Saturday, September 11, 2004
Anything And Everything
Why did you say what you said? I don't even know you. Were you trying to snap his brain into his head so he could remember whatever happened. Which, wow...little do you know that nothing did happen. Nothing at all. We talked. That's it. But, you know I have the rep of a slut, because well let's fact it: Hollie Likes Sex. Sex Is Fun. Hollie Likes Fun. Hollie Is Going To Have Sex To Have Fun. That's what you all think, but how much of it is true? All of it of course, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to act on it with every Tom, Dick, and Harry in this freaking dorm or even all over campus. Fucking Christ people. I was told last night that this was nothing like high school that everyone gets along with everyone, so why make me feel like shit? Huh. Just like high school only worse. Why is it that I trust him, but then he pushes me away. Could it be that he is just like me in every way possible, only more complex because he has been through so much more? Could it? More than likely. Why is it that I don't like it here today, right now, there's nothing more I want to do than transfer back to Richland Center today. Right now. And skip a semester and not work and do nothing and what not and then go back to school in the spring? Why? Why? Why? I have so many whys in my life that I'm getting really sick of them. I don't want to have to deal with the whys, or at least give me some reasons for my whys. Just not constant whys and leaving me looking for answers. I hate this place right now. Why would she say something like that. I'm not going to approach her, fuck that shit. She's a bitch. I know she is. I can feel it. I'm not stupid, people down here, well like 2 people can see that. Most think that I'm a stupid dumb girl that has nothing better to do than have sex and be stupid. But, the people that do know most likely don't remember or don't want to talk about it. Because he's only nice when he's drunk/drinking because he can't show that he's weak. If he showed that he was weak it would give people something to say. Guys can't be weak at anytime. But, deep down, because drinking brings out the truth in people (this I know from many years), he's nice and caring and would like nothing better than to find out what he's here for and why he has this thing where he can figure people out. He hates it sometimes. He doesn't like seeing the people that are happy and cheery and perfect. He knows that they are fake and he knows that they hurt and that bothers him, but only when he's drinking. Also, then he sees right through my lies. Right through everything that I could ever have done to anyone. How many freaking people know that I "get off" on making people hurt? How many? Not that many. And the fact that I had just met this guy; he "knew" nothing about me. He "knew" nothing, just my name. Not even my birthplace, bday, anything. But, he knew. That's amazing. I love his skilla and the fact that I have instant trust in him for many reasons. Because I know that he is trying to make himself cold-hearted because he doesn't want to seem soft. I tried to do that. I know that he really really hates a few people in his life more than anything in the world. I know he says hate doesn't exist, but if I can have it it's possible. He knows that he doesn't want to hurt them, but that doesn't mean that he can't have any negative feelings. Basically he's numb to them. But, he's also numb to others. Others that are numb to people have problems with coping and change. Because I try to be numb towards others. I understand that no one is the same, but you also know that some people are the same with certain things. It's all hard to explain but I know what's going on in my head. I can't believe that she did that. For everytime I say I hate towards something or someone it's not really hate. I could never hate anyone. It's actually being really really fustrated with the sitaution. I know that sounds really corny, but it's actaully really true. This whole day, starting last night has been really confusing and I've learned a lot. I mean it. I used to talk about how I was going to change in college and what not and when I got down here I forgot about it, because I didn't reinforce it with myself. So that can't be good. So, then last night I told two people basically my life story. One remembers, the other I'm not talking to until whenever. But, the one, who I was talking to before. George*(name change) was the one who could read me. And he knew I had problems before I even told him. The other one ended up having some problems, but I mean I didn't really listen because I was to busy thinking about other things. I have no idea what made myself think those things. But, I know that nothing will come of it. What's even funnier, is that I haven't talk to the other guy, from whatever fucking dorm that is down the street in like 2 days. Fucker. I can't believe that. Awww well...it's kinda a funny fucked up story. Then, what else. I have no idea, but pouring myself out and George telling me that I have support here, because they are going to be like my family made me really think. I really think that they will be if I give them a chance. I'm willing to give them a chance because I know that I have no where else to go right now. I don't have a ride home, I really don't have a person to come get me and take me home. And I have to work in the morning. So, right there...those are the reasons that I have to trust George and make the most out of everything. Because if I don't, then I have no idea what I'm going to do. Wow. I have reasons for my whys. I guess school isn't going to be that bad. I mean I know it's going to be tough to find people that I get along with and can almost trust, but for right now there has already been people that have talked behind my back and told people all about me and the boy from down the freaking street. What. The. Fuck. Awww well what can you do? Nothing, much. Anyway. That's about it. I really have to shower and do something...like homework or at least a load of laundry later. I have nothing better to do and what not, because I'm a freaking loser!! I love this place not that much, no not at all. I don't know why I hate this place so much. Because maybe I don't like change. I have no idea. Maybe because I don't find myself clicking with all but a few people, until later. I just wish I knew how much later was. I hate my past and like George said, you can't tell the future so start with the past. I can't tell people my past, but I think that I'm going to have to start. But, then he also said that this was a new life. Something that no one can touch or make bad, because you are the way you are and through everything you've been able to make a new life. That's what happened. I just figured it out. God, yes I said God, long long long story. God made it so I would have a really horrible life (in my eyes) for the longest time, so that I would learn lessons and learn from my mistakes, become stronger and able to deal with problems that I'm faced with, he also tried to make it possible for me to cope with change from moving so much and having my dad's many girlfriends, he also set the course for me while my brothers were growing up because I had to teach my brothers what I learned and had to be there to support them. So, after I did all of these things, accomplished a lot more than I ever thought was possible. I was given the chance to start new, but with a headstart because I know what to expect from people. :) This is me, now.
# posted by ojeilloh : 1:03 PM
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