So sick of everything...you know...like I can't bloody deal with it...I'd rather have something else...because well you know...I would rather have a new living space too. Well becaue everything is so messed up right now...and I just cna't deal with everything...you know?? Like I can't deal with my Gram and what not...because she just drives me nuts...and that is crazy. And she is just: rah...and my aunt [which ALSO lives with me] is just as bad. I mean I get so sick of everything and what not...and I can't bloody deal with that in itself...which it just drives me nuts...I'm stuck going to a grungy library everyday after school to do nothing accept just sit and do nothing...which blows just as bad...and I dislike that. But, yeah...I just dislike here and I'm getting throughly sick of it...I mean I understand that I'm better off and stuff...but like...I just can't deal with it...I get so sick of everything that they do because it just drives me nuts...and yeah...and on top of that...they just...oh my Aunt is so fricked up in the head...it isn't even funny...and I get no time by myself and they freak out over the smallest things and they just freak out and it just makes me so pissed off....and I RAH. You know?? Like they don't understand...they don't get the whole "emotion" thing...they don't understand my mood swings...I mean they just don't. I mean you try and sleeping on a couch for a month and a half...having all of your stuff being able to be packed into a freaking duffel bag...knowing that your Grandma going to flip out because there is hair on the floor and you got the towel soaked from taking a bath with to much water...not being able to just sit back and relax...and having a headache from having your aunt rewind and fast forward episodes of "The Newlyweds" because she has no life...plus I mean on top of that...they think that my life is nothing more than just a bunch of crap which blows...I mean for really. I mean when I was telling the story of how I told wow boy I liked him: afterwards my aunt was like: and what'd he say: I don't care??" I mean come on...then I have to put up with the whole idea of them dislike blacks and gays...so when gram sees to black guys getting married...she reaks out. Which in my case should be perfectly legal...I mean oh I just can't bloody deal with it...they just piss me off...I mean I know some of my habits get on their nerves...but please I'm seventeen...oh and then my aunt has some problem living through me...or tries to get info out of me when I'm talking to Courtney or Ashley...what'd they eat?? what'd they do this weekend? did you talk to them at school?? What's it matter that I talked to them during schoool?? And what is it to you that I talk to them?? I mean really?? I just don't understand that...oh an dnow we are going to talk about Nic and what is going on with him. He was being his "normal" self [quiet, shy...umm...nothing out of the ordinary] but me...yes me...I must say I totally messed everything up. I mean I just got all flustered and I didn't want to talk to him...I shoulda stayed home...but yeah...and then he tried to say soemthing to me eighth [spelling] and I was like: don't talk to me...I'm pissed. He prolly took it quite literally...I'm so screwed. I feel so bad about everything because I didn't need him all pissed off at me...I mean honestly he is great and all and I want something to happen but like eerything is just so bad...and I'm getting so sick of it...you know?? Like I just can't believe that I messed everything up...you know?? Like I'm getting so sick of everything and what not...I mean for really. I think it could be PMS and the fact that I haven't...I dunno...but yeah...I'm just so sick of everything and anything that has to do with anybody...and I mean for really...okay...but yeah...I'm just really thinking about everything, too. I mean oh...[ the thing right now is about a guy from the library:this guy just drives me nuts...he is here more than me...and he smells horrible...and it pisses me off...] now we are back to Nic.but for really... I just dunno what to do...I really don't...I mean I just can't believe this...he asked me how I did on my Geo. test which is nice enough...even though he knew I failed...which maybe he had some kind of hope that I didn't fail...which would be hella cool to think about...but yeah...it prolly isn't true...which totally pisses me off...today though...Vicki was so cute...I was like: yeah...I barely talked to him today...and I told her what we talked about [there was nothing] and she was like: You are progressing very fast now are you?? Get it while the iron's hot. And I was like: okay...so I can't bloody read him anymore...because he sends me no messages...umm...I'm really shy...and he is really shy too...what is there to do?? HUH??? I dunno...I'm just totally freaked out about everything...and what not...but yeah...I have prolly tne minutes before I have to go...but yeah...I dunno. I have to take my Placement exams this weekend and that's going to suck majorly...because well yeah...and if my "friend" doesn't hurry up I'm not going on my mini-vacation no matter what...because there is no way in hell that I'll go on a vacation with it...not matter what you say about Tampons and shit...oh freaking well...I'm so hella pissed...I really am...I just can't believe everything in this world is like this right now...I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore...for really...I just don't want to...I just want to have to do nothing becasue I just can't do it anymore...like for really...like I just want to do nothing because that is the way that I work I mean for really. I just dunno...I mean Rah...but yeah...I'm out.

I wish I could just tell you how I feel with out getting all flustered and freaked...and I wish I could tell you how good you smell everyday of the week...even if I can't smell because I know that you do smell good...and I wish that I could just be at peace with everything...and be some what happy and pleased with myself for moment...becuase then I would be happy with the fact that I could just be happy...but yeah...I think I'm out.