Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Sometimes, I Hate You More Than Anything
Yesterday was my bday and it was a great bday at that, if I have anything to say about it. I went to see some football practice and Manda got me some kick ass gifts and Cindy bought an ice cream cake (mmm...yummy) I love it. I just want you all to know that. But, at football practice I realized that they didn't do any hitting drills and it pissed me off, because I happen to love that sound of the boys hitting each other, cuz there's just so much going on and what not, but anyway, so that really isn't a good thing to think about, because we need all the guys we have, ya know? I think you would if you went to my school, where half the boys are out for football and there's only 34?? maybe out?? Yeah, my high school is deprived. And now it is short another great person, and of course that is me! mwhahaha...no I kid I kid. But, for really now, I went there and I sat and thought about everything and was like: holy junkaroni I'm not gonna be back for any football games or whatever, and these practices are all I have and I think it's kinda scary thinking about, because you realize that this is all you're gonna have for awhile. But, other than that, I talked to Mr. Rice-a-roni and thought about everything, and I was kinda like: hmmm...we're kinda drifting apart or whatever, but I know that he wishes me the best and I know that he wants me to do it as much as everyone else, so that means the world to me, and he knows what makes me happy and he knows what I'm gonna do, and he knows a lot of things about me, and I love him for that. He's the best teacher in the world and I think about him everyday and he set my carreer path down for me, and I love him more for that than anything. But, yeah and then there's Nic, who I don't really talk about anymore, just because of everything and that just was like: hmm...I don't feel anything at all last night, so that was totally rocking, in fact I didn't even feel attached to anyone, I mean there's manda and courtney, but not really anyone else. Do you realize that? Everyone wants to take a relationship with me, and I look around and I'm like: hmm...you think I'm taking you with me, but I'm not, and I want you to know that. I know that sounds really bad or whatever, but it's the truth. I love everyone and what not, but you really aren't part of my life anymore. I mean it's that easy I wish that everyone could really understand, and I'm sure that you'll all get it. I'll come back and you'll be part of my life for the 48 hours that I'm visiting, and then it'll go back to normal. I'll be the holliejo that you all loved and come to know and then I'll be gone again, back to school starting my new life. It's not that I do wanna forget about all of you, no that's not it at all, but what it is, is this: the more relationships I take with me the more relationships I have to maintain and the more I have to maintain is gonna make me think about everything about "home" and I'm not gonna want that, because as much as I would love to come back and what not and spend my life here is just as much as I wanna be gone and never come back, ya know? Because once I come back it's gonna be back to square one when I get back to UWP, because if you think about it, I'll have all of you back in my life and I'll be like: oh no, I miss y'all again. It's just easier this way. I still care, I'm just not attached. I could never stop caring about anyone, ever. I just can't have myself attached to everyone. That's all.
# posted by ojeilloh : 3:06 PM
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