Wednesday, August 18, 2004
I Told Her I Loved Here And I Meant It
I told my mom today that I loved her on the phone. She said it first and what not and it used just to be a reaction that didn't really mean anything, but tonight it was different. I meant it. And I'm soo happy that they are proud of me. Well, at least my brother and my mom are. And I'm sure that Cody is too. If I can do it I know that Tylor and Cody will be far beyond me in the next 3 years of their school. They have a good head on them, and I'm gonna miss them. Forever and ever. It's gonna be so hard for me to just leave them. I didn't ever know what I was thinking when I told her I didn't love her, I didn't love Evan. It was all him. I don't understand. I know that my mom and I have different views and they we are completely diferent, but that doesn't mean that I can't love her. I don't ever know why I didn't think I loved her, I just thought I didn't. It was all Evan, always Evan. I hate Evan more than anything in the world. Imagine my love for food or something like that, and then get hate just as much that's what I feel for Evan. I know that the people that know me and read this will understand, but whatever. I just hate him for whatever he's done to me in the last how ever many years, but then I just want him to know that he's the reason I'm the way I am today, does he realize that, probably not, but the thought is great. Because he thought I was always weak and not worth anything, but instead I ended up to be just the opposite and a good opposite at that. He's the reason for me to be extremely angry and hurt and sad, but he's also the reason why I'm going to shine and make it through whatever I have in my way. Because he showed me a lot of things about life and how it all works, but then he also showed me not to give in, because he never did with me. He never decided to stop hurting me and he never decided to stop telling me "no". So now, I'm gonna be the same way, but I'm not gonna hurt others, I'm gonna tell myself that I can do it and I'm not gonna give in, because I can't. I have to prove to Evan and more importantly myself that I can do whatever the fuck I want and that I'm something more than what he ever thought me as. So, as I sit here and think about everything and how much I'm gonna miss my mom and how much I actually love her more than she could ever know. And everything else, like how I messed up my relationship with my brothers and how I'm not gonna be remember by my little sisters and how I'm gonna be gone for the longest time and the only friends that I'm gonna have when I come back to visit is Amanda and Courtney is really hard, but then I look forward and realize that the last years were the years that were super hard and they showed me at my worse and I can only hope that the future is as bright as I hope it to be. Because for once everything is good and I finally feel like I've done something right. My lose ends are getting tied up and everything is coming into place. It's amazing how everything is finally working out, it's almost like this is what what was planned for me all along. Set me up and make me fail when I was little, put me through my version of hell and let me succeed. And to think, my life is just beginning, I just now became an adult, there's so much out there for me. It's really scary and exciting. I think I'm ready, I tell myself I'm ready. Everyone tells me I'm ready. It's kinda hard to think and believe that I'm not ready. But...I know deep down I am, as the next week and a half are passing me by the end of a part of me is coming to a close; only to bring a bright and better future. I love you mom, thank you for everything. I love you Tylor, you're the best, well you can't have a favorite when your only brothers are twins. So I love you Cody, not more than your brother and never less, but just know that I love you more than anything, and I'm not gonna ever think otherwise. He can't do anything to me anymore, he won't be able to do anything to you soon, hang in there I'll always be there no matter what. I'd walk forever for you. I'd do anything for you two, I love you.
# posted by ojeilloh : 6:53 PM
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