Things that are wrong in my life right now:
1) Science fair, March 25, doing project on blood pressure...lost all data.
2) Geometry Test tomorrow...a year and half behind the rest of the class [or so he says]
3) Worried about my brothers, Cody and Tylor, ends up...if "mom" gets sentenced...Evan will keep them.
4) Mom going to trial...enough said
5) Will have to testify...crap on a stick
6) Don't have the guts to tell FiveFingers that I like him...and want to have...yeah...you get it.
7) Worried about everything...can't fail anything this quarter, which ends: March 31
8) Don't want to go to school anymore
9) Scholarships due...ASAP
10) I just wish I could lose at least 3 pounds...instead of gaining
11) Doing everything in science fair...getting pissed off
12) Worrying about everything
13) Getting pissed off at people who are nice to me...just because I have something they want
14) People that tell me: Well...if you think you got it bad now...I don't know what you will be like in ten years...frankly in ten freaking years...I'll be better off...because I doubt I will get the shit my whole life...but if everything is rough...I'll take the easy way out...because I'm sick of taking shit.
15) Gurls in my class thinking there are top shit just because they're seniors
16) People taking shit about my brothers...they hide everything really well...and I just wish for a second I could know what is going through their head.
17) That's all I can think of
18) Having that problem...of procrasitation...because well...I was supposed to email this one person...haven't yet...fuck
19) Being sick

I just haven't had time to do anything that will help me...in any way. I mean I haven't read or wrote anything in the longest time. I think I smell something nasty and I hope it isn't me. But, anyway...yeah...I mean I don't have anyone in my life right now that would help me with anything...I mean the one person that helped me the most...and I'm just starting to realize this...is the one person that I'll never get to talk to again. For the last month I haven't had a mom. I mean how many people in this world...can actually say: I don't have a mom. I mean...around here. I mean everyone has a mom...some have two...but me...I've had this mom in my life for the last 17 years...and she's stood by me all 17...until about a month ago. When I told here that I didn't love her...I could see everything in her eyes go to hell. She helped me out soo much...and she was there for all those times...when I didn't realize it. I always compared myself to everyone elses' mom. Never once did I look at my mom and say: Boy...even though she drinks soo much...she would always try her best to do whatever she could for us. And the sad thing was: I never once saw it...I never once realized what she has done for me in the last 17 years...I really haven't and that is the saddest part...I really don't know right now what to think. I mean I don't love her...and I never will. But, still she loved me...and that is what counted. I mean...you should of saw her eyes...her eyes when I told her...lost something...you could just tell...and then they were replaced with hate...instantly. She just knew...and then I freaked. I mean...I didn't love her. I didn't love Evan...but he claimed he did [whole nother story]. I've repressed almost everything about that night...the things that meant something to me...everything else is gone...there is no...pain in that night...I just remember...bits and pieces...that's all...I don't remember when she hit me...I just remember words...I don't remember getting to the phone...just hearing the dial tone and the tone of 9-1-1...I don't remember Evan standing there watching...but I know that he did. I remember thinking...I was going to die...and that was all there was to it. I just remember thinking...my brothers are in the rooms next to me...but Evan was there gaurding the door...I just remember Willow and Jasmine...I remember thinking...it's to late to apologize to everyone...I remember when I thought it was ever so cool for your life to flash in front of your eyes...I can tell you one thing: it's not. It really isn't...because I didn't have a life...there is nothing in me right now...besides Jasmine and Willow...that was it...and my brothers...there was nothing else...I really mean that. I just saw them...like a fast moving picture...running around...my brothers and I playing N64...doing cheats on Vice City...holding my little sister while watching some movie...that was all I had...nothing else...there wasn't really anything...that was it. I just...saw it...and it freaked me out. Because I was crunched in a corner...and I just remember: This is it...I'll never get to be happy...because my mom and he asshole boyfriend are going to beat me to death. That was it...and my brothers won't be able to do anything. They'll hear me...everything...I wish I could say that my "will to live" kicked in...but it didn't nothing kicked in, but I know why...because all of those years when I heard my mom getting hit...I knew that Evan was stronger than me...Mom was stronger than me...I didn't have hope. Nothing...