Tuesday, August 10, 2004
She will be loved, I love this song. I'm so glad Amanda dowloaded it. :D I dunno dudes, I'm leaving ever so soon...it's really scary ya know? Like everyone knows that I fear change and what not, so you all know that everything that has to deal with change is super hard. I guess all through high school the one thing that was never hard for me was going to a different grade. I know that sounds pretty stupid and what not, but my fear of change is like: servere case of Fear Of Change. It sucks ya know? Like I would do anything to make sure I was fine. But, it's super hard, I mean last night I had a dream about the pep band and how I once again convinced them to play me Danger Zone, but there wasn't anyone playing it, just Heather and Hidi and then Patrick was for some reason all about it...and he played me Danger Zone then broke off a kick ass cadence. I totally flipped out (imagine that) and I was like: oh man oh man...and I ran around and what not...and screamed and I was the happiest girl in the world. And I woke up and realized that that is never gonna happen again, ever. I graduated from high school and that's one of the biggest changes I've ever had. I'm not ready to grow up and be a grown up and do things on my own. I mean I know I can, but it scares the living shit out of me, it's just the change aspect of it, that's really all. I mean...nothing else scares me that much. I can do it all, I know...I'm ready to go to work everyday the rest of my life and have a steady income and have tons of other things, like a family, house, car, dogs, cats, husband, everything, but that's all change. I know it sounds good on paper, and what not...maybe that's my problem, I say everything and don't do anything about it. I wish that I could change everything. I wish I would of failed high school, just to come back one more year. I'm not ready, even though deep down maybe I am. But, everything is sooo scary. This is really hard to explain and what not, but it all has to deal with the fact that change is coming and I don't want to have any part of it, because I jus want to go back to high school and do that again and again. I realized also, that Mr. Rice isn't gonna be there, and either is Durkin or Lord or dare I say Donahoe. This freaks me out, the teachers that have brought me this far basically by no choice had to let me go and what not, I don't want them to though, like Mr. Rice, he's the best, I'm gonna miss him soo much. I wish that I could tell him and make him understand that if I could kipnap him and take him with me to teach me everything, I totally would :D And then there's Durkin who understood tons about me and made sure that I knew what was going on and was always supportive and proud of me when I made good decisions. And then Donahoe, haha...he passed me. I failed Geometry, I shouldn't be going to Plattevile this year, Donahoe passed me folks. I failed Geometry. Wow...he's the best, but I realized that he passed me, because of the fact that he knew that I can do it. I remember on the day I was gonna tell him that I was gonna take the Final Exam for Geo. he just looked at me and said something like: we can figure somemthing out. I didn't realize that it included passing me. really I didn't. Wow. And then the last thing he told me as a teacher: See ya on Sunday. Yeah, he knew all along that I could do it, he just didn't force me to or anything. He knew I was to lazy to do the work, and he let me fail, but I think he knew something in me. I didn't really try and what not, I wish I woulda tried at least a bit harder, but I learned somethings. That's good right? I think so. I'd do anything to take Geometry over, just to pass or something. I dunno....it's pretty freaky shit if I must say soo. But anyway. I just want you to know that I really like you, and you're not gonna read this shit anyway, but maybe by a chance that one day you ever did come across this, that you would find it amusing in some sort. No I'm not talking about Donahoe, I'm talking about Patrick. I never will tell you I like you in fear that I'll ruin our "relationship" which on good days he actually talks to me and asks me questions and offers a lot more support than most. He's someone that I'll think about for the first month...and then like everyone else just slowly drift to the wayside, only to be thought of when I either see him or whever something that reminds me of him is brought up, where in his case haha...Danger Zone, Drumsticks, TriToms, The Snare, and Paintball are all included. [EDITED] I mean yeah...those are tons of things that are prolly not gonna leave me for awhile, which kinda sucks. But, I mean that other guy [Nic] he kinda just drifted away too, you don't really hear me talking/thinking about him very much anymore, which is kinda weird, because that was one of my biggest crushes and what not. And look at us now, we really aren't anything to talk about, in fact he just kinda got dropped off at the wayside and I don't even talk to him anymore. So, that's what's gonna happen to a lot of people. It's really weird to think about, because I just thought that wouldn't happen, but it did. So, yeah...but what can you do? I mean not much, and I doubt that I would change anything right now. I would love to change it sometimes, but most of the time. I don't think I can, ya know? I dunno...I guess it's really hard for me to explain a lot of things to other people, you just have to be like: huh with me most of the time. I know it's kinda hard, but that's what you have to do.
# posted by ojeilloh : 3:18 PM
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