.
Anyways, so here’s the thing: I haven’t wrote in like forever. That’s why I’m here typing my little heart out and what not, because I think that’s what is best for me in the current situation that I am currently in, and well because I can. =) Anyways, so I have no idea what to talk about, because I really don’t have anything to talk about. Well that’s kind of a lie because you can really think about everything and what not and you can be like: wow holliejo you’re life is changing at warp speed, even though it doesn’t seem like it. Everything I knew before is completely different. I don’t feel what I thought I felt. It seems like everything is falling apart because I don’t know why. UGH. Everything is more about me and not about others. I mean I love everyone to death, but it isn’t my main goal to make sure that everything is okay with everyone else. I mean it. I don’t like hearing about everyone else and their little problems, because they aren’t mine. I can tell that Amanda and I have grown somewhat apart. There is something there that wasn’t there before. I just don’t think that we’re going to be friends before like promised. I’m at that point in my life where everything is just a lot different than what it was before, because frankly I know that I have changed and what not…I really don’t care that I have changed all that much, just to know that I have is all that counts. I mean I don’t know how I’ve changed, but I know that I have. I don’t really feel all that close to certain people but other people I could tell anything to, that I couldn’t tell before. I don’t know why I feel this way around certain people and different around others. There was this point where I wanted to tell the world how I felt and why I felt this way, now I don’t want to, because I feel that I’m already being myself by just doing what I think is best for myself. I really don’t care if you are completely different from me, I mean if you respect me for who I am and what not, I’ll totally respect you. But, when you’re like that and what not and you don’t respect anything about me, then you have to go. Because that’s what you’re doing now. You think about yourself too much and what not and you don’t realize that you don’t care about people around you. It’s all eyes on you all the time everyday, even on holidays. You’re like the bitch that never sleeps, because if she sleeps then she doesn’t know what’s going on or who might be talking about her, and you can’t be having that, because you have to know everything before it even happens. I could almost promise you that you will talk about me today and how I’m just not anything of anything, because I’m holliejo and I’m nothing like you, because of some stupid reason. And guess what I’m fine with that, because fuck you. I really don’t want to be like you, anyone that is like you, that’s fucking insane. No one should want to be like you, because of the way you are. Yeah, you have some good qualities and what not, but you’re not someone that I want to be friends with and what not. You don’t give anyone the time of day, unless they are someone like you. That’s why you and the other one, who is almost like you, get along so well. You know that right? It’s all about you all the time, no one else and what not….and you could really careless about anyone else, because that’s the way you are. And guess what I’m fine with that, but just don’t get your nose up in my shit even if I do talk about it. You’re a bitch and no matter what. I really don’t like you. And that’s just the way it’s going to be always and forever. God you’re a fucking bitch.
*Sigh* That felt really really good to get out. I mean it. I can’t believe that after everything, even when we talked, I still feel that way. Damn it to hell. I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do all this year. Junk, junk, double junk. I wish I just could be like: Guess what McKenzie I don’t like you. But, you can’t do that to someone that YOU LIVE WITH!! OH NO!! Because then she’d be like: good because I DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER! And then guess what: It’d be great, because we both know that were two totally different people and neither of us would rather hang out with the other one. That’s not who we were in high school and it’s not who we are in college, because guess what? Neither of us, yes I said US! Isn’t a big enough person to drop whatever we had against people like us when we moved to college, isn’t that a nice thought? And I mean I could deal with her for the longest time, but now, I’m like no no no. I don’t want to deal with this, she can just go and find someone else to live with, because I don’t really like her, at all. Period, point blank, I can’t stand McKenzie. No nope nope. Just can’t do it anymore. *Sigh*
So, what do you do when all you want to do is find out what is going on and why you feel this way? I have no idea, because I’m the one asking the question because guess what I can! Anyways, what else can I talk about? I feel so good about writing all of this stuff. Oh!! Oh!! Oh!! I have something; holliejo has something!!! Horrah!! Anyways, so here it goes: no matter how many times I say, “I’m not going to take the signs that you give me as something.” I do. Can you believe it? Yeah, you probably can, because I’m holliejo. So, here’s the thing. There are all kinds of signs that people can give you to tell you something. And well I think that I could have been receiving signs from someone, even though I highly doubt it, that’s why I think that I shouldn’t have been looking for the signs, because you know, I doubt that this person feels the same way, although…no holliejo. I don’t know what to do. I just want to tell him, “Boy, I like you.” But, it’s a lot harder than that, because well…you just can’t go around telling people that you like them, especially when they are your friends. That just doesn’t go right for me, anyways. So, what can holliejo do? Well, I guess she can just wait it out and talk to him more and find out what he’s like and if I’m getting better vibes from him and what not, or I could just do nothing about it and just live my life and not find out anything, only to realize that he likes me and he’s about as chicken shit as me to tell me, wouldn’t that be nice? I think not! So, I must tell him, but not now and not for a little bit, maybe I’ll just talk to him so more and what not and find out what’s going through his little head. I don’t know, this is all so confusing and what not and why does holliejo have to get so confused about the littlest things? It shouldn’t have to happen that way, but for me I guess that’s the way it’s always going to be.