Why can't I get home...or at least see the people that I care most about? I mean come on. I really want to go home and just be like: Mom please cook some tator tot casserole and make everything all better. I want to play video games with Tylor and Cody and I want to see my dog and my cat, Romeo. I want to hold him like there's no tomorrow. And most of all I just want to sit in my room and cry because I'm scared that I'm not going to make it. But, I can't, because now that I'm a big girl...well hell I can't because of the fact that I'm not even allowed into my "home" that was my home for awhile. But, I mean I could get most of it from my Grandma's house, but sorta. Anyway...so I'm sitting here thinking and realizing that even the most unhappy people are happy sometimes. Because I mean...this guy, George, well he doesn't think to happy about everything. He's had a hard time in life and he said he doesn't like going home. But, today when his family was here to visit he seemed happy...like everything was okay happy. Like a "I'm going to make it" happy. But, me I can't get that Happy like I want to get. I don't know why, but for some reason I can't. No matter what. I mean I won't get the happy when the people that quote on quote care about me come down to see me. This means that when my mom, Grandma, Grandpa, Cody and/or Tylor come down I won't feel anything. I mean...maybe most likely with Amanda and what not...but I mean that's different. This was George's Family...not just friends. It pisses me off because I just want that. And no matter what I can't have that. I won't ever get that. That bothers me, because why couldn't I have a family through life that actually wanted me to do something with my life? Why! I want that soo bad and I can't have it. It sucks. Because what about when I get married...there's no point in having my picture perfect wedding because well...there'd be no one there on my side to love and congratulate me on my outstanding love for this guy and the fact that I'm bonding myself to him always and forever. But, you know what that means...that almost everyone in my family has divorced...so the love is going to be short lived...which kind of sucks, because I don't want to be like my family. Ever...never ever. Why should I be like my family? I mean there's nothing to show for it. I mean only like me and my aunt have gone to school and what not...that totally sucks. I don't really count my Dad's side of the family. I don't talk to my mom, much. umm...what else. Well My Grandpa kind of cut me off from a lot of things...and my brothers...well they're just so much better than me that well...they're going to a better school and do so much better than me. And everyone loves them, becasue they can do no wrong. ever. What. The. Fuck. Tylor's pissed around with drugs. Cody's a complete dick sometimes. But, that doesn't mean anything, I suppose. I just wish that they could keep their shit straight just long enough to leave and never come back. I mean it. Never come back. Take no bonds with them, because they need to do better than I did. I wasn't supposed to want to come back, but look at me. That's the one thing I want to do. I don't want that for the boys. They need more to life, that what I've had. I don't know what to say about them. I love them to death and hope for the best for the both of them. But, I mean they're gonna get so much more than me. Which is fine, but I mean I want them to do it just like I did. Pretty God Damn Rockin. Because I rocked hard to get where I got. But, I mean I don't want them to piss with Evan because that'll stop everything. I want them just to ignore him for the next 2 years and a half, just please do it for me? That'd be a nice thought. But, anyway...I must be going. I have to check my fin. aid and shit.
holliejo :)