I'm in a writing mood...how can I tell? My hands are shaking from not holding a pencil and the thoughts in my head are nothing more than a jumble of things that need to be released. This morning and last night the thoughts of things that have happened to me ran through my head. I now realize that nothing is fair...even for the great people in our world. You don't get to choose if you are going to get something special...and you don't get to choose for something horrible. You just get put here without anything, and without that anything...you get molded and make it into something. How do you making nothing into something is beyond my reason. But I think all of the feelings that make you into who you are has something to do with it. I feel that my life, without a doubt, is just a front that I could of made into something great, but now with everything that has happened I have no choice but to live with the sadness I feel everyday. I don't know, I mean I understand why I feel this way...I really do, but something within me is not letting this out. It feels like somehting within me is telling me to do something more than this blog. Let it out into something that no one can read. Something that lets it all out, but yet something that keeps it all in. Why do you ask I'm feeling this way...for it is the feeling within that tells me what to do...I have no choices, reasons, or whys. Just do this, no reason, and just because.

What makes everything so hard? Honestly...nothing is easy anymore. I think it was never easy, but somehow this thing inside allowed something to happen, something that make invisible to hard things, something that allowed me to not worry about school and stuff, but then, now, I have to worry...something inside me is like "Hollie now you have to worry...your life depends on what you do now and what you do later. Nothing is going to be able to stop you. You have no choice but to do great at something."

And lately something has been eating at me more than ever. Do I really need someone. Do I really need to have to worry about what is going on with us? I don't know if I'm ready to do this again. I lub that person to death, but I just don't want to lose her as a friend. I really don't. Okay...not telling the whole story because I can't...but there is more.

This is where this comes in. My real blog...I'm going to start a new blog....it isn't going to be online, but instead a journal...only I'm going to call it a blog because otherwise I won't do it. I really need to have some more openings because this blog isn't cutting it anymore. There is more to me and no one [but a certain few] see the true me...they see past the front that everyone else sees. I'm happy for that. I want to have something more than this.

It has also come to my attention that people worry about me, I mean I no longer think about it, but others think I do. I want to tell them not to worry, but I can't because once you start to thinking about it, it won't ever leave. It is like something lurking below your skin. It doesn't want to go away...and no matter how hard you try it will never leave. This is me now...and it won't be me tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, a new feeling, or a new crush. I dunno what tomorrow is. Tomorrow could be today, tomorrow could be a new beginging. Or maybe tomorrow could be the end. I dunno, you don't know, you just have to wait and see for that certain something to happen.

Later Taters

holliejo

Hollie's thought of the day:
"My named isn't spelled wrong, so don't put the little red line below it in word."